G-6DEFP72BRX Selling Yourself To Yourself with Adam Feck - Dads Interrupted

Episode 7

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Published on:

16th Jul 2024

Selling Yourself To Yourself with Adam Feck

Adam Feck is the founder of Forward 46, a fractional sales management company and the father of 3 girls.

Prior to Forward 46, Adam has worked in a variety of roles - from orthopedic operating rooms to volunteering in the fire and EMS service to ski patroller to owning an orthopedic medical device distributorship to growing a SaaS startup - it seems like there isn't much Adam hasn't done or seen.

And yet, Adam is humble, still seeking growth and opportunities to learn and share his insights along the way.

That's exactly what he has come on Dads Interrupted to do.

Today, Adam discusses what he's learned after 25 years of marriage and raising 3 daughters, ages 22, 19, and 16, with his wife Julie.

We cover feedback, negative self-talk, sales performance, communication...

And he gives away his biggest secret to a successful marriage.

All this and more...

This... is Dads Interrupted.

To check out what Adam's up to:

Website: Forward 46

LinkedIn: Adam Feck

Book mention:

The Four Agreements

Happiness Engineering by Dr. Ali Binazir article - "What are the chances of being born?" | "What are the odds?" infographic

RESOURCE:

Join the waitlist for the Connection Catalyst Programming today! Mindset and skill set training to help you get (re)connected by helping you make simple shifts in the ways you communicate and show up in your most important relationships.

If 1:1 or group coach offerings is your jam, check out:

https://www.seatatthetablecoaching.com/

Join my free email community, The 3 Point Advantage, for your weekly advantage to elevate your communication, leadership, and relationships here:

The 3 Point Advantage newsletter

Say hi on Instagram

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We are so grateful to all of our listeners. None of this is possible without your support and feedback, so thank you!

Send feedback to me directly on Instagram @frederickvanriper

Transcript
Speaker:

The sun is shining, the coffee is

hot, and we're here with another

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episode of Dad's Interrupted.

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I'm super stoked today to talk

to my good friend, Adam Feck.

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You can find him on LinkedIn at

LinkedIn slash in slash Adam Feck.

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Adam runs his own company.

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It's a fractional sales management

practice in upstate and central New York.

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I've had the privilege of actually

meeting Adam a couple times in person,

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having great conversation at a local

coffee shop near us called Spill the Tea.

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Adam has been very generous with

his time and his wisdom to help

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me in my own personal journey.

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And now I'm having him here on the

podcast and hopefully some of his

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insights today will help you as well.

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So Adam, thank you for your time.

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Thank you for coming on.

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How are you doing today?

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You're welcome.

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Thanks for having me and

uncomfortable in a word.

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That kind of an intro makes me want

to crawl inside myself, but am I here?

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You're Very gracious.

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So I'm doing well, like you said, the

sun is in fact shining in Syracuse, which

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matters to those of us, not in Brazil.

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and for those who love iced coffee,

I didn't mean to like eliminate

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you from the conversation.

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Iced coffee is great too, but my coffee

in particular today anyway, is hot.

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So Eric, how are you doing today?

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Yeah, good.

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Good.

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I do not like iced coffee though.

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So so I guess we'll start.

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I always ask our guests.

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The first question I always ask

is what does it mean to you,

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Adam, to be an interrupted dad?

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And if you want to, , kind of tell

us a little bit about your families.

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Dynamics as well.

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Yeah.

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It's a great question and I liked

the name of the podcast Frederick.

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So I thought about this as I was walking

this morning and when we kind of like

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onboarded the potential of this, I

asked myself, cause you asked me.

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And it's a great question.

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I'd never been asked before,

so it's well worded, I think.

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And the answer I gave then, and I

thought about this morning and it's

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like, interrupted dad to me means

Being taken away from in whatever way.

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And I can elaborate on

that from being a dad.

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And I have three daughters.

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And so my oldest currently is 22.

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She's a senior at Newpaltz about

getting ready to graduate and

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Saturday, very excited with honors.

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Awesome.

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And then my middle daughter is her

name's Mary and she's a freshman Geneseo

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where she's pre med and on the rescue

squad is an EMT and volunteers at

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the Geneseo fire department as well.

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And she's 1 of those, and she

followed me in those footsteps

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and I'll talk about that.

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No doubt.

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And she's also active in manly

as fire where she got her and

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is a exterior firefighter.

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And she's 19.

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And then Josie is four.

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She just turned four.

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She's a leap day baby.

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So Josephine is in fact a leap day baby.

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And she just had her fourth

birthday, sweet four.

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And, yeah, she's a sophomore at

FM and is a, is a just a multi

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talented singer, dancer, excellent

student all around good kid.

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So for me, it's like, as I think about

being interrupted, it's like, what's over

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the years drawn me away from me being

engaged in them at the time, whatever

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that means, whatever that looks like.

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And it's ranged from like a major

goes off for the fire department.

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And you leave the dinner table to not

being someplace because you're out of

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town for work and and anything in between.

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And ultimately as I've aged,

it's like, that is the priority.

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I'm looking at my calendar, so as I,

as I drift off to the right here, my

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right, it's the calendar I look at and

it's, I it's, there's time blocked out

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and it is blocked out is, no, let's

touching it's graduation Josie's the 29th.

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She's a concert choir

or Ralph Ral concert.

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You know, like this is the stuff

I, I pencil in being interrupted.

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Yeah, that's so good.

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A lot of times we tend to take

for granted some of that too.

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One of the reasons I do this podcast is

to encourage dads to be more involved

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now, because the thing that you regret

on your deathbed is not being there.

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, I wish I had one more meeting at work.

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I wish I could make one more

PowerPoint, ? , it's, I wish that I

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had more time with my kids, or I wish

I had more time with my wife, or I

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wish I had more time with my friends.

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You know, if you're not, maybe

you're not married right now.

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So having that time to be with the people

you love the most is really crucial.

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But we do, , tend to take it for

granted at times because life happens,

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things get in the way, or we may not

have our priorities right in the right

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order, which happens to all of us.

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So I want the dads out there to

know that, you're not wrong.

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It's not about, you're not wrong

for missing out on some of those

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things if it was really necessary.

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And there's no shame in admitting that

you were wrong maybe in those moments too,

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because sometimes we make mistakes, that's

part of life, and that's how we learn.

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What matters now, today, is that

you recognize it and you grow

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from it and you change something.

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I always talk about resentment

when I coach men, because there's

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a lot of resentment built up,

or resistance even, to change.

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Because it's uncomfortable, and

you said you were uncomfortable

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a little bit earlier.

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Yeah.

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There's resistance to that

because we like to be cozy.

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We like to be comfortable.

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We like to have hot coffee next to us.

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Some of us like to have iced

coffee, Eric in summer, but and

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you're down in Brazil, so I don't

understand that, but that's okay.

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But yeah, so when we talk about

being uncomfortable, we resist it.

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And I always tell the men I coach,

resistance is just information for

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you, and it's information for you.

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To say, okay, why am I resisting this?

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And what needs to change in me?

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And maybe the answer is nothing, and

that's okay, but at least have that

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reflection question there so that you

can acknowledge the resistance, not just

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accept the resistance for, for truth.

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Sometimes it's right,

but not all the time.

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, but yeah, that's a great answer.

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The other reason I have this podcast is

I really like to talk about mental health

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issues because I think a lot of men look

at seeking outside help, seeking counsel,

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seeking therapy or a coach as a weakness.

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You know, raising your hand and

saying, Hey, I'm struggling over here.

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I need help with X, Y, Z.

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It doesn't matter.

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It could be a business problem.

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It could be a personal problem.

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You know, Adam, you run your own company.

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And you've had 25 years

experience probably.

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And then some, how many times did you

solve a problem without asking for help

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versus, on your own versus, Saying,

Hey, , have you done this before?

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What do you know about this?

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? so talk to me a little bit about

that, , in your career, in your work.

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Well, first explain what you do,

25 years sales and operations,

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executive experience, and now

you're leading a company called

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forward 46, by the way, forward 46.

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com.

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If you want to check it out, but it's

fractional sales management practice.

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So explain to people what that means.

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And then in your experience over

the years, how often would you

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say it was better to ask for help

versus not asking for help either

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personally or professionally?

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Reverse.

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It's always better.

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So to the last question,

firstly, it's just always better.

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And we can get into that.

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Here's the history in a nutshell for

people who want to hear it and see how

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fast I can get this out Potsdam college,

where I met my wife 25 years this year.

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So we can talk about celebrating

marriage all we want as well.

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But in September, it'll be

25 years, which is awesome.

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So, and, and I bring that up because

she's who I've gone to period.

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Degree in political science.

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She has mine's in

anthropology and philosophy.

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Period.

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Like, spoiler alert, that's it.

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No advanced.

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Like, that's as advanced as it gets.

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So, and when I got out of there,

I drove implants around, medical

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implants, hips and knees.

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I sold joints.

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I was gainfully unemployed for like 20

years, where I basically ripped J and J.

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To make replacements and trauma gear

all over the place up state of New York

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and then settled in Syracuse to focus

on this area and expanded that business

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and then was in the fire department,

jumped ship from medical into software

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as a service for the fire department,

helped build that company up, which was

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sold to corporate and that's not me.

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So I spun out and when I got all

this experience, I could do this for

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other people and they can keep me

off their books and I'll come in and

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fix problems and do those things.

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So that's what I do with my business.

