Alignment and Growth with Kiowa Saunders
Kiowa Saunders didn't have an easy childhood growing up.
His mom and dad divorced when he was 9 months old.
He saw his dad once or twice a year until age 18. He tells us that it's clear looking back that his parents didn't try very hard to be parents.
But he did have a mentor in Oakland, CA who raised him.
Big Jim was a father figure for Ki.
Ki's story is a story of triumph through adversity.
Today, Ki is the founder and owner of GROW LLC, husband, and father of two.
Ki's main goals, in his words, are to "be the best husband I can be, to be the best father I can be, and to make a shit ton of money."
In this episode, we talk about how important it is to set goals, and get aligned with them, so that you know what direction you're headed.
Ki talks about reverse engineering his 1000 day plan, and how he and his wife handle conflict.
An entrepreneur since his teenage years selling candy and soda and weed out of his locker, Ki now helps businesses develop and commercialize food products, distribution networks, and sales opportunities.
Today, we chat about taking the entrepreneurial spirit and applying it to your most important relationships.
Some gold hidden within if you dare to listen...
All this and more...
This... is Dads Interrupted.
To check out what Kiowa's up to:
Website: Grow LLC
Instagram: Kiowa Saunders
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Disclaimer: The content contained herein is for inspirational, educational, and entertainment purposes only. Nowhere in this podcast do we diagnose or treat a viewer/listener with any kind of psychological, mental, emotional or physical disorder as might be diagnosed and treated by a personal psychologist or other professional advisor. The content is not intended to be a substitute for working with a therapist but is for the purpose of educating the viewer about new approaches to working on personal problems. Viewers/listeners should use this podcast at their own risk, with the understanding that we are not liable for its impact or effect on its users. Viewing/listening to the podcast does not form a practitioner/client relationship between the viewer/listener.
Transcript
Hey everybody welcome
to Dad's Interrupted.
2
:Eric, how are you doing today?
3
:Yeah.
4
:I'm good.
5
:Awesome.
6
:Super excited here today because I've
got a special guest, friend of co
7
:host Eric and Kai, go ahead and , tell
the listeners who you are, what you
8
:do and where you're at right now.
9
:Well, my name is Kai O'Saunders.
10
:I live in Southern California.
11
:I have a 13 and 15 year old, 13
year old son, 15 year old daughter.
12
:I'm self employed, been self
employed for close to 15 years
13
:now, and I help commercialize food
products for very large companies.
14
:Awesome.
15
:. So, as I was mentioning before the
first question that I always ask
16
:the dads on the show is, what does it
mean to you to be an interrupted dad?
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:You know, I'm, you guys referenced the
movie and I haven't seen the movie.
18
:So but to me, You know, my whole
purpose is to be a better husband and
19
:father and make a shit ton of money.
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:And so if anything outside, that
scope for me is not really relevant.
21
:You know, like, I try to be a
good member of the community.
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:But I think it takes a lot
of discipline to not get to
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:interrupted from that purpose.
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:. 100%.
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:I, I talk a lot about mental health , on
the show here and one of the things
26
:that, I mean, I guess the main impetus for
having the, these conversations , on Dad's
27
:Interrupted is to talk about the idea
that providing as a father and a husband
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:doesn't only mean money and that, Raising
your hand and saying, Hey, I'm struggling
29
:over here and I need some help is actually
a sign of courage and strength as opposed
30
:to the message that we've received
since we were, you know, boys, be a man.
31
:Don't figure it out yourself.
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:And as a business owner, working
on your own for 15 years.
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:How many times would you
say you raised your hand?
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:To ask somebody for help, , just
as an entrepreneur, well, all the
35
:time, like I'm continuously amazed
at how naive I can be, you know?
36
:And so I think I know a lot.
37
:And then I'm like, man,
like, I'm still learning.
38
:And and so.
39
:And not, you know, definitely in the
career, there's you constantly get
40
:introduced to new people that have
different nuances of the field that I'm
41
:in that I put up new nuggets on the way.
42
:And so I think we need to smash
this belief and what I would call
43
:limiting belief that, raising
your hand, asking for help.
44
:I remember, , a story, , from , When
I was a little boy, my parents would
45
:take us on road trips and this was
back in the day, , I feel like they're
46
:maybe not as popular anymore, but you
know, get all the kids in the car and
47
:we're driving to Florida and, it's a
long drive for parents with three boys.
48
:It's the, are we there
yet thing and all that.
49
:But I remember a couple instances where
my dad had gotten lost, and this was
50
:before the days of cell phones, where
we've got Google Maps right on our phone.
51
:And, it's this idea that, hey, dad, , pull
over, ask somebody for directions, right?
52
:And that's mom telling him, and he's
like, nah, I got this, ? But If we don't
53
:stop to ask for directions, it takes us
longer to get to where we want to go.
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:And so as a father, as a
husband, , These things aren't
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:necessarily taught at school.
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:And if our models at home,
when we were kids, weren't the
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:best, we only know what we know.
58
:And so to your point about being an
entrepreneur, ? You think, you know,
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:a lot, and you probably do know a lot.
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:I'm sure Kyle have lots of questions for
you , off the record after the episode
61
:, about your journey, but You can only
know so much and I've found as a dad,
62
:I've got a 17 and 8 year old, and , I'll
be asking, different dads for help.
