Why Great Couples Still Break Up (and How to Make Sure You Don’t) with Nick Brancato

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Fred Van Riper: Hey, Nick

I'm excited to have you on.

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Dad's Interrupted.

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Thanks for coming.

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Nick Brancato: Thanks

so much for having me.

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I'm excited to be here and

talk with you about everything.

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Fred Van Riper: First

things first, love the book.

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Prioritize us.

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Love the title.

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Your book tackles a challenge that so

many couples face, which is feeling

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like they're growing apart, even

though they still love each other.

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What was the moment that

made you realize this book?

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Needed to exist.

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Nick Brancato: I realized this

book needed to exist during one

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of the worst times in my life.

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I was at a very low because my

now wife was going through some

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serious mental health struggles.

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She was having extreme paranoia and she

was eventually having hallucinations.

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And ultimately she was diagnosed

as paranoid schizophrenia, but

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it was years of figuring it out.

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And so a lot of unknown chaos going on and

through this deeply challenging time in my

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life even though we didn't know what was

happening and the situation was so severe,

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our relationship actually improved.

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During the crisis, and I noticed that

all our previous miscommunication

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struggles and small arguments, they

disappeared because suddenly health

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and safety became our top priorities.

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And so for the first time,

we were perfectly aligned.

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And so this gave me this aha moment of

now that we have the same priorities

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and things have become easier,

what happens if we apply this idea

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to the rest of our relationship?

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And so I began looking at

identifying and ranking like 10

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core life priorities that cover most

aspects of your day-to-day life.

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And I wanna differentiate between VA

values and priorities because values

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are beliefs that are more stable.

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They are like pillars of your life.

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They might change gradually over time,

but for the most part, once you're an

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adult, your values hold pretty true.

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Priorities shift regularly.

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They change even day to day.

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They certainly change over time.

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And so it's asking yourself, what's

important to me now your priority?

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And so I realize that most

couples argue about surface level

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issues when the real conflict.

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Isn't about the things they're arguing

about, it's actually about misaligned

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priorities or invisible priorities,

things that couples haven't discussed

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at all, sometimes even when they're

very long into their relationship.

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Fred Van Riper: That makes so much sense.

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And everyone goes through

seasons of their life.

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So I know you recommend in the book,

taking, and we'll get into the test

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that you developed, but taking that

every six to 12 months because as

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you said, priorities change and

it's important to stay on top of it.

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You see a lot of people on.

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If you're on social media, talk about a

relationship summit or something of that

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nature, whatever they like to call it.

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But basically meeting about your

relationship on a regular basis.

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It's really interesting to me to see and

witness men and women who focus more on

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their business or even their parenting,

which is certainly a great focus to have.

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They put their relationship

on the back burner.

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And so of course you're

gonna have misalignment.

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You're gonna have misaligned

priorities if you're not having

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conversations, how, nobody's a mind

reader, or at least not many people

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anyway, if you believe in that.

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So yeah, I love your approach.

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You talk in the book about priority

drift, where couples slowly misalign

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over time without even realizing it.

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What are the biggest

contributors to this drift?

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Nick Brancato: So priority drift, I.

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Occurs when people don't

check in with each other.

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So sometimes in the beginning of a

relationship or at a certain point in the

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relationship, people have a conversation,

they get aligned on some big things.

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Maybe in the beginning of

the relationship, they're

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both focused on their career.

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And then as time goes on,

their priorities shift.

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Maybe one starts to be more

focused on relationships and

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family and things of that nature.

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If the, if they don't

check in with each other.

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One partner's still gonna be very

focused on career and won't be making

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any adjustments at all for this new

priority that the other partner has.

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And so they'll just drift over time

naturally if they don't check in.

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So regular check-ins are just

absolutely critical, I think of, I.

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The Total difference score,

which is what you get as a

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result of the Prioritize Us Test.

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The TDSI think of it like a

relationship credit score.

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Most people don't know how to measure

the strength of their relationship

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beyond very vague emotions.

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And so the TDS tells you instantly

how aligned you are, what's

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working, what needs improvement.

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The lower the score, the

better your long-term outlook.

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And it's like people would not make

a major financial decision without

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knowing their credit score, but

they'll make lifelong relationship

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decisions without anything objective

or data-driven to like work from.

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. Fred Van Riper: And us

men, we do like the data.

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So I think it's really helpful to have

something like this to score yourself on

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it, and it gives you some really great

insights into kind of what's going on.

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So I love it.

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A lot of dads tuning in

struggle with balancing work and

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parenting and their relationship.

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What do you have to say to those

dads that are struggling, because you

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prioritize lots of different things.

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How do you recommend, people

in that scenario where they

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have a lot of balls in the air?

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How do they choose what to prioritize?

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Nick Brancato: That's a great

question because the word

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priorities is actually a new word.

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It's only about a hundred years old.

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Before that, there just used to

be priority values are ancient.

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People have been discussing those

philosophizing for thousands of

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years, but multiple priorities

is very modern problem.

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So what you're addressing is

really something that humans

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haven't figured out yet.

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But in the book, I have some worksheets

that after you rank your priorities,

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I encourage you to rank how much time

you're spending on each priority.

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So like, how many hours a week am I

spending on each of these 10 priorities?

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And this is just a really good

check-in for you to do with yourself.

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What I find is that.

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People are always miscalibrated

for the most part.

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Very few individuals have their actions

in alignment with their intentions,

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which is always my goal for myself and

for my relationship, and for anybody

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that I work with, is for your actions

to be in alignment with your intentions.

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And a big part of doing that

is checking in with yourself.

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How am I spending my time?

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Am I allocating my resources

properly to the priorities

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that are most important to me?

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And you'll find that people will rank

entertainment, for example, in their

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bottom three, sometimes even last.

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But then they'll be spending many

hours a day passively consuming

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content that they're not learning

from, and not even really getting

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much from barely entertainment

even but it's it's become a habit.