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But to answer your question, it's It's

funny, I mentor Forum, which is like

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an online learning thing on their list.

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If you take classes with

them, we can mentor.

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It's free, I, I jump on, I'll just

be like, Oh, I'm mentoring tomorrow.

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It's, it's, it's cool,

but I really enjoy it.

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And I do it because if you

look really close at my

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experience, it's pretty varied.

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And I, I honestly, outside of Julie, My

wife, I can't put my finger on a mentor

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that was with me throughout the entire

experience that was like, here's how you

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manage yourself in an operating room.

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When there's blood flying and people are

throwing femoral heads at you, like a

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baseball, true stories, we can get into

that stuff all the way to you're up in

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front of, you know, 50 fire chiefs that

are trying to grill you on whatever.

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And I didn't have any one

person throughout all that.

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So I try to be who I can

be for different people.

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At, whenever they need it.

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And, and I eat it with Nat Frederick.

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Like, I'm just, I try to avail myself.

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Like, what do you need?

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You know, and, and whatever that

might be, if I can do it, I will.

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So but it's, it's been with that

knowledge and the the knowledge

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that couldn't do it alone.

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I had to ask who was

closest to me at the time.

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There may not have been like one

cynical person, but there were people.

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And I have very close friends, many

of whom are from the fire department

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and, or my fraternity in college, if

you can believe that that are just the

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best people I know, and we'll just lay

it out and be like, Here you go, dummy.

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Like, and, and it's important

that we ask people that we don't

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know the answers, that's for sure.

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We certainly only know one perspective.

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So, yeah, I think maybe part of the

reason why some, some people, men,

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women, doesn't matter, are afraid to

ask is because they're afraid maybe

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what the answer might be, because

sometimes the, like you were pointing

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out, like you need people in your corner

that are going to tell you the truth.

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You need people that are going to

tell you the hard truth sometimes,

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you know, And that's, that's something

that people don't always want to hear.

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So you have to be willing to open

up and be vulnerable , and admit

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that you don't know everything, but

also be receptive to those alternate

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perspectives that, , to me, the way I

approach everything now, and this is

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not the way I always was, by the way.

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So, so if you're listening to this and

you're not, you're not like open, that's

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okay, like you can change, it can happen.

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But.

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Now I approach it where like, I,

I don't know much, that's what I

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say, like, what can I learn today?

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Because I feel like I need to learn a lot

of things and, , who can I learn from?

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And there's that old saying, like,

if you're the smartest person in the

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room, then you're in the wrong room.

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So I like to surround myself with

people that I don't, that, that know

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more than me, , and get in the right

room so that I can learn something.

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, let's talk about marriage for a

second because you talked about it,

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you brought up and congratulations,

25 years is no small feat.

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Big fan of the institution.

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So and, and for those that are

just in relationships, not married,

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there's no judgment that marriage,

not married, doesn't matter.

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There's, I don't think it's the

right or wrong way to do it.

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But if you're in a relationship at all

with, with someone who you care about,

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an intimate relationship, it can get

complicated real fast, especially if

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your communication skills aren't where

they need to be, but 25 years, you must

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have learned some things along the way.

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I'm sure you're not perfect.

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Share with us, share with us some of

your wisdom, on what you have learned,

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what's helped you, what you're

good at and how you got good at it.

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So it's, I mean, you, like

you said before, and you

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use the word journey, right?

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This is, I don't mean to imply that

this is like I've hit, this is it.

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I've done it, everybody,

you know what I mean?

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This is, it's a path.

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And I'm not, I'm not imperfect,

and what I can certainly do is

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share, , what I've learned or more

to the point, what I've been taught.

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And so, like, for example, Julie's

family is Irish, Catholic, youngest

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of four daughters, parents married in

their teens, and are 60, 50, some 60

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years, I mean, they're, like, still

going strong, enjoying themselves.

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And So I've got that inspiration around

me, but my point is, Nanny, my grandmother

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in law, Irish as they come, in a couple

of words, she just like let it go.

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No grudges.

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Hold no grudges.

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Like, hold, let it go.

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And she had many wise ways of saying it.

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I've heard it from like

everybody in the family.

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You know what I mean?

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I've heard it from her, I've heard

it from Leo, I've heard it from

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Julie, I've heard it from Lauren.

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Like, I've heard them all say it.

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But that's, that's like you

know, you just gotta let it go.

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Whatever it is.

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And if you want to move forward.

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Well, right, so there's a choice there.

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Either you're gonna, You

have to make a choice.

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That's kind of what it is.

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Make a choice for the better.

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Make a choice to move forward.

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And that's, you know, forward 46.

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I always say forward is the philosophy.

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And 46 is a spoiler alert.

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Behind me is all mountains.

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Round X up.

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And 46 high peaks.

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Which I don't have, I'm halfway there.

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So,

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let it go.

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Part of it.

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You just said communication, and we could

dissect that for hours and hours and

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hours, but one of the things that I'll

point out about communication with respect

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to children is to communicate on the time.

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Don't work the problem

out in front of them.

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Now I'm not like, tell everyone how

to parent, but this is what we found

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success in was and continue to for the

other it's figuring out no, see the

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stuff coming to the extent that you can

see problems coming and settle up on

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what we agree on how to handle because

it's a compromise and guarantee they

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will be compromised along the way.

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And if you don't, otherwise

it's, go ask mom, go ask dad.

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Many of us have been there, many of

us are there in business right now,

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and it doesn't have to be that way.

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So, those are things that I've

learned through experience and

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through other people teaching me.

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Like I said, not so much my own

experience, but people actually

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saying, you should think of this.

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And being receptive, like you said

earlier, Frederick, to the concept of

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Absorbing the knowledge and the feedback

that other people are willing to give.

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Feedback is a gift.

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Many of us don't want that gift.

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It's a stinky shoe.

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Get the stuff.

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Put it on.

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It's your shoe.

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That's the point.

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So anyway, I'll leave it at that.

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But those are just a couple of

things that I know I've learned.

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Yeah, that's great.

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I love that.

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I actually wrote down a note.

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I wrote down a note for myself.

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Hold no grudges.

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Cause I think that's , something

we all need to work on, certainly.

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So that's a great tip.

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I actually wrote a newsletter

titled feedback is critical

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just a couple of weeks ago.

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So yeah, that resonated

a lot with me as well.

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Cause I think feedback,

that is what it is.

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it's critical, but, and there's

obviously a little double meaning

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when I wrote that title, but it's.

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There's a difference between receiving

a criticism and a critique, and

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if you're open to improving as a

husband, as a father, as a person, and

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that's, I think that's where a lot of

married couples get into it, right?

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It's this idea that, I don't want

to be told by my wife, what to

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do or how to do something and I,

I was like that for a little bit.

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That is not a recipe for

a sustainable marriage.

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I would never make it 25 years

being that way for all that time.

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Or we'd be miserable along the

way if we made it that far.

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So what's the point?

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You know, we want to be happy.

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We want to have joy.

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We want to enjoy life and

enjoy our relationship.

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So , to me, it was like, Hey,

I got to change something.

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So I used to receive

feedback and be defensive.

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And my immediate reaction

was defensiveness.

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A hundred percent of the time, I

would say, or not too close to it.

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And it took me some time to really dive.

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Into where that came from and

why I would respond that way.

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And I've learned more about

myself diving into that.

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And it's hard to admit

that you have insecurity.

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Nobody likes to raise their hand.

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And I'm here on the podcast that anyone

can listen to this the whole world.

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I'm saying I.

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have insecurities and I

would imagine most people do.

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So to say that out loud, I hope that

empowers you to admit it to yourself, at

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least if you're not willing to admit it

on a podcast like I am acknowledging that

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and then saying , why do I have that?

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Because that's really where

the growth comes from.

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What's causing it?

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There's something in your past or

some experience you had, or is it

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something else, but there's a reason

why and the way to get through.

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Having a more open response to feedback.

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Which, by the way, again, it's

like you said, it's a gift.

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It's information.

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I always call it information.

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It's information about how you

are being perceived in your

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relationship and in your life.

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And that feedback can come from your

wife, but it also can come from your kids.

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It can come from people

that you do work with.

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And so, Being shut off to it and being

defensive and trying to, defend your

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position, I was, I always think in the,

in the sense of, like, a military, when

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you defend a position, you're holding

your ground and you're not moving forward.

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How are you going to move forward?

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How are you going to

advance your position?

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In your marriage, you need to grow and

you need to advance your position as well.

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And you need to do that together if

you're going to stay together happily.

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I know you can't just snap your fingers

and say, Oh, I'm not defensive anymore.

357

:

It wasn't an overnight thing for me, but

I know a lot of men struggle with that.

358

:

So yeah, taking feedback

and actually saying I didn't

359

:

see that perspective before.

360

:

I'm living as me with my

perspective, my experience.

361

:

So love that inside that you're

inside the bottle, right?

362

:

Like everything's fine in here.

363

:

Everyone, somebody outside

can read the ingredients.

364

:

They'd be like, you know?

365

:

Exactly.

366

:

And you know, I'll just relate to

and reason my hand, I securities

367

:

gore, I mean, I know I'm punch.

368

:

They're all over the walls.

369

:

Um, get I'll.

370

:

Point is that like the,

371

:

well, I guess you really, you

said it best, Frederick, just

372

:

like, you asked for help.

373

:

You have to recognize

I struggled with this.

374

:

And I see you trying to say

the same as like you said, you

375

:

know, I don't love feedback.