63
:Hey, have you ever encountered this thing?
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:Or I'll ask my wife or I'll ask, a friend.
65
:And so asking for help is
a sign of strength , and
66
:admitting that you need help.
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:Actually, to me, it's like, oh,
you're wise for doing that because
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:how can you figure something
out on your own all the time?
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:It's just going to take you way longer
to get to where you need to be, and
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:sometimes you may never get there.
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:I just really want to drive home that,
if you're a dad, a man listening to
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:this, and you haven't sought therapy,
coaching, talking to friends about
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:real shit, now's the time to do
that, , , and own it, and be okay with
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:it, because it's , totally worth it.
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:So tell me a little bit more about
your relationship with your own father
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:if you're willing to talk about that
and how that shaped you as either
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:good or bad to the dad you are today.
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:Yeah.
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:Well, so my my biological father
and mother divorced when I was like
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:nine months old So although I did
have a relationship with him, you
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:know, there was kind of a revolving
door of dad's growing up You know,
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:I think my mom was married three or
four times, you know, I can't keep
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:So so my relationship with my biological
father and see him once a year maybe
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:twice a year up until the point when I
was 18 when I was 18, I actually moved
85
:in with him for 3 or 4 months when
I was going through culinary school.
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:And then he moved to Austin and so I was
basically on my own from that point on.
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:And so I, I still see him once a
year or once every couple of years.
88
:We'll talk a couple of times a year.
89
:But I was never really, never
really very close to him.
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:It's funny.
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:I just had a conversation with his
brother, my uncle about my parents.
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:And, you know, I think the observation
that I made is that he didn't try
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:very hard to be parents, you know?
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:, so when you became a dad, I guess tell us
all the, the good, the bad, the ugly, how
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:did it start , and where are you at now?
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:And what have you struggled with?
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:And what are you seeing success with?
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:So I think, you know, in the,
my wife, Cindy, her, both
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:her parents are immigrants.
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:Her mom's from Mexico, her dad's from
Lebanon, but he's Armenian and they
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:live here in Southern California.
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:And there's a very big community, you
know, and so, although, you know, my
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:wife and her sister went off to college,
they both came home and they both live
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:within a few blocks of their parents.
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:And so I think that helped set an example
of kind of the life that I wanted to
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:provide to my kids, this concept of a
multi generational household part of,
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:other cultures is, I think, something that
America's lost and needs to get back to
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:and so, I frankly, I didn't have a lot of
confidence and being a father, having not.
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:I didn't learn that stuff.
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:And so I think I kind of took a back seat
for a large part of my kid's childhood.
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:And so as time, I also traveled
a lot through their childhood.
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:It's definitely been a conversation
that I've had with both kids.
113
:Like, why were you gone all the time?
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:As they get older, I think I'd become
a much more relevant part of their
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:life, and so that's definitely,
that's definitely been fun.
116
:You know, I've taken them a lot of
places to so that they can see the world.
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:We've definitely created
a bubble for them.
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:So they both go to Catholic
school, have their whole lives.
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:Not on social media, just, , try to
really limit some of the negative
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:influences that I experienced as a
kid and that that can be good or bad.
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:But as they are still teenagers,
, my daughter is going to get her
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:permit here this month and be
driving at the end of the year.
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:They're going to venture
off into the world.
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:And so it's just preparing
for that, that next phase.
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:Yeah, my daughter's 17.
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:She has fear of getting her license.
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:So she hasn't taken that step yet.
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:But she will be off
into the world as well.
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:It's a scary world out there.
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:I want to.
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:Go back to something you said.
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:So your kids are not on
social media, like at all.
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:Not at all.
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:, it's actually funny where, my daughter
plays volleyball and she's on a club
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:team and all the other girls on the
team sit around and do tick tock dances.
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:And my daughter's like, this is
the dumbest thing I've ever seen.
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:And so, yeah, I think I was just
thinking about this this morning.
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:It's like, no, no social media until
her 18, as long as I'm paying the phone
139
:bill, like, it's not part of the plan.
140
:I love it.
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:It may sound extreme to some people,
but I certainly, we haven't done that.
142
:We try to limit it, but it's
not like a complete zero.
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:And I kind of wish we had, looking
at it, it's like, man, that might
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:be the best path because social
media can be used for great things,
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:but our kids aren't really it.
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:Yeah, yes.
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:And I, I actually read an article this
morning about, you know, bullying that led
148
:to, you know, a kid taking his own life.
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:And, to me, social media is a
documentary of my life with my kids.
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:So that later in life, that's like,
here's your photo album of your
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:life, but , I think it's very easy
for the kids to get sucked into stuff.
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:That's not important.
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:100%.
154
:And it's built that way intentionally,
I forget the name of the documentary
155
:that was on I think it was one of
the owners of, Facebook or Instagram,
156
:whoever it was like, I would
never let my kid on social media.
157
:So , that's a great
message, for dads and moms.
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:I know a lot of dads and moms I talk to
struggle with the idea of how much screen
159
:time, how much social media they should
give the kids, maybe zero is the answer.
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:So , what's one thing that you have,
cultivated over the years that you
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:think you're really strong at as a dad?
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:I don't know.
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:That's that's I, I
never think of the wins.
164
:I always think about the
deficits if I'm honest.
165
:And I I do think I have very.
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:Well, I have a much closer relationship
with my son and my daughter.