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And they, if they don't check in with

themselves, they don't assess that.

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And so what I encourage people

to do is check in with their

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partner around these things too.

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So after they make their own assessment

and they can really see where their

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balance, when they look at their partner's

lists and they see what's important.

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If they're very different,

then I encourage people to

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start with their strong areas.

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So what are the pillars

of the relationship?

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So in, in your question specifically, when

people are juggling how to fit in kids.

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There's usually a co-parenting situation.

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Maybe they're currently married,

maybe they're not maybe they're

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together, maybe they're not.

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So in that situation, looking at

relationships is usually gonna be one

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of a very high priority for both people,

their relationships with their kids.

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And so that can become a pillar to bond

over and work from, and then address

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differences later after you address

the things that you're most similar on.

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, Fred Van Riper: That's great advice.

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I Tony Robbins has a famous quote

I'm sure you've heard it, where

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focus goes, energy flows, and.

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I think a lot of people that I run

across with relationship issues,

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they're just now, like when they

bring them up, they're focused on it,

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but over, over the past X amount of

time, they haven't been focused on it.

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So of course the energy is not

flowing to the relationship, right?

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Like I said earlier, you put it on

the back burner, you almost take

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it for granted, especially people

in longer term relationships.

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You just assume.

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It's gonna be there.

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And that's a really bad strategy to have.

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If you want something to work out

long term, you have to continue to

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put energy into the things you care

about the most and most of us do,

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if we're in relationships, we care

about our relationships, but we often

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neglect them, not intentionally.

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It's not a conscious thought like I'm

gonna wake up and neglect my relationship.

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But it is something that I think we're

all guilty of or have been guilty of

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in the past of saying oh we're good.

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Oh, we're good.

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No, we're good.

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And then all of a sudden you're not good.

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If a dad's listening right now and

they're wondering if this applies to

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him, what are some red flags that he

and his partner might be drifting apart?

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, Nick Brancato: This is great question.

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So I.

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The first thing I would encourage

people to do is just jot down their

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top three priorities right away.

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What's important to me right

now, just as a personal exercise,

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takes a couple minutes, right?

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What are your top three priorities?

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And you're trying to figure

out what the red flags are.

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So you wanna look at where are small

arguments occurring, what are the surface

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level issues that seem to be going on?

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And then if there's a lot of repeat.

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Conversations going on, repeat

arguments, similar patterns.

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Those are red flags for not addressing

something at the right level.

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So if something's about the dishes or the

finances or something like that and you're

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having these arguments about surface level

things, you wanna look one level higher

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and say, let's look at our priorities.

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Why is this important to you?

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Why is getting the dishes done

or being done in this timeframe

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important to you or at a higher level?

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When you look at priorities,

what is that about?

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Is that about communication

between the two of us?

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Is that about you feeling safe?

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When the environment is clean?

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What's at the core?

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This issue.

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And so when you're having small arguments,

that's a red flag that you need to

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look at something at a higher level.

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And starting by looking at your top

three priorities, asking your partner

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to do the same and just comparing,

do them separately and then compare,

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takes less than five minutes and

people will be shocked at one of

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the things that's most important

to their partner at any given day.

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Fred Van Riper: I love that question.

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Why is this important to you?

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It's and I know in the book you mentioned

approaching things with curiosity,

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especially for people that have a

higher TDS total difference score.

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I.

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Approaching it with curiosity, right?

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Because it's oh, like I

didn't know that about you.

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Tell me more.

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Tell me why.

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And that's a great question to

ask your partner so that you

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can actually understand them.

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It doesn't mean you have to agree, it

just means you wanna know so that you

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can actually address the issue, right?

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Or maybe become more into alignment,

or at least have the awareness there.

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And a lot of what I like about your

book is that it brings awareness.

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Awareness is the first step to change.

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And if you don't, in your book

has practical exercises in

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there, it's really fantastic.

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So like having some sort of structure

around, , how do I become more aware?

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And one of the ways to become

more aware is to read a book like

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yours and to take certain tests

and do some of those exercises.

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It's now I understand

myself a little bit more.

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Now I understand my

partner a little bit more.

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And now we can actually have real

conversations and deeper conversations.

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And I know men struggle with

these emotions and emotional

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conversations, often.

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And it's part of how we're

conditioned as men growing up.

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And I know a lot of the listeners

have heard me say this before on

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previous episodes, we're human first.

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We all have emotions.

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It does not make you less of a man to

be willing to talk about those emotions.

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You don't have to go blast it out on

social media, but to have friends or

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a counselor, or a coach or a, or even

your wife to be able to talk through

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some of these things that you're.

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Holding in for sure.

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You're having the feelings, it's just you

don't feel comfortable talking about 'em.

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And so to get more comfortable

talking about 'em is really helpful.

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So at least you can have some

self-reflection on your own if you're

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not comfortable, talking them out loud.

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The book really helps with that.

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The TDS total different score

is really interesting concept.

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I know we talked about a little

bit more, but can you dive a little

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bit deeper and tell couples, how

does it help couples realign?

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Nick Brancato: Sure, absolutely.

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So the total different score is the

result of taking the prioritize us tests.

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And basically the test is 10 core life

priorities that you rank one through 10.

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So whether that be career,

communication, spirituality, sex,

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10 core life priorities, you rank

them one through 10, one being the

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highest priority, 10 being the lowest.

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You compare those with your partner and

you get the difference between the two.

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So if I rank something, a one and you rank

something a four, the difference is three.

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So we do that for each priority.

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We add them up, and that gives us a total

different score between zero and 50.

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Zero means you're perfectly aligned.

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No differences at all.

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100% alignment.

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That's like zero.

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That's one in a trillion.

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Doesn't really happen.

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Don't need to worry about it.

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A high number, the higher the

number, the more likely you are

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to need conversations about things

sooner to avoid conflict or help the

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conflict that's currently occurring.