376

:

I mean, it's recent within five years

I'm at work, you know, again, it's

377

:

like it's like, well, what do you mean?

378

:

And it was like, I would

take it personally.

379

:

Ultimately what I came, what it

came down to is I was taking it

380

:

personally and two things helped me

just for whoever the hell might be

381

:

watching the same disc assessment.

382

:

So for those that do like corporate

personality tests, kind of stuff, D I S

383

:

C T T I is the company that does them.

384

:

There's a million buyers,

all of these kinds of things.

385

:

Disc is the one I took and that

very, very clearly was like.

386

:

It's not your fault, but here's

how people are perceiving.

387

:

And I'm like, yeah, no doubt they are.

388

:

You know what I mean?

389

:

And so it really helped me

from an awareness perspective.

390

:

And the other is like, I think

it's called the four agreements.

391

:

Yes.

392

:

It's a book.

393

:

And it's like, don't take it personally.

394

:

One of them is like,

don't take it personally.

395

:

Like you have no idea what

people are going through.

396

:

Don't take it personally.

397

:

And I finally like,

that's a mantra for me.

398

:

It's just like, Hey,

don't take it personally.

399

:

No idea what people are going through.

400

:

Don't take it personally.

401

:

When I coach sales, people that don't

love selling and I'm now trying to get

402

:

them out there and grow their business.

403

:

They're like, well, they

didn't get back to me.

404

:

I'm like, well, don't take it personally.

405

:

What do you mean?

406

:

Like with sales, you

can't take it personally.

407

:

So that it took me a long time.

408

:

20 years probably to finally apply

that To personally and stop and i'm

409

:

not there When I start feeling like

i'm taking it personally, I just end

410

:

up saying don't take it personally

like you're not that Big universe.

411

:

Yeah.

412

:

Yeah.

413

:

I love the four agreements.

414

:

That's one of the books.

415

:

Actually my wife turned me on to and I

found it to be super, super insightful.

416

:

By the way, the four agreements is by Don

Miguel Ruiz, if you're looking for it,

417

:

I'll put it in the liner notes as well.

418

:

But , those agreements are

be impeccable with your word.

419

:

Don't make assumptions.

420

:

Don't take things personally.

421

:

And always do your best.

422

:

And I always say to myself, if you can

apply, if you can hit those four marks

423

:

every day, it's a pretty good day.

424

:

It's a pretty good day.

425

:

So, everyone needs a little guidance,

a little mantra, a little affirmation,

426

:

something every day to kind of an

intention, just to help you focus.

427

:

Cause life throws you different things

and sometimes they're unexpected, right?

428

:

You can only foresee so much.

429

:

So when those unexpected things come is

really when those types of things help.

430

:

And I've found for me,

knowing who I want to be.

431

:

Like having that intentional thought in

the morning, like, how do I want to show

432

:

up today as dad, as husband, for myself?

433

:

If I, there's days where it's up and

go and I didn't have a second to think.

434

:

Those days usually don't

turn out as well as I'd like.

435

:

If you can incorporate some

daily practice every day before

436

:

you really get moving too much.

437

:

You actually say, Hey, how

do I want to show up today?

438

:

What does my wife need from me today?

439

:

How can I best support her?

440

:

What do my kids need from me?

441

:

How can I be there for them?

442

:

What do I need for myself?

443

:

What can I do?

444

:

You know, maybe it's a

walk through the woods.

445

:

Maybe it's, you want to do work all day.

446

:

That's great.

447

:

Maybe you got to get some high level

stuff done, get that done right away.

448

:

So you have more time later,

whatever that is for you.

449

:

Knowing, how you want to show up is

really helpful, but the four agreements,

450

:

I think, is one frame, and you can

certainly choose your own where it's like,

451

:

okay, yeah, if I can be impeccable with

my word, meaning, your communication is

452

:

to yourself, by the way, you communicate

with yourself all the time, so we talk

453

:

a lot about, positive negative self

talk, but that negative self talk,

454

:

if you're doing it to yourself, it's

not serving you, and it's also not

455

:

serving your relationships at all.

456

:

So that's something that

takes practice as well.

457

:

We often will, and I found myself,

saying harsh things to myself

458

:

about past mistakes, whatever.

459

:

And that's, it doesn't

serve you in any way.

460

:

So shifting your communication

practice with yourself first, being

461

:

impeccable with your word there,

and then also being impeccable with

462

:

your family and your colleagues.

463

:

But yeah, don't take it personally

is a hard one because feedback is

464

:

personal, and so you have to shift the

perspective like this person's trying to

465

:

help me become a better human, period.

466

:

If they love you, then you

have to shift that perspective.

467

:

It's the only way to

really have growth there.

468

:

Cause if you're constantly building

walls, I'm telling you, it gets

469

:

pretty damn lonely behind those walls.

470

:

So let's bring this back up a notch.

471

:

Cause that's the sad.

472

:

Well, here's something that might

transition and bring us up a notch.

473

:

As I'm thinking to myself, as I'm

hearing you talk, cause you know,

474

:

bad self talk, right, whether you're

Whether it's business and things

475

:

are, you know, you lost a deal.

476

:

Like, you know, this is a, it's life bad.

477

:

Self talk is I'm guilty of, and I'm

dumb enough to do it out loud a lot.

478

:

Not a lot, but often enough so that,

and I bring this up because here's

479

:

the line that I now use for friends.

480

:

When I hear them doing it that my

wife does for me, she'll say, Hey.

481

:

So don't talk about my husband that way.

482

:

And she'll mean it.

483

:

She's like, do not talk about,

and I'm like, Oh yeah, that's me.

484

:

And it just snaps.

485

:

Yeah.

486

:

It snaps me out of it.

487

:

So when I hear people doing, I'm like,

Whoa, don't talk about my friend that way.

488

:

All right.

489

:

I like that stuff.

490

:

I don't like that stuff.

491

:

I love that.

492

:

And it kind of like just transforms

like, Oh yeah, that's actually me.

493

:

I'm saying those, it kind

of brings back like The

494

:

accountability of who's saying it.

495

:

You're the only one saying it.

496

:

I'm not hearing anyone else

say you're the only one I'm

497

:

hearing saying that's ridiculous.

498

:

Stop saying it.

499

:

Stop.

500

:

I don't want to hear it.

501

:

Don't talk about my friend that way.

502

:

I don't like people talking

about my friends that way.

503

:

I mean, I'm not making that up.

504

:

So another shout out to Jule on that one.

505

:

She has to pull out now quite a bit.

506

:

Might have to have Jule on the podcast.

507

:

You should.

508

:

She says she's at work.

509

:

Yeah.

510

:

No, you picked the wrong one.

511

:

I'm telling you.

512

:

All right, Eric, what do you got?

513

:

You got something.

514

:

I know you always have pearls of wisdom.

515

:

Yeah, a few things, but actually,

It's just a personal question.

516

:

You said your youngest daughter's four?

517

:

She's 16.

518

:

So she was born on leap day.

519

:

And I can't resist but to make a big

deal out of it because of my dad.

520

:

She only had four real birthdays.

521

:

Yeah.

522

:

And the last one was awesome.

523

:

But then it was like next

day the world shut down.

524

:

So.

525

:

We have cause to celebrate this one.

526

:

Go ahead.

527

:

I was thinking there was like a

15 year gap there and I was like,

528

:

whoa, I just had to dive back in.

529

:

We're free.

530

:

Well, the wife and I talk about

that sometimes because we only

531

:

got the one and she's nine.

532

:

I keep thinking, man, I got

a few, you know, at this age.

533

:

We're so busy just

keeping up with her stuff.

534

:

And I was just thinking, man, and

there was all, you can have another

535

:

one, you can have another one.

536

:

Like, I got five more years

until I can focus on me.

537

:

And then, so to imagine going

back in the box in your forties.

538

:

So I was just, I was blown away by that.

539

:

So, but that's not the case.

540

:

We started young, Eric.

541

:

So, we were fortunate enough to

be, I mean, we met in college.

542

:

I knew.

543

:

You know, I mean, we drove cross

country and then like two years

544

:

later, it wasn't even like, it was

just like, this makes more sense.

545

:

We needed an apartment or we were getting

kicked out of our apartments, really.

546

:

mean, it was just kind of like, it

was the right thing in all ways.

547

:

But the nice thing about having

them for those that have the

548

:

option, All on family planning.

549

:

Yeah, three years is a good

notch of time in between.

550

:

You have to run zone

defense for a little bit.

551

:

But if you're from Syracuse,

that's no big thing.

552

:

Yeah, that's true.

553

:

Yeah, self taught.

554

:

Interesting.

555

:

That's something I struggle with a lot.

556

:

I'm an audio book narrator.

557

:

And for years, I just kind of keep

thinking of myself as the student.

558

:

Yeah.

559

:

I got to learn more.

560

:

I got to, you know, and I, I keep

talking down and I had an author that I

561

:

work with a lot who kind of changed my

perspective a week ago, a week ago, and

562

:

I thought to myself, because I'm not,

I don't have to worry about having an

563

:

ego because I'm kind of the other way I,

where I can just keep crapping on myself.

564

:

Why don't you just tell yourself

before you start recording that

565

:

you're one of the best in the world

at this and see how that goes.

566

:

And there was a noticeable change,

which is really interesting.

567

:

I really believe it, Eric.

568

:

Why wouldn't you be one

of the best in the world?

569

:

Like what, what, why

would, I mean, like, is it?