167
:And that's largely because, my wife
played volleyball in college and takes
168
:her to volleyball and does all the
events with her and I take my son to
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:tennis and do all the events with him.
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:And it's like, it's just
how it's been separated.
171
:And I do purposefully try to spend time
with her and, and, like, watch movies
172
:together, find common interests, but
there has been a lot of lost time there.
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:And so I think.
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:I think you do a great job
of bonding with my son.
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:Like, we could very well
be best friends at times.
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:But that's come at the sacrifice
of not spending as much time as
177
:I'd like to with my daughter.
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:I appreciate you admitting that.
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:I think it's important for dads to hear,
, other dads talk about wins and losses,
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:?
Because, I'm sure you have a lot of wins as well.
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:And it's important for you to
talk to yourself about those
182
:wins because I think, yeah, I
think , it's something to celebrate.
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:Even just the first thing you said
to us was that your focus is being the
184
:best husband and father that you can be.
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:I mean, that right there, that mindset
I think , is crucial because one of
186
:the things I think we lose sometimes
is this idea that our deficits are just
187
:permanent, but there's always a way to
educate yourself, whether it's, reading
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:a book, listening to a podcast, et cetera.
189
:The failures that we have, the
deficits, as you call them,
190
:they don't define our identity.
191
:I think a lot of us, and I
was guilty of this years ago.
192
:I would fail at something.
193
:I would have a bad altercation, at home
argument and I would internalize it and
194
:I take it personally and it would affect
how I felt as part of my identity, almost
195
:like I'm a bad father, these negative
messages I would say to myself, instead
196
:of saying , that was just a bad moment.
197
:And , I can learn from this
and grow from this, right?
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:So it's just a different kind of way
to look at things that I struggled
199
:with for a long time because I didn't
know anything about being a dad.
200
:Or not much, about being a good dad.
201
:And I've learned a lot over the years.
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:So Eric, what comes to mind
for you as we're talking here?
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:Something that's interesting about Kai.
204
:So I've known Kai for about
Look, that's 30 years now.
205
:I guess we met in 95 and we
have a similar background.
206
:, my mom too, divorced when I was one from
my dad, bunch of husbands and boyfriends
207
:growing up, like I said, a revolving door
of just stray delinquents that she dated.
208
:And but you always had like
a strong set of values.
209
:Like from wanting to be, I'm just
like creating a sense of community.
210
:You're always the guy kind of , gathering
people and leaving things in better
211
:condition than you found them.
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:You just always had the strong sense
of values that, that, and I don't
213
:know where you got that from because,
and that's what always interested me
214
:because nobody that grew up with us
has the same kind of values you do.
215
:So where do you think you got that from?
216
:That's a good question.
217
:I probably grew up with a lot of women.
218
:You know, so three sisters and my
mom in a 700 square foot house.
219
:Like, I had to learn to read
the tea leaves very quickly.
220
:You know, and then I think,
221
:so I can remember some real defining
moments like, When I think it was seventh
222
:grade, I got kicked out of school and went
to school for troubled kids for like two
223
:years and Made it back to high school I
think in ninth grade and was behind like
224
:a year behind and still doing dumb stuff
so, you know selling drugs at school and
225
:I, I remember the police coming
for me, basically surrounding my
226
:classroom, holding down in my classroom.
227
:A teacher had told me in advance that
it was going to happen or that they
228
:knew that I was selling drugs on campus.
229
:And so they came, searched
me, didn't find anything.
230
:And I remember
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:thinking I need to decide,
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:you know.
233
:Which way do I want to go?
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:And so, that was a real defining moment,
but, even as a kid, even younger than
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:that with the parents, I'm a kid of
the 80s, so we, like, hopped on our
236
:bikes and traveled very far from home
and they were definitely programs put on
237
:by the school, , after school programs.
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:Recreation programs, but growing up
in Oakland, we refer to them as a
239
:recreation programs and there were
always volunteers and leaders there
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:that were people from the community.
241
:And I, well, Jim, I don't know if you knew
Jim Gorrier, but he he had this, it was a.
242
:African American man that grew up in
Texas, fought in the war, had been in
243
:prison, and he had this this statement.
244
:Be kind.
245
:Yeah, be kind or be gone.
246
:He wore a cowboy hat all the time.
247
:Yeah, he was the he was like the
guy that protected the people in
248
:our, in our elementary school.
249
:Garfield.
250
:I know Big Jim.
251
:So he he basically raised me, you know?
252
:And so I was raised in that
kind of open community.
253
:And so because, you know, there would
be community events to kind of keep
254
:the peace between the black kids and
the white kids, you know, and a lot of
255
:sports to keep the focus off fighting.
256
:And so that, I think that just, being
raised by the community made me that way.
257
:And I'm still that way.
258
:Did you say he said be kind or be gone?
259
:Yeah, that was his, like, paint
that on the walls, you know,
260
:and that's what I had written.
261
:Love that.
262
:He once saved me from getting my
ass just stomped by a, I think I was
263
:in third grade, by a sixth grader.
264
:Yeah, I remember some.
265
:He was taught this kid was talking
crap, so I kicked him in the balls
266
:and they tackled me and he was just
about to start wailing on me and then
267
:this big hand reached up and grabbed
that kid and I was like, woo hoo.
268
:. He saved me from getting stumped.
269
:Yeah.