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So it's a data driven tool that

measures priority alignment and

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misalignment between partners.

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I use this in my coaching practice and

found that people were discovering hit

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and misalignments all over the place.

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And just by communicating better, they'll

understand their differences and they'll

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communicate better by understanding

these differences just automatically.

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And so if you lead with curiosity and

empathy and adopt a learning stance,

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asking why is this a priority for you?

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Find out these things first,

then you'll be able to have

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actionable system to work from.

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That's objective and data-driven, and it

takes the emotion out of the equation.

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You just take five minutes check

in on your priorities, check in

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on your partners, compare the

two, and see where you're at.

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If your number is high and you have a

lot of misalignment, that just means

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there's a lot of low hanging fruit for

improvement, for quick communication.

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Maybe there's certain topics like sex

or spirituality that you've never even

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really discussed with your partner, which

sometimes people are together for like

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years and hardly touch on these topics.

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And when they do, sometimes it's in

the beginning of the relationship and

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then they're just like, oh, I'm good.

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Just like you said earlier.

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People think of commitment as a one-time

decision rather than a series of

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ongoing choices that you make every day.

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And to me, commitment is a decision

to continuously realign, to work

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together, to continuously improve,

for it to be mutually beneficial

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and long-term sustainable.

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And that's what I'm really going

for in all my relationships,

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especially the one with my wife.

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Fred Van Riper: That

makes so much sense to me.

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And I'm sure to a lot of the

listeners here in the book you give

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some great case studies, but can you

talk about one of 'em tell us like

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what kind of results have you seen?

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Nick Brancato: Sure.

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A couple that I've recently been

working with is a, they've been

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together for around five years.

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They're a blended family.

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They have two older children in

their thirties living at home.

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And one works from home and

one works away from home.

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And so they have a very

interesting situation.

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When they took the test, one of the

things that they discovered was that

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one partner ranked sex number three, and

the other partner ranked sex number 10.

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And so this is a big difference

at something that can be very

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central to your relationship.

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What we eventually uncovered was

that sex was a low priority for the

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one partner because this had nothing

to do with quality or frequency.

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It had to do with how much time and

effort they can spend on it right now

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or in this season of their life, because

career is very important to them.

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They're in a job transition, and

so that's absolutely critical and

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taking care of their older children.

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Is critical while they can get

them launched out of the house.

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But for this interval,

that's very important.

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And so how we resolved this was

to focus on one of their pillars.

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They both ranked

spirituality as number one.

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And so even though it's important to

them both, they, neither one of them

316

: 00:17:10

spend a lot of time on it right now.

317

: 00:17:13

So they're not allocating their

resources to a pillar of their

318

: 00:17:15

relationship, and it's something

that they can actually do together.

319

: 00:17:19

What we did is we created

a little ritual around it.

320

: 00:17:23

So every morning they take a little

time to meditate together or pray,

321

: 00:17:27

whatever you want to call it.

322

: 00:17:28

And and then after they do their little

ritual, they just take five minutes to

323

: 00:17:32

actually set a little clock and they

just do no screen time and they just.

324

: 00:17:36

Talk to each other about what their day

is gonna be or about what yesterday was.

325

: 00:17:41

And it's so simple.

326

: 00:17:42

It takes, the whole thing,

takes less than 10 minutes.

327

: 00:17:45

They do it at the start of their day

when they have a clean slate 'cause

328

: 00:17:48

they both wake up at the same time.

329

: 00:17:49

So it's pretty easy to get

it in there before bed.

330

: 00:17:52

Also works if people go to

bed at a similar time or

331

: 00:17:56

anytime throughout the day.

332

: 00:17:56

You can even have these rituals over

text message if you're truly that busy

333

: 00:18:00

to squeeze in 10 minutes together.

334

: 00:18:03

. , Fred Van Riper: I love that.

335

: 00:18:03

I, in my work, I call it connection

points, but same thing, right?

336

: 00:18:06

Yes.

337

: 00:18:06

It's these rituals, these connection

points that people should have daily.

338

: 00:18:11

Because if you're in a relationship,

again, I can't say it enough, you,

339

: 00:18:16

it's very, it easy to just take it for

granted, put it on the back burner and

340

: 00:18:21

assume it's gonna be there tomorrow.

341

: 00:18:22

But to your point, and to my

point as well, it's, it takes.

342

: 00:18:26

Daily commitment, daily decision

making, daily choices to keep that

343

: 00:18:30

connection alive and and honestly, for

me personally in my relationship, I

344

: 00:18:35

feel better when I know I'm connected.

345

: 00:18:38

Like I, my day is better

when I have these rituals.

346

: 00:18:42

And so for anyone struggling,

simple thing, like you said,

347

: 00:18:45

it's really simple to do

348

: 00:18:47

. Just find a connection point, find

something you can bond over and

349

: 00:18:50

just spend five or 10 minutes daily.

350

: 00:18:53

Pick a time that works and do it.

351

: 00:18:55

I love that.

352

: 00:18:55

Some couples agree on priorities, but they

often disagree on how to approach them.

353

: 00:19:01

So maybe a personality difference

or just how they were raised.

354

: 00:19:04

Does the TDS account for that?

355

: 00:19:06

How should couples navigate

the deeper differences?

356

: 00:19:10

Nick Brancato: So the

TDS accounts for that.

357

: 00:19:12

I encourage you to ask the question why.

358

: 00:19:15

So once we know it's why the

same priority is important to us.

359

: 00:19:18

It could be important to us for

the same reason or important

360

: 00:19:21

to us for different reasons.

361

: 00:19:22

And so our approaches might be different

because we have different personalities

362

: 00:19:27

and different approaches to life, or

because we're actually doing this thing

363

: 00:19:30

the same thing for a different reason.

364

: 00:19:33

So some people might be driven.

365

: 00:19:35

To pursue their career because they

want stability for their family.