570

:

I, I don't know if it's just, I mean,

we all kind of grew up in the same

571

:

time where, whereas anyone who talks

good about themselves in public, we're

572

:

kind of like, Oh, look at that arrogant

prick, you know, humility, we got to

573

:

learn humility because that's what

they teach us in church and the Bible.

574

:

And, then it kind of slips over into

this, point where every time I'm

575

:

talking about my work, I'm suddenly

crapping on myself and to a point

576

:

where I'm not actually leaving it.

577

:

And I don't think that,

I don't think I'm alone.

578

:

So that's just something

that you said that is really

579

:

resonating with me right now.

580

:

I'm cheating.

581

:

Okay.

582

:

And I'm going to show you how, ? So

that's, thanks for sharing that too,

583

:

because like, that's a great tip.

584

:

I was hoping you were going to say what

it was when you said like a week ago,

585

:

I'm like, well, tell me what it is.

586

:

Because I struggle as well.

587

:

That's a way that I struggle, ? So

I, I taught a class up in Plumdsburg,

588

:

and I'm like, I made it up.

589

:

Nobody else knows anything about it.

590

:

Completely made the whole class.

591

:

It's good material.

592

:

It's not like I made it up.

593

:

It's good material.

594

:

I put the class together, and I

was like, so stressed about it.

595

:

I'm like, nobody knows how this thing's

gonna, like, It's going, it's only going

596

:

to go one way, you know what I mean?

597

:

I can't control what people

think about it, whatever.

598

:

So I, I just tend to do that.

599

:

And one of the classes I took,

this is where I'm going with this.

600

:

They used, it was Vistage actually.

601

:

It was a peer support group.

602

:

I thought about building a group.

603

:

I did their chair academy.

604

:

It's some of the best training ever,

like all good, nothing bad there.

605

:

It just wasn't for me.

606

:

They used to say Eagle to Eagle.

607

:

So from a business perspective, you're an

Eagle, you're talking to another Eagle.

608

:

What you've done, Eric, I imagine

you've done for some time.

609

:

Your experience likely puts you somewhere.

610

:

So I was like, they relate to that.

611

:

Then I, then I like Muppets.

612

:

So I went out and I bought

the Sam, the Eagle, right?

613

:

Sam, the Eagle sits right here

on my desk and just points at me.

614

:

He's right now.

615

:

He's just sitting there pointing at me.

616

:

So as I get the same thoughts that

you get right before I clear on, I

617

:

just, me and Sam, we'd lock eyes.

618

:

I'm just doing my thing.

619

:

I'm running my business.

620

:

You're doing your thing.

621

:

You've done it for however long.

622

:

Like who does it better?

623

:

Nobody can do what you

do better than you do.

624

:

Right?

625

:

Nobody.

626

:

Maybe other people can

do what they do better.

627

:

You can only contribute three foot world.

628

:

And you're like in a three foot world.

629

:

Yeah.

630

:

You're locked in a three

foot world right now.

631

:

Like, anyway, I don't have

all the answers, my friend.

632

:

I appreciate you sharing that.

633

:

I'm just trying to relate that.

634

:

Like the Frederick's point.

635

:

We might be in Brazil and Syracuse and

doing different things, but like, when

636

:

it's time to get on the mic or get up

in front of people, I have the same

637

:

stuff, man, it's just like, all right,

do they really want to hear me talk?

638

:

Like, who the hell am I?

639

:

I don't have an MBA.

640

:

I don't have an advanced degree.

641

:

I don't have this.

642

:

I've had, gotten bloody and worked

the ORs from Boston to New York.

643

:

As far as Rob shot at, you

name it, great stories.

644

:

But, that other piece stuck in my

head, like, Hmm, I don't have, maybe

645

:

they want somebody that's got that.

646

:

And then I just get to talking to

them, and they're like, No, no,

647

:

just come on over, we want to, I

like, It works better if I'm just

648

:

myself, but it's, it's not that easy.

649

:

To get over that piece of like,

who am I supposed to be right now?

650

:

This took me, Decades to stop sales

as a performative profession for you.

651

:

You're performing it.

652

:

You're performing while

you're doing your job.

653

:

You're performing.

654

:

That's how you're paid

internally and externally.

655

:

Everyone inside knows how you're doing.

656

:

One on one side knows how you're doing.

657

:

It's like, there's a lot of pressure

on this, on this profession.

658

:

That's off the people that have to do it.

659

:

And everybody, by the way, is in sales.

660

:

You're selling yourself.

661

:

You're selling your voice.

662

:

You're selling.

663

:

Everyone's selling something.

664

:

We're all passionate to transform our

enthusiasm about something, I believe.

665

:

So it's like, it's not easy.

666

:

So I used to think I had to be

a certain, especially in the OR.

667

:

Very like, you know, set way,

set rules, set culture in an

668

:

orthopedic operating room.

669

:

There are.

670

:

Rules and yet and I felt like I really had

to meet and almost become somebody else

671

:

and it took me a long time once I finally

spun off and had my own business I'm like

672

:

i'm doing it my way and I had way more fun

and I got you know I had I just enjoyed it

673

:

so much more as over the years I've gotten

my eagles I found my little tips and

674

:

tricks to get me over that one little hump

that allows me to get up On this webinar

675

:

and share just doesn't come naturally to

me But, good questions from yourself, good

676

:

questions from Frederick great support at

home and little Muppets in front of me.

677

:

It makes the dream happen.

678

:

Love that.

679

:

Yeah, Eric, great point too for those

that, that struggle with this because

680

:

that's the problem with the negative self

talk is that you start to believe it.

681

:

And that's where it's

like really bad, right?

682

:

Because yeah, we all suffer from

that internal voice that's like,

683

:

Hey, you're not good enough,

684

:

?

Or you're, you don't belong here.

685

:

You don't fit in.

686

:

. You're not going to do whatever

the negative words and those, I

687

:

think those things, it's really

important to acknowledge that

688

:

as just fear or, or a voice.

689

:

It's trying to, in a way,

keep you comfortable, right?

690

:

We talked about being uncomfortable

versus being comfortable.

691

:

It's , putting yourself out there is

scary because you want to be accepted.

692

:

You want people to love you.

693

:

That's what I mean, at the heart

of it, we want people to love us.

694

:

We want to be loved.

695

:

By our wife, by our kids, by the world.

696

:

So that fear of Oh,

maybe I'm not good enough.

697

:

Maybe I don't do this well.

698

:

That's super common in any profession.

699

:

Like you said, Adam, we're

all selling something.

700

:

So, and really we're selling ourselves.

701

:

So then it's, that's where that take

it personally thing comes in too.

702

:

Cause then we start to be

like, Oh, I'm, it's me.

703

:

It's not like, something I, it's

not an activity that I did wrong.

704

:

It's actually my identity.

705

:

And then it's like a really bad cycle.

706

:

So really, if that's something you

struggle with, you got to attack that and

707

:

delete it immediately as fast as possible.

708

:

And if you need help doing it,

obviously get coaching, get therapy,

709

:

or talk to a good friend that

can help you or read good books.

710

:

You know, if you can't afford coaching

or therapy, or there's not good therapy.

711

:

And a lot of people are, I've heard

a lot of men, especially, but.

712

:

Probably women too, , ah, I tried

therapy, it didn't work for me.

713

:

Well, you gotta, it's like a shopping,

you know, there's certain therapists

714

:

that aren't good fits, and then there's

other therapists that are there, the

715

:

person you needed to hear that day.

716

:

So you really gotta be open to the

idea that, hey, you might not find the

717

:

coach or the therapist for you on the

first try, and you gotta try again.

718

:

If you, if, you know, if you care

about yourself enough, that's,

719

:

you gotta keep going and keep

finding that help that you need.

720

:

But yeah, the negative self talk, we tend

to believe it after a while, especially

721

:

if it's something we repeat all the time.

722

:

So, if you can replace it with

positive self talk, like Adam is

723

:

pointing out that he does, hey, eagle

to eagle or whatever works for you,

724

:

again, it doesn't have to be Adam's

thing, it could be your own thing.

725

:

I love, I, I resonate with this.

726

:

So this is something I use because this,

so I'm a runner, there's a race out in

727

:

Colorado, I've never done it, I probably

never will, I, I, no, I will never do it.

728

:

It's a, it's called the Leadville

100, so it's a hundred mile run.

729

:

And I'm just not that.

730

:

I've run a couple marathons.

731

:

I think four.

732

:

That's my, that's like hard enough for me.

733

:

But anyway, people do it every year.

734

:

It's amazing.

735

:

Like such a great race.

736

:

This guy that started it, one of

the things that he says is, you're

737

:

better than you think you are.

738

:

You can do more than you think you can.

739

:

And I love that quote

and that's what I use.

740

:

And I'll say that to myself when I'm

having a negative self talk moment.

741

:

No, you're better than you think you are.

742

:

You can do more than you think you can.

743

:

And that's it.

744

:

Having whatever works for you, having

a mantra, something that helps you kind

745

:

of snap out of it, because guess what?

746

:

You're right, Adam.

747

:

Every single one of us, everyone,

everyone listening, all you guys,

748

:

every person out there, doesn't

matter who you are, the fact that you

749

:

are alive on this planet right now.

750

:

Is a miracle.

751

:

It is a, is a fucking miracle.

752

:

And if you look at the, there's a great

graphic, and I can't remember who it's by.

753

:

It came out within the last decade or so.

754

:

I don't remember what publication it

was in, and I'll see if I can find

755

:

it and put it in the liner notes.