270
:Yeah.
271
:He's a good guy.
272
:Remember that guy?
273
:You, you mentioned one of your values
now is making a shit load of money.
274
:Yeah.
275
:Well, so I, but you've also talked
about teaching your kids Yeah.
276
:How to make money and financial
independence and teaching them that.
277
:That's something I'm interested
in hearing more about too.
278
:Well, so, you know, I went
on this journey around.
279
:Okay, so 2019, I read a
book called station 11.
280
:About a global pandemic, and I was
like, holy shit, I'm not prepared.
281
:You know, and so that put me on
a journey to kind of becoming a
282
:more prepared becoming a practice.
283
:And then, of course, the pandemic hit
in:
284
:up to that, everybody made fun of me.
285
:And I was like, you guys want
some toilet paper, you know, so.
286
:And then, you know, as part of that,
I started to, yeah, I started to
287
:train to learn how to hunt and you
know, started to make new friends in
288
:that in those different communities.
289
:And you know, I stumbled on
to Ryan holiday, who, who
290
:studies a lot of the stuff.
291
:So spend a long time reading about that.
292
:And then from there.
293
:Match, you know, there you go,
294
:Matt, this guy, Nick, who
owns the gym called the Gogi.
295
:And join that gym and that same concept,
you know, it's like, 300, 400 guys
296
:from all across the United States.
297
:And there would be mentorship
calls a couple days a week.
298
:On various topics, and then at 1 of
those topics, there's a guy named
299
:Jeff Smith, who runs a tactical
empire that has an inner circle
300
:group that I joined that group too.
301
:And that was about a year ago.
302
:And that he has kind of developed
this discipline around the 4 s.
303
:So.
304
:Fitness, finance, family and freedom.
305
:And with him, I developed a thousand
day plan, which is a three year plan
306
:and then worked it back and a lot.
307
:And we meet every Wednesday.
308
:So we meet today at 10 and there's
different lectures that come and a
309
:lot of these guys are ex-military,
and I think a lot of 'em are very.
310
:You know, went off and fought in the
war, in Afghanistan or wherever and
311
:came back and realized, I got sucked
into something or I did something that
312
:they felt used or felt like pawns.
313
:And, and from that developed a very
strong system of beliefs and so, through
314
:that year, I did a lot of things that
I needed to do, like, set the family
315
:trust and get life insurance policies
and develop, their personal banks,
316
:their infinite banking accounts.
317
:Put the kids on the payroll, just
everything you could think of
318
:to kind of evolve myself and
going through that process.
319
:I was always an entrepreneur.
320
:Like, I was the guy selling now
and laters and cokes out of my
321
:locker before I was selling weed
out of my locker, you know, and
322
:so another gentleman that I
met during those lectures was
323
:a guy named Matt Boudreaux.
324
:Who started a, a school.
325
:He was an instructor.
326
:He you know, as an administrator at
Stanford tried to fix the school system
327
:from the inside and realize that it's
just so far broken and so corrupt
328
:that it's better to start his own.
329
:So he partnered with this guy,
Tim Kennedy, and they opened like
330
:100 schools last year and it's.
331
:All about, like, developing kids and
so stuff that kids need to know and
332
:so he, he turned me on to a couple
of different books and that really
333
:opened my eyes to, why the school
system was built the way it was in
334
:America and what those objectives were.
335
:So my wife went to Stanford for 12 years.
336
:She's a doctor, like, very successful
group, grew up in the Catholic
337
:school system her whole life.
338
:And so she has very strong beliefs
about the kids going to school.
339
:So there's no way I'm,
like, homeschooling.
340
:These kids are taking them out of the.
341
:Environment to, to kind of help
them learn the stuff they need
342
:to learn for the long term plan.
343
:And so.
344
:As part of my 1000 day plan, when
I write my fitness, my family
345
:objectives, my freedom objectives,
and my financial objectives.
346
:A lot of the family objectives are like,
take the kids to see the world, so
347
:we, I took them to see, I took them to
France because I wanted them to see it.
348
:And I started a new business
this year and affordable housing.
349
:So, I'm buying houses in Alabama
for single moms, basically, and then
350
:converting them to government housing.
351
:But.
352
:I've got a 13 and 15 year old, and I
said to him, you both have to buy a house
353
:this summer as part of this business.
354
:So, you've got to find the property,
you've got to build a pro forma,
355
:you've got to contact the real
estate agent, you've got to make the
356
:offer, you've got to find the team
to fix the property, because that is,
357
:they will learn more from that than
they will an entire year in school.
358
:And so, I'm trying to create
opportunities for them to do that.
359
:I've told Ko and my son, That I'll
fund his first company that I want him
360
:to start it in ninth grade, like, go
set up your LLC and getting started.
361
:And, and it's, I think school is fun
for them and, it's great to hear them
362
:speak in other languages and having
all these experiences, but I do think
363
:it's largely a waste of her time.
364
:I I told my daughter who's, going into
her senior year of high school that if she
365
:wants to go to college, that's her choice.
366
:I certainly support that decision,
but I don't believe that that's
367
:for everybody and certainly not
for anyone that doesn't need it.
368
:You know, I have two degrees,
two bachelor's degrees, spent
369
:thousands and thousands of
dollars , on those pieces of paper.
370
:Life experiences and education can happen
in the ways that you're cultivating.