366

: 00:19:39

So they're putting in 60 hour

weeks because they're trying to

367

: 00:19:42

secure their family's future.

368

: 00:19:43

Someone else might be driven by their

career because it's a personal growth

369

: 00:19:47

opportunity, and certainly things

like past traumas come into play.

370

: 00:19:54

And when you're looking

at these situations.

371

: 00:19:59

The thing that I think you wanna focus

on most is resilience and putting

372

: 00:20:05

yourself in a situation where you and

your partner can be the most resilient.

373

: 00:20:10

And so by doing that, you have

to really understand yourself and

374

: 00:20:14

you have to understand each other.

375

: 00:20:16

And when people have the same

priority, but they're approaching it in

376

: 00:20:19

different directions, that can be okay.

377

: 00:20:22

Alignment isn't about being the same.

378

: 00:20:24

It's about complimenting each other,

so everybody has gaps, where they're

379

: 00:20:29

strong and where they're weak.

380

: 00:20:31

And alignment is about understanding

these gaps, knowing where you're

381

: 00:20:37

focusing your time and energy and

resources, and where your partner is.

382

: 00:20:41

So if you understand why someone is

spending all these hours at work,

383

: 00:20:45

that it's about the same shared goal

of finances securing a financial

384

: 00:20:49

future that's both in your top three.

385

: 00:20:52

And so it's about setting your children

up for being able to go to a good

386

: 00:20:55

school and things of that nature.

387

: 00:20:57

You're really working to the same thing,

but it shows up in different ways,

388

: 00:21:01

maybe to one the other partner instead

of dedicating all their time to their

389

: 00:21:04

career, they're putting in quality time.

390

: 00:21:07

Or they're expecting quality time from you

and you can't give it to them right now.

391

: 00:21:12

And so you both prioritize relationships,

but she approaches it with quality

392

: 00:21:16

time and he approaches it with career.

393

: 00:21:19

And so you have to

reconcile these two and I.

394

: 00:21:22

Address them.

395

: 00:21:23

But you can only do that by knowing why

it's about equilibrium versus balance.

396

: 00:21:29

See, I think a lot of people go for

balance, and balance is a temporary state.

397

: 00:21:33

It's not sustainable.

398

: 00:21:35

But equilibrium is.

399

: 00:21:37

Equilibrium is about things being

in an ecosystem that can self

400

: 00:21:43

sustain, that can grow together.

401

: 00:21:46

That's really what you

want in a relationship.

402

: 00:21:49

You wanna be able to adjust for each

other's changing priorities, and you

403

: 00:21:52

can only do that by making them visible.

404

: 00:21:55

Fred Van Riper: Reminds

me of the word symbiosis.

405

: 00:21:58

It's like you you're feeding

off of each other, right?

406

: 00:22:01

This is something I'm

personally curious about.

407

: 00:22:04

Alignment is critical, but what about

attunement being emotionally in sync

408

: 00:22:10

with your partner in the moment?

409

: 00:22:12

Can a couple be aligned in priorities

but still feel emotionally disconnected?

410

: 00:22:19

Nick Brancato: Yes.

411

: 00:22:19

That's a great question.

412

: 00:22:21

And it does happen.

413

: 00:22:22

You can be very aligned, but

emotionally disconnected.

414

: 00:22:25

In fact, sometimes when couples are

extremely aligned, they go on autopilot.

415

: 00:22:31

They have big blind spots together

as a couple because they're not

416

: 00:22:35

necessarily complimenting each

other the way someone with a sort

417

: 00:22:39

of mid TDS score would or could.

418

: 00:22:42

When the TDS score is too low, the

dangers being on autopilot, and it

419

: 00:22:48

depends what stage they are in the

relationship, but this is something that.

420

: 00:22:54

This emotional disconnect can

occur, but these check-ins

421

: 00:22:58

are what really changes that.

422

: 00:22:59

And if you ask your partner their

priorities and why it's important to them,

423

: 00:23:03

you're going to connect more emotionally.

424

: 00:23:06

You're going to understand them better,

and it's going to happen if you just take

425

: 00:23:10

five minutes a day and ask your partner.

426

: 00:23:14

What's important for that day or

what decisions they're gonna make?

427

: 00:23:17

Like my wife and I are both very busy

but we have a, we, we both value health

428

: 00:23:22

and so we go for a 20 minute walk.

429

: 00:23:24

Every day at some point usually in

the morning before things get hectic.

430

: 00:23:29

And so we discuss what are your

top priorities for the day?

431

: 00:23:33

Just tell me your top two or three, what

decisions do you have to make today?

432

: 00:23:37

And by doing that, we can weigh in.

433

: 00:23:39

On each other's lives without

participating actively in the day to day.

434

: 00:23:44

But now we know what's going on.

435

: 00:23:46

And most importantly, we give

each other context for the day.

436

: 00:23:49

So now every action that she takes,

I understand why without having

437

: 00:23:53

to ask if she comes home late.

438

: 00:23:55

I understand it's because she had a big

decision at work to make after work or

439

: 00:23:59

she's prioritizing career right now.

440

: 00:24:01

For whatever reason, and so I understand

having a shared context and is so critical

441

: 00:24:08

and so many people are context blind.

442

: 00:24:11

They just make one decision to be

together and they don't catch up and

443

: 00:24:16

talking while not in an emotional state.

444

: 00:24:19

Is critical.

445

: 00:24:21

So many people only have conversations

when something goes off the rails.

446

: 00:24:27

Like when they're having an

argument, then they're like,

447

: 00:24:28

now we have to talk or whatever.

448

: 00:24:30

You wanna do it proactively,

preemptively talk when.

449

: 00:24:35

Emotions are stable when things are good.

450

: 00:24:39

That's why I love the mornings because

it's like a clean slate from the day

451

: 00:24:44

before and now it's easier to talk about

what happened yesterday or what's going

452

: 00:24:47

to happen today and create a shared

vision together what the day looks

453

: 00:24:51

like or what the future looks like.