756

:

But it basically shows you the

likelihood that you are breathing

757

:

today, that you were born.

758

:

And it's, the chance of it happening

is so infinitesimally small.

759

:

That we better take advantage of it

and my mission, whoever I get the

760

:

chance to talk to is to make them feel

that to know that they are unique and

761

:

rare and special and what they have to

offer the gifts that they have matter.

762

:

So, Eric, you are the

best at what you do.

763

:

Just like Adam said, you

are the best at what you do.

764

:

You don't have to be the

best compared to someone else.

765

:

Thanks.

766

:

That comparison is a Thief of Joy

quote, , it's the truth, , we keep

767

:

constantly comparing ourselves to

others, trying to fit in, trying

768

:

to make meaning out of things that,

aren't, it's all made up in our heads.

769

:

Keep doing the things that bring

you joy, and I love that you said,

770

:

Adam you started doing it your way,

and everything was way more fun.

771

:

Love that, do it your way, cause

that's the only way that you're going.

772

:

If you're trying to do it

someone else's way, trying to be

773

:

like them, That doesn't work.

774

:

You're not authentic.

775

:

People can see through that and

then they don't actually like you

776

:

because it's like, who is this guy?

777

:

Who is this girl?

778

:

I don't know who they really are.

779

:

They want to know you.

780

:

So I, you know, I love

your work by the way, Eric.

781

:

I like people should

check Eric's workouts.

782

:

Amazing.

783

:

But you, you just got to shit

on the negative self talk

784

:

instead of shitting on yourself.

785

:

It's not easy, no, but it's, it's

something that I think if you, it's

786

:

important to talk about Frederick, which

is why I don't mean to cut you off, but

787

:

that's why I appreciate this podcast.

788

:

Right.

789

:

It's a couple of guys, three

guys getting out there and being

790

:

like, yo, I, I'm there over that.

791

:

And I really, I like that format of this.

792

:

It's like, cause everything you're

saying, I'm agreeing with, I'm

793

:

taking notes on your own race.

794

:

No, I'm serious.

795

:

Like you said, like

just run your own race.

796

:

Like you, Eric, do you voice like.

797

:

It's your own written yourself didn't

know what it is like and then as

798

:

far as like your blip in time stuff

If you're not checking out michael

799

:

singer who has like the untethered

soul is the name of his book.

800

:

That thing is hardcore Just get over

it man and but he's got a few like

801

:

he's got a podcast He's very much

out there michael singer Even if

802

:

you just check him out on youtube.

803

:

I fall asleep listening to this This is

one of my like nighttime meditations.

804

:

He's got a few like 10 minute You

Little clips about like, you know, we're

805

:

just, you're just floating out there.

806

:

Don't take it personally.

807

:

All this stuff we're talking about.

808

:

And he laughs, he's like,

you're not that important.

809

:

You know what I mean?

810

:

It's really funny.

811

:

I fall asleep to it.

812

:

That's like my nighttime stuff.

813

:

So anyone out there trying to

go down this rabbit hole, that's

814

:

that guy will get you there.

815

:

So, but I appreciate you

doing like, this is important.

816

:

Yeah.

817

:

To your point about it being easy or hard.

818

:

I mean, I think.

819

:

I think it's a commitment, a conviction in

your own self that you gotta develop that

820

:

skill to say, like, I don't, like, you

have to be able to name it out loud, when

821

:

you have that negative voice or that, they

call it the inner critic or the judge,

822

:

if you're, name it as a judgment.

823

:

It's, hey, that's my judge.

824

:

That's my inner critic.

825

:

That's not me, you know,

that's not truly who I am.

826

:

Thank you for the advice, thank you for

being here and trying to keep me safe.

827

:

Now I'll take that information and

I'll do something else with it.

828

:

Because I know that I'm a rare,

unique individual that has

829

:

gifts to share with the world.

830

:

And I'm going to share them,

I'm going to do it my way.

831

:

Or I'm not, and that's okay.

832

:

Not everybody's a, a, audio,

what did you call yourself?

833

:

What's your title?

834

:

So

835

:

you're more like you're out in the

world, Eric, to my point is like,

836

:

some people are more reserved.

837

:

They're, they're not willing to take that

step and put themselves out there, do a

838

:

podcast, be doing audio books, gabbing

their voice out there for everyone

839

:

to judge, like literally you're out

there for everyone else to critique.

840

:

But really the only person you

should care about is you and, and

841

:

how just, if you did your best.

842

:

Then you are the best, if

you came ready to play.

843

:

I'm going to deliver this the way

I know how to, and I'm going to

844

:

use all my skill, all my talent

and make this the best it can be.

845

:

That's the best it's going to be.

846

:

And if someone doesn't

like it, who fucking cares?

847

:

One of the things, because we've

already established that I'm a pretty

848

:

harsh self critic, but I also have to

go back and critique and learn from

849

:

myself to say, where am I going to grow?

850

:

So I've, I've had to

figure out parameters.

851

:

Of how to critique myself without

going in the shower or crying for

852

:

a half hour after a five minute,

like, , ah, maybe I should dig ditches.

853

:

You know, so like, I have to set

parameters of like, okay, I'm only gonna

854

:

listen for, am I delivering the story?

855

:

Not, I'm not gonna think about my voice.

856

:

I'm not gonna think

about character voices.

857

:

I'm just gonna think about

what is this story in this five

858

:

minute clip I'm gonna listen to?

859

:

Did I, is the story clear?

860

:

That's it.

861

:

Because otherwise, otherwise,

if I don't set myself.

862

:

Parameters, it can turn into a real self.

863

:

What's that, self flatuating?

864

:

Is that so?

865

:

Is that it?

866

:

The people that are flatuating?

867

:

What are those monks that,

that, that grip themselves?

868

:

Yeah, I know what you're talking about.

869

:

I don't like the sound of that though.

870

:

Sounds bad, yeah.

871

:

Yeah, exactly.

872

:

Leave me out of it, man.

873

:

But I hear you, yeah.

874

:

It's just like, it's just,

I call it spinning out.

875

:

That's what I'll tell my wife.

876

:

I'm like, I'm spinning out.

877

:

I'm just spinning out.

878

:

She knows what that means.

879

:

And she gets on my, she'll

be like, what are you?

880

:

And then she asked me to say it out loud.

881

:

She says, stop talking

to my husband like that.

882

:

And then we move on . So yeah, spin

out, man, it's, it's hard to avoid.

883

:

It happens.

884

:

It's, I think of it, I try to think of

it as an opportunity, like I'm trying

885

:

to get better, you know, doesn't Yeah.

886

:

I could see Eric like in

your line of work too.

887

:

It's like, yeah, like you have

to, you almost have to critique

888

:

every, everything you do in a way.

889

:

And so then I could see how that could be.

890

:

a practice that can get

pretty dark pretty quick.

891

:

So, but yeah, I think, you know,

having like the, the, the critique

892

:

of like, Hey, like, like you

said, like, Is this good enough?

893

:

Am I happy?

894

:

And did I do my best, or what

could I do next time to improve it?

895

:

You know, but like, not having no, like

identity associated with it or like

896

:

true, true, like attachment of like

blame, shame, you know, type of thing.

897

:

And yeah, easier said than

done to your point, Adam.

898

:

Like, it's not like, it's like,

Hey, oh yeah, thanks, Frederick.

899

:

Like, it's so easy.

900

:

I'll do it tomorrow.

901

:

No, it's, it takes some practice.

902

:

It takes some work.

903

:

You gotta know who you are.

904

:

You gotta be having fun.

905

:

You gotta really love what you're doing.

906

:

I mean, there's a lot of factors, but

yeah, man, thank you for sharing that,

907

:

Eric, really, because that's a story

I think we all resonate with, that

908

:

imposter syndrome, people call it as

well, or it's like, oh, am I good enough?

909

:

Do I really belong here?

910

:

You know, so I have that same

feeling as a podcast host, honestly,

911

:

like, do I, I mean, I hope that

people hear this and love it.

912

:

But like I said to you, Adam, before

we got on, I think I said before

913

:

we got on that I do this because

I learned something every day.

914

:

I mean, you probably saw me

taking some notes as well.

915

:

So I'm learning things.

916

:

So even if nobody else resonates with

any of what we're talking about, at

917

:

least one person got some help today.

918

:

So, well, yeah.

919

:

And to your point, it's

the exercise, right?

920

:

It is these three guys talking about some

of the stuff that's not the easiest stuff

921

:

in the world to just straight up confess,

922

:

It's important to have the exercise,

which is why when you ask, like, you're

923

:

like, do you want to hear what it's about?

924

:

I'm like, no.

925

:

Okay.

926

:

. Because it just like, no,

it's just makes sense.

927

:

Like the, the inner working.

928

:

I know you well and at night

No, it just makes sense.

929

:

You wanna get together and talk.

930

:

Let's do that.

931

:

And, and you know, my, we all

have experiences, kind of

932

:

back to the toll tech piece.

933

:

You never know where people are coming

from or what they're going through.

934

:

Everyone's going through it, man.

935

:

Every single person's going through it.

936

:

There is like, it's just a fact.

937

:

I just live my life that way.

938

:

Everyone's going through it, so try

to give some grace, but have, have

939

:

the conversations and listen, it's

like when you, when you have people

940

:

that are hurting and you know

it, like, that's the questions.