371
:And I would say that
they are more impactful.
372
:Then anything you could
learn a traditional school.
373
:So yeah, I think, always was fun.
374
:Don't get me wrong.
375
:I had a great time, living in a
fraternity house playing lacrosse.
376
:But I don't know, it didn't necessarily
get me on the road to where I needed
377
:to be, and so I kind of view we've
saved, since birth for their college
378
:fund, and I largely view it as the
don't get drafted fund, these days.
379
:So, I want to talk about something
you put in the questions I asked you
380
:before you hopped on when you 1st
scheduled the podcast you say that
381
:your biggest relationship strength.
382
:Is that you align your long term goals
through an annual relationship summit.
383
:Tell us more about that When I first
started dating my wife, she had mentioned
384
:this case study that she read that
385
:couples that align annually Tend to
have better success and stay together
386
:Like I don't know what the failure
rate of marriage is, but it's pretty
387
:substantial and so and it's it's funny
like Even as part of the inner circle,
388
:like, we all do relationship summits.
389
:All the men in that group do
relationship summits every year as well.
390
:And sometimes it's just like,
go away for the weekend and then
391
:talk about what the plan is.
392
:But this year, I spent probably 30 hours
writing my:
393
:In, in that framework and then
challenged my wife to do that as well.
394
:And she
395
:definitely came back with a
list of things that we put as
396
:goals for the year to get done.
397
:And you know, now we're just trying
to track them down just trying.
398
:You know, another part of that discipline
is, like, we talked about wins.
399
:Well, I start every week with,
like, the list of my tasks as
400
:are related to those 4 apps.
401
:And then I finish every week, like,
counting the wins, like, what got done.
402
:And that discipline allows me to
accomplish a lot, you know, more, I don't
403
:think a lot of people live like that.
404
:And so, you know, to take the kids to
France or on the objective was to teach
405
:them both how to drive cars this year,
you know, like, I was driving when I
406
:was 13 and so no reason why they can't
learn, or, we booked several weekends
407
:away it just to get that quality time.
408
:And the objective to get them to
both buy a house or figure out how to
409
:do it together and learn the business.
410
:Yeah, a lot of, a lot
of gains come from that.
411
:I'm sensing a theme here kind
of, Kai, which is it seems like
412
:like you don't play by the rules.
413
:Unfortunately, and I mean that
affectionately, because I think a
414
:lot of the problems that a lot of
us have are by trying to fit into
415
:some, specific way to live your life
that's dictated by other people,
416
:that's dictated by society,
what society says is okay.
417
:Like the example just now is a
minor example of like teaching
418
:your 13 year old how to drive.
419
:Like, I can't do that
because he's 13, right?
420
:Like, who cares, right?
421
:You're gonna do it because you think
it's right for you and your family.
422
:And if something happens that's a
negative repercussion, Which is probably
423
:not going to, but if it would, , you'll
do it, you'll do it, you'll do it.
424
:Exactly.
425
:So, , it's this idea that , , we're
supposed to do things a certain
426
:way, but where does that get you?
427
:? , where, if you followed the
rules a hundred percent of the
428
:time, , where are you right now?
429
:Where has it gotten you so far?
430
:And is it going to get you where
you need to be three years from
431
:now, four or five years from now?
432
:And the answer, I mean, , everybody's got
to answer that for themselves, but I would
433
:argue that , it's probably no, it's not
going to get you where you need to be.
434
:I think it comes back to that reading
that book is called weapons of mass
435
:instruction, which was what, how
the school systems were built, you
436
:know, based on this Prussian model to
build obedience and blind obedience.
437
:You know, there's a reason that
it's an 8 hour day at school and you
438
:have to raise your hand to go to the
bathroom, and then you just because
439
:they're trying to train people.
440
:Yeah, it's an interesting topic.
441
:And obviously, I don't think we
have enough time to really dive
442
:too deep into into that topic.
443
:But I, I agree with you because
it's like, you, like, It's, it's a
444
:glorified prison in some ways, and
even nowadays, the entrances , are even,
445
:you got a police officer at the front.
446
:That's, we know why got metal
detectors at the front doors , at
447
:my daughter's high school.
448
:And, and I'm not saying
that's a bad thing.
449
:Or a good thing.
450
:I'm just saying that it's just like
more and more like now physically
451
:looking like a prison, too.
452
:Yeah, I look, I see, I see it.
453
:My son is bored.
454
:Like, he, he just finished middle
school and he's so happy that it's over.
455
:And I know that he's created all these
aspirations for what high school will be.
456
:But he's bored.
457
:He is bored.
458
:I mean, they're straight A
students, but it's not fulfilling.
459
:And that's the problem.
460
:And I would, you look at, like, the
founding of this country and what
461
:people accomplished when they were
15 to 17 years old, 100 years ago
462
:versus what people are doing now.
463
:Like, it's a.
464
:It's a pretty sad state, and so I'm
trying to do everything that I can to
465
:help them free themselves from that,
or at least see it for what it is.
466
:Yeah.
467
:Right.
468
:, question what everybody tells you , and
find out your own answers is a way more
469
:powerful framework to live your own
life and not just , take the information
470
:you're given and accept it , for truth.
471
:Yeah, no, I'm after, after these
kids to just start now, you
472
:know, you don't have to wait.
473
:Love that.
474
:What if, for all the
dads that are listening.