454

: 00:24:54

Fred Van Riper: That's

such a great tip, Nick.

455

: 00:24:55

I'm a fair play facilitator and Eve

Rodsky wrote the book Fair Play and

456

: 00:24:59

one of her things that she says in

that book is that you should not talk

457

: 00:25:04

about anything serious when emotions

are high and cognition is low.

458

: 00:25:09

And that's exactly what

you're talking about too.

459

: 00:25:11

It makes so much sense.

460

: 00:25:13

When people say they have conflict

in their relationships, it's

461

: 00:25:16

okay, when are you talking?

462

: 00:25:17

That's a great question to find out.

463

: 00:25:19

Oh, you're only talking

when you're fighting.

464

: 00:25:21

Like of course you're having issues

like, let's talk ahead of time.

465

: 00:25:24

Let's be proactive.

466

: 00:25:25

I love that a lot of guys hear

relationship work and they

467

: 00:25:30

think it means these long.

468

: 00:25:32

Hard conversations.

469

: 00:25:34

What are some small, and you just

gave one small, everyday way that dads

470

: 00:25:38

can stay aligned with their partners.

471

: 00:25:40

So I love the tip about going

for a walk in the morning.

472

: 00:25:42

If you can make that

time what's another one?

473

: 00:25:45

Nick Brancato: So I like to think of it

as like small, medium and large check-ins.

474

: 00:25:51

So as small as like a daily

little ritual, five to 20 minutes.

475

: 00:25:55

A medium one would be

more like once a week.

476

: 00:25:58

So cutting out time for the

relationship, whether that's a meal

477

: 00:26:02

together or a drink together or

smoke together or whatever you fancy.

478

: 00:26:08

Just taking like at least an

hour to two hours once a week.

479

: 00:26:13

Where you can just connect.

480

: 00:26:15

No screens, no distraction,

no other people.

481

: 00:26:18

It doesn't count if you

involve other people.

482

: 00:26:20

So if you're going out in a group

or with friends or family, even

483

: 00:26:23

your kids over, yeah, even your kids

or your kids, that doesn't count.

484

: 00:26:27

That's, that can be quality time and

that can be great for relationships

485

: 00:26:31

and family, but it's not great

for your core relationship.

486

: 00:26:34

That's not great for your

most important relationship.

487

: 00:26:36

Your romantic one, your.

488

: 00:26:38

Particular partner or even your closest

friends, you need that one-on-one time

489

: 00:26:43

where you can be vulnerable with each

other, where you can, where it's a

490

: 00:26:47

safe space to share, and it doesn't

have to be about wishy-washy feelings.

491

: 00:26:52

Vulnerability and intimacy are just

about sharing things you don't usually

492

: 00:26:56

share with the rest of the world.

493

: 00:26:58

So it's about opening up to your

partner in ways that you're not

494

: 00:27:02

comfortable doing with everybody else

and need to track your relationship.

495

: 00:27:07

Like you track your fitness or like you

track your finances, measure progress.

496

: 00:27:13

Don't just guess and

don't just hope for it.

497

: 00:27:16

Have a strategy.

498

: 00:27:18

Fred Van Riper: Why is

individual self-awareness

499

: 00:27:20

such a critical piece of this?

500

: 00:27:22

How does knowing yourself

help in a relationship?

501

: 00:27:26

Nick Brancato: If you don't know

yourself, you can't know anyone else.

502

: 00:27:29

It's just pure guesswork.

503

: 00:27:32

I used to teach poker for the

World Poker Tour Oh, cool.

504

: 00:27:34

For a lot of years.

505

: 00:27:35

And one of the things that's relevant

to so much of life is that when

506

: 00:27:40

you're playing poker, it's all about

knowing what you have, knowing what

507

: 00:27:43

you think your opponent has, and

then acting with regard for it.

508

: 00:27:47

A lot of poker players think they

know what their opponent has in many

509

: 00:27:51

situations, but they have absolutely

no idea because they don't even know

510

: 00:27:54

what they would have in that situation.

511

: 00:27:57

It's like you have to know what

you would do in a particular

512

: 00:28:00

spot before you can even begin to

anticipate the actions of others.

513

: 00:28:04

You have to know yourself, so you

have to know your own priorities

514

: 00:28:07

before you can begin to account

for your partner's priorities.

515

: 00:28:11

And what I find is that no matter how

different people's priorities are to

516

: 00:28:14

start, once they share them with each

other and make them visible, they

517

: 00:28:20

naturally begin to align the priorities

that are important to partner a.

518

: 00:28:25

And to partner B, they start to overlap.

519

: 00:28:28

And so if something is a low priority

for me, but it's a high priority for

520

: 00:28:32

you, eventually that priority will

bubble up because I want to take it into

521

: 00:28:36

account because it's important to you.

522

: 00:28:38

And we care about each other.

523

: 00:28:39

We want each other to grow.

524

: 00:28:41

We want each other to thrive.

525

: 00:28:42

And so if it's important to you,

it becomes increasingly important

526

: 00:28:45

to me just by making it visible.

527

: 00:28:48

Fred Van Riper: Making the invisible

visible is such a powerful thing.

528

: 00:28:51

It's something that Fairplay does

really well for household management.

529

: 00:28:56

Division of labor.

530

: 00:28:56

Equitable division of labor.

531

: 00:28:58

I love that your book and your work

is doing that for men and women.

532

: 00:29:02

When we talk about emotional labor,

533

: 00:29:07

who is responsible for paying

attention to this drift?

534

: 00:29:10

Because it often falls to women in,

in heteronormative relationships and.

535

: 00:29:16

What is one way that men can actually step

up and start holding their fair share of

536

: 00:29:21

the emotional labor in their relationship?

537

: 00:29:24

Nick Brancato: Wow,

that's pretty powerful.

538

: 00:29:26

Okay, you're right.