941

:

And that's, you know, you, you mentioned

the mental health beginning on, that's

942

:

one of the places you wanted to veer to

in the last handful of minutes, but like,

943

:

from my experience in the fire service

and my personal life, it is the most

944

:

powerful, one of the most powerful things.

945

:

I advocate for it.

946

:

I've experienced it in

both those situations.

947

:

And you don't always ask for it in the

fire service, you know, bad stuff happens,

948

:

they're like, you're not doing any work.

949

:

We got people coming from the county

to talk to you and whether you like

950

:

it or not, but it is exceptionally

well done, like the entire

951

:

practice, I wholeheartedly support.

952

:

But, you know, it's, it's, you know.

953

:

You talk about it.

954

:

It's real and I just advocate for it

You know whoever's whoever's like if

955

:

anyone's ever like kind of to your

point We're sort of talking to the

956

:

masses here if we met if we would but

like I'll just throw out my piece.

957

:

Like if anyone's sort of

like should I do this?

958

:

Should I not it's an absolute?

959

:

Yes, it's kind of like sexual harassment

if you think it's on the fence.

960

:

It's on the it's beyond the fence.

961

:

Don't do it If you think you're like,

maybe I could benefit from this you

962

:

could benefit from it period and your

point about shopping is critical You're

963

:

not, the odds that you're going to

hit it on their first shot, very rare.

964

:

They're low because of

where you're coming from.

965

:

I think my opinion is my experience.

966

:

My first time of my own, like I need this.

967

:

It took me three and that

person messed me up pretty good.

968

:

Like they started getting my,

like that guy went to jail, right?

969

:

And then I found someone that's all

good, you know, and for me right

970

:

now, right now, I'm not going.

971

:

But I got a number.

972

:

I got a call.

973

:

I'm gonna call it.

974

:

We're gonna schedule some time.

975

:

And I won't be the only one

that makes that determination.

976

:

Julie will be like, did you,

maybe we should, you know.

977

:

And she doesn't say like,

you're going nuts, friend.

978

:

You need to talk to.

979

:

She, it's like, do you think.

980

:

So ask the question.

981

:

Asks me to ask myself.

982

:

Right.

983

:

She knows me well enough.

984

:

I'm not going to give

her an answer right now.

985

:

She'll just leave it.

986

:

She knows me well enough.

987

:

She'll leave.

988

:

I'll get her, I'll get back to her.

989

:

I'm not an immediate answerer.

990

:

Unless I'm on live on camera.

991

:

Yeah, no, but I know we only

have a few more minutes, but

992

:

we talked about it quick.

993

:

You mentioned it somewhere in the

middle, and I just, I know that's

994

:

part of this thing and I just

wanted to share my experience.

995

:

Cause I don't really give a shit

and it's real, so I'm not faking

996

:

anything like we talked about before.

997

:

So, yeah.

998

:

And, and I was in the camp of like

resistant to therapy many years ago

999

:

and realized, you know, Through my

own stupidity that or, or ignorance

:

00:46:59,259 --> 00:46:59,949

or whatever you want to call it.

:

00:46:59,949 --> 00:47:01,789

I mean, again, that's a

negative self talk, right?

:

00:47:01,789 --> 00:47:06,699

But yeah, it was just a lack of lack of

believing belief and that it would help.

:

00:47:06,829 --> 00:47:12,679

But I have now, I go to therapy all

the time and, you know, it's important.

:

00:47:12,679 --> 00:47:13,419

It's just important.

:

00:47:13,419 --> 00:47:17,289

It's important work to, to be self, to

always be reflecting about like how,

:

00:47:18,179 --> 00:47:23,524

how you feel about yourself, how you're

showing up for, you know, the people

:

00:47:23,524 --> 00:47:24,764

that you love the most in your life.

:

00:47:25,334 --> 00:47:28,274

And sometimes we need some outside

counsel to say like, hey, like, did

:

00:47:28,274 --> 00:47:29,684

you ever consider this perspective?

:

00:47:30,474 --> 00:47:31,824

Did you ever consider that perspective?

:

00:47:32,414 --> 00:47:36,434

Well, here's, here's one idea that

you can journal about or think

:

00:47:36,434 --> 00:47:37,764

about, you know, more deeply.

:

00:47:37,764 --> 00:47:38,914

Here's a practice you can try.

:

00:47:38,924 --> 00:47:42,474

There's lots of benefits, things

that, like you said, you can't read

:

00:47:42,474 --> 00:47:44,234

the label from inside the bottle.

:

00:47:44,234 --> 00:47:45,334

So like there's things that you.

:

00:47:46,009 --> 00:47:49,149

Like, yes, you know yourself pretty

well, but there's also things we ignore.

:

00:47:49,319 --> 00:47:50,169

It's just a fact.

:

00:47:50,179 --> 00:47:52,709

Like, we ignore the bad

parts of ourselves sometimes.

:

00:47:52,709 --> 00:47:56,229

So instead of, because we don't want

to do the negative self talk, right?

:

00:47:56,229 --> 00:47:59,139

So then we just push it

down, which is also bad.

:

00:47:59,809 --> 00:48:02,929

So yeah, I think, thank you

for bringing that up again,

:

00:48:02,929 --> 00:48:04,029

because it's super important.

:

00:48:04,359 --> 00:48:05,829

Yeah, we only have a few minutes left.

:

00:48:06,299 --> 00:48:11,039

I'm going to wrap up here soon, but I

do want to hear, Adam, If you're willing

:

00:48:11,039 --> 00:48:15,129

to share and if you're not like totally

get it, just say, Hey, no, you can be

:

00:48:15,129 --> 00:48:18,529

that you can, I'll ask you a question

and then you can say, I need a minute.

:

00:48:18,589 --> 00:48:20,079

I'm going to have to

get back to you on that.

:

00:48:20,599 --> 00:48:22,899

But but I want you to share

maybe like, what was it?

:

00:48:22,899 --> 00:48:24,389

25 years of marriage?

:

00:48:24,389 --> 00:48:30,119

20 some odd, probably was it 22

years since you became a dad?

:

00:48:30,629 --> 00:48:31,039

Is that right?

:

00:48:31,069 --> 00:48:31,489

22?

:

00:48:32,959 --> 00:48:36,169

So either, either share a story,

maybe, maybe because you're, maybe

:

00:48:36,169 --> 00:48:38,289

because it's dad's interrupt,

let's share a parenting story.

:

00:48:38,289 --> 00:48:42,719

Like what is, what is your biggest

mistake you made in your mind or

:

00:48:42,719 --> 00:48:43,829

one of the biggest, let's say?

:

00:48:44,429 --> 00:48:46,379

And then like, what did you learn from it?

:

00:48:46,539 --> 00:48:47,649

How did you grow from it?

:

00:48:48,099 --> 00:48:50,089

I think that'd be a real

powerful thing to share.

:

00:48:52,259 --> 00:48:53,349

Yeah, I will take a minute.

:

00:48:53,489 --> 00:48:54,889

I'm mindful of the time.

:

00:48:54,949 --> 00:48:57,639

I'm sorry for the silence here.

:

00:48:57,769 --> 00:49:00,879

But I think it's a, it's

a, it's a daughter thing.

:

00:49:00,899 --> 00:49:01,569

It's a dad, a daughter.

:

00:49:01,589 --> 00:49:05,239

Well, it's my experience is

as a father of daughters.

:

00:49:05,789 --> 00:49:06,709

It's a patience thing.

:

00:49:07,489 --> 00:49:17,729

Um, the topic is patience and I don't

know that I'm getting better, but I I

:

00:49:17,729 --> 00:49:21,799

think maybe I am because I'm becoming

far more aware of it, even in retrospect.

:

00:49:21,819 --> 00:49:25,139

So my, my example is basically this,

you know, what matters to our kids

:

00:49:25,139 --> 00:49:27,759

is really what in our world is real.

:

00:49:27,759 --> 00:49:31,699

I think that matters kind of facilitate

what the hell it is they want, right.

:

00:49:31,729 --> 00:49:35,619

But in a way that's in our household

more like the way, not more like.

:

00:49:36,044 --> 00:49:38,954

Like the way we were brought up, Julie

and I were both grown up, just middle

:

00:49:38,954 --> 00:49:43,684

class, we worked from like age 14, like

these kids have jobs, they pay their

:

00:49:43,684 --> 00:49:48,424

cell phone bill, they've traveled,

but they pay half their tickets, they,

:

00:49:49,144 --> 00:49:50,784

they are held accountable, right?

:

00:49:52,974 --> 00:49:53,454

So,

:

00:49:56,199 --> 00:49:58,239

What's important to

them is important to me.

:

00:49:59,899 --> 00:50:03,979

And the trouble comes in reconciling

how simple these problems are to fix.

:

00:50:05,859 --> 00:50:11,199

Um, and, and how far more complex they

are in the mind of the individual.

:

00:50:13,089 --> 00:50:17,219

So, I mean, a very simple example is just

the way someone's being treated at school.

:

00:50:17,279 --> 00:50:17,759

You know what I mean?

:

00:50:17,969 --> 00:50:23,019

And it's, it's like for fathers of

daughters that those daughters are in

:

00:50:23,019 --> 00:50:24,839

or nearing eighth grade, buckle up.

:

00:50:25,089 --> 00:50:27,189

That's the year for our experience.

:

00:50:27,699 --> 00:50:28,889

Holy man.

:

00:50:30,419 --> 00:50:34,859

These people, these folks can be

very, very mean to each other.