475
:If you had to give them one thing
that they could take away from this
476
:just to become a better dad, a better
husband, is there one thing , you
477
:think you could tell them to either,
take action on or to think about?
478
:You know, I don't know.
479
:I don't know that there's one
thing I, I, I did actually, I
480
:was, I went to this conference
in Birmingham maybe a month ago.
481
:And Jeff was speaking and he was
talking about having to remind himself
482
:that when his wife walks in the room
or his kids walk in the room to stop
483
:what he's doing and go greet them,
kind of like how your dog will greet
484
:you when he comes through the door.
485
:And he made the reference of, like, when
you're trying to date a woman to start,
486
:, you are very in tune to, like, spending
all your time and attention focused on
487
:them to get to, your hopeful end game.
488
:And for some reason, everybody stops
doing that because of the monotony of
489
:life and that actually, like, I can be
here working on my computer and people
490
:come home and I'm busy and I want to
get this accomplished and they just
491
:got to get up and go to their room.
492
:But now, after hearing that, I make
it a point to stop what I'm doing
493
:and go greet them at the door.
494
:It's, if it's my wife or my kids, because
I want them to see me enthusiastic
495
:about seeing them so that they,
so that we're building that bond.
496
:And I felt like that was
a great gain this year.
497
:Yeah, that's awesome advice.
498
:I think it's so easy to be distracted
these days, especially with devices
499
:in our pockets, and if you're
working from home, you got to sit
500
:at a desk, you got a computer there,
you're trying to get something done.
501
:It's easy to prior, it almost tells,
sends a message that you're prioritizing.
502
:work over family.
503
:And, you, I mean, I
think we all can admit.
504
:Whether we would say this , often
enough or not, but at the end of our
505
:days, when we pass, if we're lucky
enough to pass and have that moment
506
:where we can reflect on our life,
the regrets aren't going to be, Oh, I
507
:wish I got this extra work task done.
508
:It's going to be, I wish I had another
moment to spend with my wife or my kids.
509
:And so that's, we take it for
granted, to your point, we
510
:tend to take it for granted.
511
:And so to be more present.
512
:, when your family's around, that's huge.
513
:Appreciate that.
514
:Eric, what else you got?
515
:I'm curious of the the four F's.
516
:Fitness, finance, family all
make sense, but freedom, what
517
:are some of your freedom goals?
518
:Well, I think, there's a whole
lecture on this, actually, that I
519
:should probably send you because
I probably won't do it justice.
520
:But, do you have the freedom to
live the life that you want to live?
521
:Or are you in tune enough to understand
your purpose and your values that
522
:you're pursuing it and not not.
523
:Living with limiting beliefs or,
are you heading in the direction
524
:that you want to be heading?
525
:You know?
526
:And so, and, and all that comes
down to the choices that you make.
527
:And, like I used to think, freedom
to me was like, time to play
528
:chess, time to read the book,
time, time to work in the garden.
529
:Those all are, aspects of freedom for me.
530
:Like I'm having a good quality
life if I can do those things.
531
:And then it just expanded from there,
but I do, I do have a whole PowerPoint
532
:I can share with you on that.
533
:Yeah, that'd be great.
534
:I am curious though.
535
:Do you still struggle with what some
people refer to as imposter syndrome?
536
:I don't know if you've
heard that term yeah.
537
:Do you still struggle with it?
538
:How often and what do
you do to combat that?
539
:Professionally and personally, I think
at times,, I mean, I definitely have
540
:, prominent roles , in the jobs that I do.
541
:But I, because I'm self employed
and I don't have to deal with a lot
542
:of politics in people's offices,
I'm, my role is, I'm basically Dr.
543
:Phil when I come to work for
people's companies, and so I
544
:don't feel that type of pressure
in my professional career at all.
545
:There's another book called the gap in
the game about something very similar
546
:that incredibly high performers.
547
:You know, your goal could be I want to
make a million dollars this year and
548
:you make 900, 000 and you're kicking
yourself over not hitting that last
549
:100, 000 objective instead of looking
at your gain of I just accomplished 900.
550
:And so I'm pretty good in
my personal life about.
551
:If I'm not living up to my expectations or
working to the expectations that I, I can
552
:stop and look back and say, okay, but look
at what we've done so far, and not feel
553
:like not put myself in that mental state.
554
:What do you, and feel free not to answer
this one, but what do you and your, your
555
:wife fight about most frequently, I guess?
556
:I don't really fight, honestly
we definitely have different
557
:views on school, right?
558
:Different views on politics.
559
:In terms of like, I guess the older
that I get that become more conservative
560
:yeah, we don't really fight.
561
:It's not like I mean, there's definitely
times that I've been frustrated with
562
:her, but, you know, like, in our roles,
like, I'm the guy that pays the taxes.
563
:I'm the guy that handles the finances.
564
:I'm the guy and I'm running
multiple businesses and doing
565
:that for multiple businesses.
566
:Plus our household.
567
:And so there definitely can be stress
that leads to kind of frustration.
568
:Or maybe I answer sharp, very sharply, but
it's not like an underlying disagreement.
569
:It's just cause I'm in a
bad head space, you know?
570
:And how do you guys work out?
571
:Like, how do you work out of that tension?
572
:Do you talk it out or is it
kind of like it is what it is?
573
:No, I mean, I think I told you
my wife's father is from Lebanon.