539

: 00:29:28

I completely agree with you.

540

: 00:29:29

That's so true that so often it falls

on the women in the relationship to

541

: 00:29:35

maintain the communication or to be

the one who has to address things

542

: 00:29:41

and the men will just let it go.

543

: 00:29:44

Sometimes it depends

on who the pursuer is.

544

: 00:29:50

Who the Withdrawer is.

545

: 00:29:51

So in a relationship, even when

there's two pursuers, one of them

546

: 00:29:55

is gonna be more active than the

other in pursuing the other, and one

547

: 00:29:59

of them is gonna be more prone to

withdraw from a particular situation.

548

: 00:30:04

So

549

: 00:30:06

if the pursuer is also the one

who's being proactive, then.

550

: 00:30:12

That's one situation.

551

: 00:30:13

It's rarely the withdrawer

who's being proactive.

552

: 00:30:17

So sometimes the pursuer in the start

of the relationship is the man, but

553

: 00:30:21

then it shifts at some point throughout

the relationship and the man begins

554

: 00:30:25

to withdraw, and it's the woman who's

now in charge of things in a way that

555

: 00:30:30

was never discussed and wasn't true

in the beginning of the relationship.

556

: 00:30:34

So I think some of that is

priority drift and responsibility.

557

: 00:30:40

Taking, so in the beginning of the

relationship, the man might be more,

558

: 00:30:43

much more proactive about pursuing,

about communicating and things like

559

: 00:30:49

that because they're very interested.

560

: 00:30:51

And then once they get their goal

and they're together, maybe all of

561

: 00:30:55

a sudden that starts to drift and

communication becomes a lower priority.

562

: 00:31:01

So I would encourage couples to.

563

: 00:31:05

Assign little roles.

564

: 00:31:07

So for example with priorities, it can be

the man's role to do priority check-ins.

565

: 00:31:12

It's a, it's an objective thing.

566

: 00:31:14

All they have to do is ask their wife or

girlfriend or partner in whatever way,

567

: 00:31:19

what are your, rank these 10 priorities.

568

: 00:31:21

All they have to do is give them a sheet.

569

: 00:31:22

You can just run off copies

and just have a stack.

570

: 00:31:25

So just rank these, then they

can take it back, do the little

571

: 00:31:28

assessment and identify if

there's any conversation points.

572

: 00:31:32

Another thing I would encourage

couples to track is decisions.

573

: 00:31:36

Like what decisions do you have to make?

574

: 00:31:38

One partner can be in charge of

checking in on any ongoing decisions,

575

: 00:31:43

so I think doing the TDS, taking

the prioritize test is a great

576

: 00:31:47

thing to take responsibility for.

577

: 00:31:50

As a man, as a father, as a looking

for tools, I would encourage men to

578

: 00:31:54

look for tools that they can use, like

the TDS that are objective, that are

579

: 00:32:00

straightforward, that are step by step,

even if it's an emotional tool an apology

580

: 00:32:06

or communication tool, like a heart

to heart talk or something like that.

581

: 00:32:10

Just because there's

steps, it's more finite.

582

: 00:32:13

It, there's a beginning, a

middle, and an end, and I think.

583

: 00:32:17

Men in particular, can really

wrap their minds around that.

584

: 00:32:20

It doesn't seem endless like an

emotional conversation where if we

585

: 00:32:25

get into it, when is it gonna be over?

586

: 00:32:27

Are there gonna be tears?

587

: 00:32:29

How do we resolve this?

588

: 00:32:30

Am I gonna make it worse, not better.

589

: 00:32:32

All those fears that are

present when you don't have a

590

: 00:32:35

dedicated framework to work from.

591

: 00:32:39

Fred Van Riper: One of my mentors says

fear is just faith in the wrong direction.

592

: 00:32:43

And I think if you're allowing your

fears to drive your decisions or

593

: 00:32:47

drive your actions or inactions , in

this regard that we're talking about.

594

: 00:32:51

You're setting yourself up for failure.

595

: 00:32:53

So I love that you said assigning roles

because I think with relationships,

596

: 00:32:57

? Romance is both partners responsibility.

597

: 00:33:00

It has to be or else you're doomed.

598

: 00:33:03

You're probably doomed to fizzle

out, ? Because if one person

599

: 00:33:06

is responsible for holding.

600

: 00:33:08

99% of the emotional labor for the

relationship, it's gonna weigh down.

601

: 00:33:13

If you think about it visually, a weight,

it's gonna weigh and burden them to

602

: 00:33:18

the point where it's oh, like he just,

he or she just doesn't care anymore.

603

: 00:33:22

And that's how, and if you hold

that it's hard to deal with.

604

: 00:33:26

And I think a lot of couples,

especially, , longer term relationships,

605

: 00:33:29

like you said, in the beginning.

606

: 00:33:31

You have the honeymoon period, or

you have the pursuit and you're

607

: 00:33:34

trying to impress the other person

and make them like you and all of

608

: 00:33:38

the things, ? And then you eventually

have different priorities, right?

609

: 00:33:42

Which is okay, but you still have to,

, again, where focus goes, energy flows.

610

: 00:33:47

You still have to have some focus

on the relationship, at least as

611

: 00:33:50

a regular check-in so that you

can maintain that connection.

612

: 00:33:55

How does a dad balancing leadership at

home and work make space for his partner

613

: 00:33:59

without dropping the ball elsewhere?

614

: 00:34:03

Nick Brancato: Oh, okay.

615

: 00:34:06

That's a really interesting question.

616

: 00:34:07

So when they're trying to allocate their

resources, their time in particular

617

: 00:34:15

between their career and their

relationship, their primary relationship.

618

: 00:34:21

How do we go about doing that?

619

: 00:34:22

First I would ask them to.

620

: 00:34:26

To identify how much of their time

they're actually using on their

621

: 00:34:32

career and on their relationship.

622

: 00:34:34

Quantify it.