:

00:50:35,629 --> 00:50:40,959

Very, very, very mean to, I mean,

like resulting in catastrophic

:

00:50:42,129 --> 00:50:43,579

events, mean to each other.

:

00:50:46,509 --> 00:50:50,579

That trumps how fast you think it's

going to be to fix this problem

:

00:50:50,579 --> 00:50:54,349

with mergery or whoever the hell had

some problem with your lunch bag.

:

00:50:54,929 --> 00:50:57,589

So my answer is like,

:

00:50:59,899 --> 00:51:02,949

and I go back to my education and go

back to anthropology and just this

:

00:51:02,949 --> 00:51:06,429

whole piece of like intent, like where

are they coming from, like, Really

:

00:51:06,429 --> 00:51:07,959

trying to put myself in their shoes.

:

00:51:07,989 --> 00:51:08,839

And I've never been one of them.

:

00:51:09,499 --> 00:51:10,779

I'm as dumb as they come.

:

00:51:10,899 --> 00:51:14,329

When I see these boys rolling up and

down the street, they are, we call

:

00:51:14,329 --> 00:51:17,629

them big, dumb puppies in this house

until they're like 20 something because

:

00:51:17,629 --> 00:51:21,039

they are, they just, they, they don't

fit their bodies and they fall down

:

00:51:21,049 --> 00:51:24,939

and they smell and eat everything,

everything about them, big, dumb puppies.

:

00:51:24,939 --> 00:51:27,219

If you've got boys, like, I'm

sure they're wonderful people.

:

00:51:27,319 --> 00:51:28,149

There will be someday.

:

00:51:29,549 --> 00:51:31,659

So I'm seeing a few of them are going by.

:

00:51:31,659 --> 00:51:36,234

So I'm not under attack, but it's this

idea of like, you know, Well, it's simple.

:

00:51:36,304 --> 00:51:40,314

Let's work this problem and trying to

be the person that fixes the problem

:

00:51:40,834 --> 00:51:42,384

so that they can get what they want.

:

00:51:42,994 --> 00:51:44,374

Versus what they really want.

:

00:51:44,374 --> 00:51:47,864

It's just for someone to understand

like this very complex emotional

:

00:51:47,874 --> 00:51:49,434

state that they found themselves in.

:

00:51:50,484 --> 00:51:51,884

And the kids are different.

:

00:51:51,974 --> 00:51:54,804

Carlin, my oldest, was very tuned to this.

:

00:51:54,804 --> 00:51:57,384

And I was, I tried to, this

is where I began to learn.

:

00:51:58,224 --> 00:51:58,664

And.

:

00:51:59,249 --> 00:52:00,639

Not have a hell of a lot of patience.

:

00:52:00,639 --> 00:52:02,049

Mary didn't require a lot of it.

:

00:52:02,419 --> 00:52:03,439

She's a lot like me.

:

00:52:03,439 --> 00:52:05,029

She's just kind of processes stuff.

:

00:52:05,029 --> 00:52:06,249

She goes about, tries to help.

:

00:52:06,519 --> 00:52:09,549

She's just like, she's not as outward.

:

00:52:10,364 --> 00:52:15,214

And now Josie is a lot like

Carlin, and I find myself like,

:

00:52:17,554 --> 00:52:22,494

talk this thing through, that's my go to,

tell me about it, tell me about it, talk

:

00:52:22,494 --> 00:52:23,594

this thing through, tell me about it.

:

00:52:23,594 --> 00:52:26,954

If that's all I say, it's a giant win.

:

00:52:27,054 --> 00:52:28,204

She's not looking for anything.

:

00:52:28,214 --> 00:52:32,704

So, to answer your question, like, that's

the piece I keep, I kept bumping into.

:

00:52:33,099 --> 00:52:36,089

I do the same thing with Jewel,

explaining, call it what you will.

:

00:52:36,929 --> 00:52:42,349

With the girls, it's different because I

just haven't been with them for 28 years.

:

00:52:42,349 --> 00:52:45,629

I understand what's happening in the inner

workings a little bit more with Jewel.

:

00:52:46,059 --> 00:52:46,739

Great question.

:

00:52:46,839 --> 00:52:51,939

I hope that both answers and offers some

insight into just this world of patience

:

00:52:51,979 --> 00:52:56,709

being trying to understand the intent

and where the other person's coming from.

:

00:52:56,939 --> 00:52:59,679

It's a communication folding rule, right?

:

00:53:01,839 --> 00:53:06,539

It's hard when you just care nothing

more in this world than for that thing.

:

00:53:07,969 --> 00:53:11,539

So it's hard to hold back

to give them what they want.

:

00:53:13,029 --> 00:53:13,709

I love that.

:

00:53:14,309 --> 00:53:15,449

I follow Alok.

:

00:53:15,639 --> 00:53:19,259

I don't know if I've talked about him

on any of the previous podcast episodes.

:

00:53:19,259 --> 00:53:23,269

But Alok, if you don't

know, is a trans individual.

:

00:53:24,199 --> 00:53:30,789

Who's a poet and a beautiful soul

amazing with words way better than I

:

00:53:30,789 --> 00:53:33,219

could ever imagine myself ever becoming.

:

00:53:33,579 --> 00:53:38,429

But Alok for me, it has a lot of wisdom.

:

00:53:39,009 --> 00:53:44,999

One of the things Alok says is advocates

for, and he, they talk about this in

:

00:53:44,999 --> 00:53:48,309

regards to the trans community, which is

a very misunderstood community and, and

:

00:53:48,929 --> 00:53:54,199

very much not Saying it's not accepted

globally is probably an understatement.

:

00:53:55,709 --> 00:53:58,499

They talk about compassion

over comprehension.

:

00:53:59,419 --> 00:54:04,939

There's a great podcast called

Man Enough, Alok was on, where

:

00:54:04,939 --> 00:54:07,779

they go deep into that concept.

:

00:54:08,209 --> 00:54:13,369

We don't have time to do that here, but

the idea that, You can love someone,

:

00:54:13,369 --> 00:54:18,049

you can provide that compassion first,

before you understand where they're

:

00:54:18,049 --> 00:54:21,669

coming from, before you understand

who they are as a, as an individual.

:

00:54:22,769 --> 00:54:27,509

A lot of times, as a dad, I find, I've,

in the past, I've found myself trying

:

00:54:27,509 --> 00:54:29,589

to, like, I don't understand my teenager.

:

00:54:30,464 --> 00:54:33,544

I don't understand them,

and I probably never will.

:

00:54:34,114 --> 00:54:36,844

Even though I was a teenager

once, I was never a teenage girl.

:

00:54:37,214 --> 00:54:41,064

So I really don't understand

my daughter a lot of the time.

:

00:54:41,404 --> 00:54:45,114

And I always want, I've had like that,

I felt that need, that pull to like, Oh,

:

00:54:45,134 --> 00:54:49,384

I really want to like understand them.

:

00:54:49,394 --> 00:54:55,504

Like, but really to your point, Adam, she

doesn't necessarily need that right away.

:

00:54:56,704 --> 00:54:58,284

She needs my compassion.

:

00:54:58,294 --> 00:55:02,514

She needs me to say, Hey,

tell me more about it.

:

00:55:02,584 --> 00:55:03,374

Tell me about it.

:

00:55:03,904 --> 00:55:06,674

Or perhaps she doesn't

want to talk about it.

:

00:55:06,814 --> 00:55:08,084

And that's okay, too, by the way.

:

00:55:09,394 --> 00:55:10,744

Or she wants to only talk to mom.

:

00:55:10,774 --> 00:55:11,594

That's okay, too.

:

00:55:11,884 --> 00:55:12,944

Not take it personally.

:

00:55:13,694 --> 00:55:17,864

So there's like, it's a very much

like, oh, this is, again, this

:

00:55:17,864 --> 00:55:19,154

is just my experience as well.

:

00:55:19,154 --> 00:55:20,384

I'm not saying how to parent.

:

00:55:21,414 --> 00:55:27,104

For me, what works is compassion

over comprehension, and taking

:

00:55:27,104 --> 00:55:31,064

that, In all the areas of my

life , I've found is really powerful.

:

00:55:31,064 --> 00:55:33,984

So Alok, all credit to

Alok for that, for that.

:

00:55:33,984 --> 00:55:39,084

And obviously it meant, it means a

lot more to Alok in, in their world,

:

00:55:40,154 --> 00:55:43,514

but I've been able to take that

wisdom and say, Hey, I can apply this.

:

00:55:43,944 --> 00:55:49,284

To the people that matter most to me,

and it's helped me build a better bond

:

00:55:49,284 --> 00:55:51,974

with my daughter and my wife and my son.

:

00:55:52,874 --> 00:55:57,484

So, something to think about, something to

consider for the listeners is, where in

:

00:55:57,484 --> 00:56:04,724

your world are you looking to understand

someone before you can love them, and why?

:

00:56:05,934 --> 00:56:06,824

That's the question.

:

00:56:07,394 --> 00:56:08,404

Why do we do that?

:

00:56:09,304 --> 00:56:11,454

We can actually love people first.

:

00:56:12,594 --> 00:56:15,724

It's a crazy thought, I know, but

we can, we can really love first.