574
:So he's kind of like, so,
you know, he's amazing.
575
:Dude speaks multiplied languages you
know, sits around watching Fox news.
576
:So it gets all worked up and, you know,
he basically at him as a father, you
577
:know, was kind of a dictator, like
you're going to go to be a doctor.
578
:You're going to go be a
lawyer and a very harsh rules.
579
:And so I think her kind of natural
response is just not to say anything.
580
:You know, and so I kind of, I think
she was probably raised that way
581
:because that's how her dad was.
582
:And so when we have conflict I,
there's usually not a dialogue
583
:and then, \ and then it's unless
we push really push on it.
584
:And then, but it's so rare that it
happens, around here that usually
585
:within a couple of days or a day,
or, it's all worked out moved on.
586
:I want to stick with this
topic just for a minute.
587
:Because I think it's interesting to
me, the conflict and the no dialogue.
588
:how do you ensure , that she's not feeling
a certain way or feeling resentment
589
:towards you or those types of things?
590
:Negative emotions.
591
:If your guys aren't communicating with
words, , how do you know that she's okay?
592
:Do you guys have a system
in place that you use?
593
:Is there, is it kind of understood?
594
:Do you just know each other that well?
595
:, how does that work?
596
:I don't so let me take a step back.
597
:We we, you know, we talked about,
like, the relationship summit and
598
:kind of agreeing in principle.
599
:This is a good thing.
600
:Well, you know, we've been married
going on 18 years in October.
601
:And funny story about your co host
is he slept in my honeymoon suite.
602
:It's my annual, it's about that
annual time for me to bring you up.
603
:It was a great wedding.
604
:In the last.
605
:Couple of years we, we live
around, you know, my kids go to
606
:a very expensive private school.
607
:, there's a lot of prominent families
in the last couple of years.
608
:I've had multiple friends go to jail.
609
:I've had I've seen infidelity and
relationships that led to divorce.
610
:I've seen family shattered right?
611
:And so and we've seen she and I have seen
and have tried to be a place of stability
612
:for the other families and kids and not
that I ever thought I would be the most
613
:stable guy, given my childhood in the
room and given the affluence and kind
614
:of like this illusion that I created
of all these people that were around.
615
:And so there may be disagreements
between my wife and I.
616
:But we're heading in the same direction
and it's not all the other stuff that
617
:we've seen is not on our forecast.
618
:And so if we disagree over money or
disagree over like what to allow the
619
:kids to do, , it's not a big deal, you
know, in 24 hours, it's work itself out.
620
:You make it sound so simple.
621
:Well, it's when your goals are Me
personally, my goal is to be a good
622
:husband and a great father and make money
life is pretty simple and, then everything
623
:after those first three, like building
community or being a mentor or helping
624
:people, you know, getting back to service.
625
:You know, it's like, that's,
that's a full time job.
626
:I think , that's a great
way to look at it too.
627
:Right.
628
:It's like, being a great husband
isn't, it doesn't happen by accident.
629
:Yeah.
630
:You know, being a great dad doesn't happen
by accident, so you have to actually work
631
:at these things, and I think a lot of, I
think you mentioned it earlier in this,
632
:in the episode that, you know, people
tend to kind of like, be really in tune
633
:in the beginning, but then once, the
end result of like, getting married,
634
:whatever you want to call their, their
goal happens, then it's like, turn off.
635
:Right.
636
:So like coming back to, Oh, right.
637
:Like when I was dating , this woman, I
was really interested and curious and
638
:asking questions and wanted to know more.
639
:And we had fun.
640
:And like, where did that go now?
641
:. So let's get back to , some of the
things we used to do when we, as if
642
:we weren't married to this woman.
643
:Right.
644
:So I love that.
645
:Like being in tune with each other.
646
:Goes a long way to having
less and less disagreements.
647
:And then when you do have those
disagreements, they're a lot easier to
648
:resolve because you guys are in tune with
kind of the same direction, same goals.
649
:Do you guys do shared goals or
do you just do individual goals?
650
:They're kind of jointly developed, like,
I have all my stuff that I'm trying to
651
:get done, but you know, like, my wife can
early retire at 58, which is in 9 years.
652
:And so, like, we built, like,
the 10 year plan, like, where
653
:do we want to be in 10 years?
654
:And how, how do we achieve that stuff,
which, you know, you can really get
655
:sucked into caring too much about it.
656
:Like, so you still have to allow
yourself to have fun along the way.
657
:You know, along the, along
the lines of, like, being
658
:attentive and dating your wife.
659
:I don't know if you've ever heard that,
that comment, but you know, we buy
660
:season tickets to the Geffen theater and
there's 7 plays a year as part of that.
661
:And that's 7 guaranteed date nights.
662
:You know, it's not really a night,
'cause I'm a, I go to bed at like
663
:nine, but , it's a mat and Mary , but
it's still like time for us to go,
664
:just enjoy, enjoy something together.
665
:And so it's real like, again, driving.
666
:Driving my son to tennis practice or
taking my daughter to volleyball or
667
:her taking her to volleyball or doing
travel tournaments Like there's a long
668
:periods of not enjoying life, you know,
because there's so much work to do
669
:I know we got to wrap here
in just a few minutes.
670
:Eric I wanted to just turn it
back to you to see if you got
671
:another question I have a comment.