623

: 00:34:35

Don't just make it be wishy-washy

and say you're spending too much

624

: 00:34:38

time here, or Too little time here.

625

: 00:34:40

Break down your week on a weekly basis.

626

: 00:34:42

How many hours do I spend on each

priority and this priority list?

627

: 00:34:46

I give in the book is

a great starting point.

628

: 00:34:48

You can customize it if you need to

figure out something in your relationship

629

: 00:34:53

or something for yourself, change

one or two of the priorities or three

630

: 00:34:56

of them, or make a completely custom

list of 10 and do an assessment.

631

: 00:35:00

That way you can really check in

with yourself in interesting ways,

632

: 00:35:04

just by ranking your priorities.

633

: 00:35:07

So with regard to checking, with

regard to spending time in your

634

: 00:35:12

primary relationship and your work, I.

635

: 00:35:17

Rarely do people, when they're at their

career work, even if they're working

636

: 00:35:20

really long days, is there no downtime.

637

: 00:35:23

At some point they eat.

638

: 00:35:24

At some point, they take a break.

639

: 00:35:26

At some point they do something.

640

: 00:35:28

And at these points, their inflection

points for carving out a small amount

641

: 00:35:31

of time to do a hello, a check in.

642

: 00:35:36

How are you?

643

: 00:35:38

You gotta find out what quality time is.

644

: 00:35:41

To your partner?

645

: 00:35:42

What kind of things do they value?

646

: 00:35:45

Do they value compliments?

647

: 00:35:48

Do they value relaxing together?

648

: 00:35:51

Do they like shared activities?

649

: 00:35:53

What in particular is important?

650

: 00:35:55

So first you need to know what quality

time is to your partner before you

651

: 00:35:59

can even begin to account for it.

652

: 00:36:00

'cause a lot of people,

they don't need much.

653

: 00:36:03

All they're looking is

for bids for connection.

654

: 00:36:06

So you can infuse those

throughout the day by.

655

: 00:36:11

By doing some, by having a trigger.

656

: 00:36:13

So every time I take a break,

I'm gonna shoot a text.

657

: 00:36:16

Or at lunchtime I'm gonna make a

call and I'm gonna frame this call

658

: 00:36:20

beforehand at home saying I'd love to

check in with you throughout the day.

659

: 00:36:25

I love to talk to you, but at

lunchtime I can literally not

660

: 00:36:29

talk for more than two minutes.

661

: 00:36:31

So I want to talk to

you, I want to check in.

662

: 00:36:33

I'd love to call you when I get a

chance, but it can only be this instead

663

: 00:36:37

of calling and then feeling like

you're rushing off the phone or feeling

664

: 00:36:41

like the other person isn't getting

enough, and then it backfires and you

665

: 00:36:44

set yourself up for failure because

you don't actually have the space

666

: 00:36:47

available to have a real conversation.

667

: 00:36:49

Sometimes it's not about going

deep and real conversations.

668

: 00:36:53

It's about maintaining the connection

and helping the connection build.

669

: 00:36:57

And I think the only way you can help

the connection build is by building in.

670

: 00:37:02

Habits and things into your daily life

that become sort of success points

671

: 00:37:08

so that you can create an upward

spiral of success if you don't build

672

: 00:37:12

things in rituals, routines, habits.

673

: 00:37:16

Check-ins, whatever you wanna call these

kinds of things, then you're never gonna

674

: 00:37:20

get unconsciously competent at doing them.

675

: 00:37:22

You're not gonna get them on autopilot.

676

: 00:37:24

And you want your relationship to

partially be on autopilot, but not

677

: 00:37:28

in a static way, in a dynamic way.

678

: 00:37:32

And that's why checking in is so

powerful, because as long as you're

679

: 00:37:35

asking the right questions or doing

the right little test or whatever,

680

: 00:37:39

it's gonna, it's gonna fuel your

relationship forward one way or another.

681

: 00:37:45

Fred Van Riper: I love the term

you used, unconsciously competent.

682

: 00:37:48

That is brilliant.

683

: 00:37:50

Tonight if you were advising a husband,

a partner, a male partner, a dad

684

: 00:37:57

listening to this, what is one question

that they should ask their partner

685

: 00:38:02

tonight to check their alignment?

686

: 00:38:05

Nick Brancato: Okay, terrific.

687

: 00:38:08

I would go home tonight and I

would ask my partner, what is

688

: 00:38:13

most important to you tomorrow?

689

: 00:38:17

So what are your, ideally, what

are your top three priorities?

690

: 00:38:20

But you don't have to

get that in specific.

691

: 00:38:22

Just what's most important

to tomorrow and why?

692

: 00:38:25

Like really just.

693

: 00:38:26

Adopt a learning stance, be

curious, and just get to know what

694

: 00:38:30

their day looks like tomorrow.

695

: 00:38:31

And then all of a sudden, by knowing

that tomorrow's gonna be a little

696

: 00:38:34

easier and throughout the day or at

the end of the day, there's gonna

697

: 00:38:38

be a little more to talk about.

698

: 00:38:40

It's gonna be a little

more interesting and I.

699

: 00:38:43

You're gonna feel a little more connected

just by caring about that little piece.

700

: 00:38:48

So I love to know the top three

priorities, but just knowing one question,

701

: 00:38:53

what's most important to you tomorrow?

702

: 00:38:54

What do you really need to focus on?

703

: 00:38:57

And don't assume that you know

the why when they give the answer.

704

: 00:39:00

Part of the part of what you're

doing is asking why, so that they can

705

: 00:39:03

explain in their own terms why the most

important thing to them is important.

706

: 00:39:09

Rather than just thinking that

you know what they're doing

707

: 00:39:11

and why they're doing it.

708

: 00:39:13

'cause a lot of times you don't

even know what you are doing and

709

: 00:39:16

why you're doing it, nevermind

what your partner's doing and why.