:

00:56:16,264 --> 00:56:20,004

Even if we don't understand how someone's

living, it's because, guess what, we're

:

00:56:20,004 --> 00:56:24,524

all doing this our own way, to your

point earlier, you can only be the best

:

00:56:24,524 --> 00:56:29,864

you, and we're all unique, we all have

gifts to share, and you got to live

:

00:56:29,864 --> 00:56:34,664

authentically, whoever you are, and I

don't care, for me, I don't care what

:

00:56:34,664 --> 00:56:38,964

religion you practice, what gender you

are, what gender you identify with,

:

00:56:38,964 --> 00:56:45,604

anything, I don't, I honestly don't,

are you kind, you know, that, that's a

:

00:56:45,604 --> 00:56:48,349

question I care about, You know, deeply.

:

00:56:51,009 --> 00:56:52,309

I think that's a great way to end it.

:

00:56:52,349 --> 00:56:55,119

Eric I know you, I, maybe you

have one more thing quick.

:

00:56:55,399 --> 00:56:58,889

Adam's got to go, but you have a

daughter and I know, like, you guys

:

00:56:58,889 --> 00:57:01,189

probably resonate a little bit more too.

:

00:57:01,509 --> 00:57:07,239

But , with what Adam said there in the

last segment there about patience, like,

:

00:57:08,919 --> 00:57:10,509

how are you, how are you handling that?

:

00:57:10,904 --> 00:57:12,934

With your daughter first.

:

00:57:12,934 --> 00:57:14,734

You terrified me with the

whole eighth grade thing.

:

00:57:15,234 --> 00:57:16,524

She's only actually it's interesting.

:

00:57:16,524 --> 00:57:16,904

Yes.

:

00:57:17,174 --> 00:57:20,274

So the kids really into YouTube now,

of course, like I guess all kids.

:

00:57:21,024 --> 00:57:24,294

And yesterday she wanted me to watch

some little eight minute video with her.

:

00:57:24,899 --> 00:57:28,359

And so I watched it with her,

this horrible animation video that

:

00:57:28,369 --> 00:57:31,879

she found amazingly delightful.

:

00:57:32,159 --> 00:57:34,649

And I noticed, and we're watching

it, and she keeps checking

:

00:57:34,649 --> 00:57:36,109

in to see how I'm reacting.

:

00:57:36,659 --> 00:57:40,489

So I realize it's the patience

is also like, I gotta not just be

:

00:57:40,489 --> 00:57:43,754

patient to enjoy this with her.

:

00:57:44,394 --> 00:57:50,944

But I have to also really invest in a

kind of fake enjoyment as well So that

:

00:57:50,954 --> 00:57:55,304

I can enjoy these moments together

because I know like it's just, you

:

00:57:55,304 --> 00:57:58,794

know, I don't know how much longer

she's going to be sharing her life with

:

00:57:58,794 --> 00:58:01,244

me or sharing these dumb little jokes.

:

00:58:01,244 --> 00:58:05,114

So I think that idea of patience

is also just to whatever book I'm

:

00:58:05,114 --> 00:58:08,964

reading or show I'm watching is not as

important as these moments with her.

:

00:58:09,294 --> 00:58:10,774

And so I think it kind

of ties in with that.

:

00:58:10,774 --> 00:58:11,284

That's just.

:

00:58:13,279 --> 00:58:14,349

Yeah, it's interesting.

:

00:58:14,399 --> 00:58:16,919

It's a great observation

on your part, right?

:

00:58:16,919 --> 00:58:21,719

Because you know, people, if the

kids are watching, people are

:

00:58:21,719 --> 00:58:22,709

watching, you know what I mean?

:

00:58:22,709 --> 00:58:23,539

And they really are.

:

00:58:23,539 --> 00:58:25,919

I talk about sales like this,

but it's the same thing.

:

00:58:25,919 --> 00:58:29,329

Like what I'm hearing you say, it's

this transfer of enthusiasm, right?

:

00:58:29,339 --> 00:58:31,899

She's psyched about something

and she wants you to share that.

:

00:58:32,799 --> 00:58:35,309

And, That's all it really is.

:

00:58:35,359 --> 00:58:40,609

And if you go from zero to two, you're

showing enthusiasm, you know what I mean?

:

00:58:40,609 --> 00:58:46,249

And if you go from zero to 98, you're

like, darn, it's like, not that good.

:

00:58:46,719 --> 00:58:48,439

So it's, you know what I mean?

:

00:58:48,679 --> 00:58:52,469

So it's this, it's a dance of just

like, like Frederick, you said,

:

00:58:52,479 --> 00:58:56,359

just showing up and just giving

them your, what you got at the time.

:

00:58:57,819 --> 00:58:58,319

I don't know.

:

00:58:58,319 --> 00:58:58,799

There's a lot.

:

00:58:59,159 --> 00:59:00,589

Frederick, you made

reference to this before.

:

00:59:00,589 --> 00:59:01,489

I say it this way.

:

00:59:01,609 --> 00:59:03,899

There's a pile of stuff I know

and a pile of stuff I don't.

:

00:59:04,749 --> 00:59:07,219

One of them is like far

outweighs the other, you know?

:

00:59:07,629 --> 00:59:09,899

And without a parent, anyone's kid.

:

00:59:10,629 --> 00:59:13,299

What I'm trying to do with

mine is not what's in the pile.

:

00:59:13,319 --> 00:59:13,919

I don't know.

:

00:59:14,399 --> 00:59:17,359

But, you know, you kind of mentioned,

like, how long is this going to last?

:

00:59:17,359 --> 00:59:18,889

And I'm just throwing it out there.

:

00:59:19,489 --> 00:59:25,184

I imagine it would be somehow related

to Your reactions and engagement in

:

00:59:25,184 --> 00:59:29,174

those moments, which you're already

doing and already mindful of and like

:

00:59:29,774 --> 00:59:33,454

you're seeing it, it's situational

awareness is a big thing for me and

:

00:59:33,454 --> 00:59:35,354

you're clearly like right tuned into it.

:

00:59:35,354 --> 00:59:39,634

So all systems go, my friend,

like, and they're not all good.

:

00:59:39,634 --> 00:59:40,364

Most of them are horrible.

:

00:59:43,209 --> 00:59:47,289

So zero rate, interesting, find

some open ended question to ask

:

00:59:47,289 --> 00:59:48,909

halfway through and just buckle in.

:

00:59:49,089 --> 00:59:49,309

You're good.

:

00:59:50,669 --> 00:59:51,059

Yeah.

:

00:59:51,219 --> 00:59:53,529

Well, patience and presence,

that's, that is key.

:

00:59:54,099 --> 00:59:54,439

All right.

:

00:59:54,439 --> 00:59:57,329

Well, Hey, listen, Adam, remind

everybody where they can find you.

:

00:59:58,064 --> 01:00:03,224

Yeah, so just on LinkedIn, you can search

me, feck is a name that jumps out at you.

:

01:00:03,534 --> 01:00:07,334

So you can just search that or forward

46 is the name of the company and the

:

01:00:07,334 --> 01:00:12,024

website just spelled out forward and

then the name or the number rather 46.

:

01:00:12,314 --> 01:00:16,774

But I'm here if anyone out there wants

to chat, connect, whatever, love it.

:

01:00:16,824 --> 01:00:17,424

Small world.

:

01:00:17,854 --> 01:00:18,364

Let's make it smaller.

:

01:00:19,264 --> 01:00:19,729

Love it.

:

01:00:20,199 --> 01:00:23,769

Well, thanks again, Adam, for spending an

hour with us and I know a lot of, a lot

:

01:00:23,769 --> 01:00:27,209

of men and dads and hopefully, you know,

if there's any women moms listening out

:

01:00:27,209 --> 01:00:29,989

there, we'll, we'll hopefully benefit

from this conversation that we had.

:

01:00:30,259 --> 01:00:31,359

Love to hear from you guys.

:

01:00:31,759 --> 01:00:34,999

Give it a like and in the comments,

wherever you can, wherever you're

:

01:00:34,999 --> 01:00:38,849

listening and you know, let us know

what you want us to be talking about.

:

01:00:40,039 --> 01:00:40,599

Thanks Adam.

:

01:00:41,969 --> 01:00:42,439

Cheers.

:

01:00:42,739 --> 01:00:43,159

Cheers.

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About the Podcast

Dads Interrupted
Real Talk on Fatherhood, Relationships, & Growth
What does it mean to be a good man—and a present dad—in a world that never taught you how?
Dads Interrupted is a podcast about fatherhood, masculinity, and the journey to becoming the man your family actually needs. Hosted by men’s coach and dad of 12+ years Fred Van Riper, Dads Interrupted dives deep into the conversations men aren’t having—but desperately need.

We explore what it means to lead with purpose, break free from outdated roles, and build the kind of relationships that change everything—at home, at work, and in your own head.

You’ll hear honest, real-world stories from men navigating fatherhood, marriage, emotional growth, and the myths that hold us back. As a Certified Fair Play Facilitator, Fred offers tools for shared responsibility, emotional leadership, and creating a home that works for everyone.

This isn’t about losing power—it’s about gaining something far greater: Respect. Intimacy. Legacy.

If you’re ready to break the cycle and build something better—this podcast is your starting point.

Support the show here so we can keep bringing you powerful conversations:
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About your host

Profile picture for Frederick Van Riper

Frederick Van Riper

Hi, I'm Fred, a coach, father, and the creator of Seat at the Table Coaching.

I work with men who are doing a lot right on paper…

but still feel like they’re missing at home, stuck in their heads, or showing up as someone they don’t quite recognize.

This pod is where we strip it back.

No lectures. No performance. Just tools, stories, and real conversations to help you lead with more presence—without selling your soul in the process.