672
:Same down same down here in it's
one of my secret techniques.
673
:I'll share it with you to have a
lasting happy marriage I, my wife
674
:has some friends that they've been
married for a while and then, you
675
:know, same thing, infidelity breaks up.
676
:One guy got addicted to drugs
and disappeared for a while.
677
:Just little things like,
just non stop, right?
678
:This is always something.
679
:And I just always just look at my wife and
just, God, you're so lucky, aren't you?
680
:I just remind her, you
know, that she's so lucky.
681
:It's, I take every opportunity to
remind her that, that she's lucky.
682
:And I do the same with my daughter too.
683
:Like, ah, do your friends know
that the great, you have the
684
:greatest dad in the world?
685
:She likes to correct me.
686
:Kind
687
:of coming off of that though, celebrating
wins is something you, you mentioned
688
:earlier that you're not very good
at to do personally, but I know you
689
:do it with your, with your kids.
690
:Yeah, look, I well, I write
them down every Saturday.
691
:Like I have my critical tasks on Monday
and I write down my wins every Saturday.
692
:I think you know, what
I'm referring to is Yeah.
693
:I work hard to be a good dad and
have a relationship with them, and I
694
:think I probably am not celebrating
the wins because it's something
695
:that I want so badly, you know,
696
:specifically.
697
:I'm not with my relationship with that.
698
:I really believe truly the way to become
the best dad to your kids is to actually,
699
:number one, want it, but then number two
is aligning your core values with your
700
:core behaviors and teaching them through
your own behavior, your own actions,
701
:? Like how, how our kids pay attention.
702
:I know that to be true.
703
:So.
704
:you can speak to them and you can tell
them all you want, but they don't really
705
:seem to listen and you got to repeat
yourself a lot and then, maybe if you're
706
:lucky 10 years from now when they're 25,
they're going to say, Oh, I remember when
707
:you told me this when I was 15, right?
708
:But they are paying attention to our
behaviors, how we interact with our
709
:partner, how we show up as a man.
710
:And so if you can nail that,
then you're doing pretty good.
711
:And.
712
:The way to nail that is
to constantly be learning.
713
:I know, Kaib, from talking to you
just for this hour, , you have
714
:this growth mindset type of idea
where you're always reading books.
715
:I mean, you mentioned three or four
books since we've been talking.
716
:, you're always learning something new.
717
:And you admitted, I think, right off
the top, I believe I know a lot, but I
718
:also recognize I don't know everything.
719
:And so having that, , humility and
admitting that, there are, I think a lot
720
:of Myself included have some insecurities
around the things that we don't know, but
721
:if the way you deflate that, the power
that that insecurity holds is by saying
722
:that out loud, like, yeah, I don't know
how to do X, Y, Z, but I'm going to,
723
:but I'm capable enough to go find the
resources to learn how to do it better.
724
:And if I have a question,
I'm going to call Kai.
725
:I'm going to call Eric.
726
:I'm going to call whoever
to say, Hey, like, have you
727
:ever encountered this before?
728
:And you're in a, how many men's
groups are you in or dad's groups?
729
:We've got kind of like a
Catholic school, dad group.
730
:And then we've, I've got
this inner circle group.
731
:And then the, the Agoge, which
is the gym, the online gym.
732
:So like, I definitely dedicate time
to this subject, . So having that
733
:community aspect, I think is super
important for any, man, dad listening.
734
:That's like, Hey, I'm lonely.
735
:I feel alone.
736
:I feel isolated.
737
:I don't have.
738
:Anybody talk to find your tribe,
as they say, , find the people
739
:that you align with , and use that
group to talk about real shit.
740
:Cause I know through the early
part of my days as a dad.
741
:I didn't really have a lot of people
to talk to, and most of my friends at
742
:that time just wanted to talk about
surface level shit, and there, and
743
:there's time and place for that.
744
:Certainly you gotta have some fun in your
life, but it's good to have a group of
745
:dads and men and women to talk to, to say,
hey, like, Let me bounce this off of you.
746
:What do you think?
747
:So, hey, I know we're at time
here, Kai, I do appreciate you
748
:carving out an hour for us.
749
:Any last thoughts or Eric, do you have
any last thoughts before we we adjourn?
750
:No, let's, let's hear from Kai.
751
:But we, we've got, Eric and I have
got this trip to Patagonia planned
752
:in December, so I'm really looking
forward to you know, being in the
753
:wild and doing, doing man shit.
754
:Yeah, I love it.
755
:He's gonna take me, he's
gonna take me fishing.
756
:I'm not sure if Eric
will come back, I think.
757
:My, my dad never took me fishing,
so, so Kyle's gonna do it.
758
:There's another great
book by John Etheridge.
759
:I'm gonna have to get
it, get the name to you.
760
:It's, it's really good.
761
:I've read it like four times and
it talks a lot about, a lot about
762
:masculinity and the importance of it.
763
:And so yeah, yeah, send that to me email
me, you have my email and send me that.
764
:Cause I'd love to read that.
765
:That's a quick one, but yeah,
we're just going to go out
766
:and be in the mountains too.
767
:And I think, I think everybody
should make time to do it too.
768
:Awesome.
769
:Well, Hey, thanks again, Kai.
770
:I appreciate you.
771
:And we'll talk soon.
772
:Yeah.
773
:Great meeting you too.