710

: 00:39:19

. Fred Van Riper: That is so true.

711

: 00:39:21

I have a lot of questions.

712

: 00:39:22

I think I actually need to skip

some because I think we're gonna

713

: 00:39:25

run out of time and I wanna

make sure I hit the best one.

714

: 00:39:27

So I'm gonna move on to something.

715

: 00:39:30

For couples feeling really disconnected,

maybe even considering separating.

716

: 00:39:36

How can this framework help?

717

: 00:39:41

Nick Brancato: This framework can help

couples assess whether or not they should

718

: 00:39:44

stay together by knowing if they're far

apart on things that are non-negotiables

719

: 00:39:52

to them, that are deal breakers.

720

: 00:39:53

If I rank career number one,

is that going to change?

721

: 00:39:57

When is that going to change?

722

: 00:39:58

Why is it number one if I say that?

723

: 00:40:03

Growth is absolutely critical to me.

724

: 00:40:05

What does my growth look like?

725

: 00:40:07

Does that mean taking a lot of classes?

726

: 00:40:08

Does that mean going back to school?

727

: 00:40:10

Does that mean traveling for

seminars and things like that?

728

: 00:40:13

Or does that mean reading books

every day or taking a class together?

729

: 00:40:18

What does it look like?

730

: 00:40:19

So I think you really need to know.

731

: 00:40:24

Sorry, I lost my train of thought there.

732

: 00:40:26

Fred Van Riper: So if a couple is using

this framework and they're feeling like,

733

: 00:40:29

,

They're in really dire straits.

734

: 00:40:32

They're thinking about maybe

we should get a divorce.

735

: 00:40:34

Maybe we should separate, I know in

the book you mention, even if you're

736

: 00:40:38

far apart, even if you have a high TDS

score, it doesn't mean you're doomed.

737

: 00:40:41

That's not what that means.

738

: 00:40:43

But explain how this framework

can help that couple that

739

: 00:40:47

is considering separating.

740

: 00:40:48

Nick Brancato: Sure.

741

: 00:40:49

So when you're considering separating.

742

: 00:40:52

You need to know why you're separating.

743

: 00:40:54

And so is it because there are

non-negotiables or is it because we,

744

: 00:40:58

things just aren't working out right now?

745

: 00:41:01

Is there love?

746

: 00:41:02

A lot of times there's love present,

but there's misaligned priorities.

747

: 00:41:06

And one of the things I like to

check in with the couples about is

748

: 00:41:11

their attraction level to each other.

749

: 00:41:13

Like I like to ask, how much

time do you spend flirting?

750

: 00:41:17

Do you flirt?

751

: 00:41:19

How much time did you flirt in the

beginning of your relationship?

752

: 00:41:21

How much time are you flirting now?

753

: 00:41:23

Do you flirt throughout the day?

754

: 00:41:25

I think flirting is a very good indicator

of where the relationship's at and

755

: 00:41:29

where it used to be to where it is now.

756

: 00:41:32

And if you're gonna reconnect and

move forward, that needs to be,

757

: 00:41:36

that needs to play an important role

because that every time you flirt,

758

: 00:41:40

it says, I'm attracted to you.

759

: 00:41:42

I'm attracted to you,

I'm attracted to you.

760

: 00:41:44

And if you're not doing that a lot.

761

: 00:41:48

Then your partner is not going to know

that you're still attracted to them.

762

: 00:41:51

They're gonna think that you were,

they might never doubt that you were,

763

: 00:41:55

but they might doubt that you are.

764

: 00:41:57

And if you still are,

you need to show them.

765

: 00:42:00

Fred Van Riper: Yeah, that is so true.

766

: 00:42:02

What do you say to a couple that

tries your framework tries the TDS,

767

: 00:42:05

but they don't see immediate results.

768

: 00:42:07

How should they, what should they

expect after taking this test?

769

: 00:42:12

Nick Brancato: Okay, so after

taking the test, it's most about

770

: 00:42:16

sparking the right conversations.

771

: 00:42:18

So what you're looking to do is

you're looking to churn up unspoken

772

: 00:42:22

areas, making the invisible visible.

773

: 00:42:25

You're looking to have conversations

that are hard, that might

774

: 00:42:30

not have normally occurred.

775

: 00:42:32

Especially when it's around sex or

spirituality or something that you

776

: 00:42:36

hold very dear and personal and maybe

you don't talk about with everyone.

777

: 00:42:40

You really need to talk about

those things with your partner.

778

: 00:42:44

Have conversations that

might be uncomfortable.

779

: 00:42:46

And I think with any growth,

I would encourage people to

780

: 00:42:49

lean into the discomfort.

781

: 00:42:51

'cause that's where

all the growth happens.

782

: 00:42:53

If you're too comfortable.

783

: 00:42:55

You're not gonna grow.

784

: 00:42:56

And if you're not growing,

then you're gonna atrophy.

785

: 00:42:58

Eventually you're gonna,

you're gonna lose your edge.

786

: 00:43:02

You're gonna, you're not gonna

be headed in the right direction,

787

: 00:43:05

so you have to be moving forward.

788

: 00:43:07

If you're not seeing results

immediately, then you're probably

789

: 00:43:12

focused on the right, the wrong areas.

790

: 00:43:15

You're not having the right conversations.

791

: 00:43:17

So if it seems off from the

beginning, focus on a strength

792

: 00:43:22

and talk about the why.

793

: 00:43:23

For your highest aligned priority.

794

: 00:43:27

Otherwise, look at your, look at where

you're most misaligned and really try to

795

: 00:43:30

understand why that's the case for your

partner and reassess after you discuss

796

: 00:43:37

it and you're having difficulty say,

okay, let's take, let's do this again.

797

: 00:43:43

Like not the same day, but a couple

days later even, and then do it again

798

: 00:43:47

with regard for everything you heard.

799

: 00:43:50

Maybe people were defining words wrong,

or maybe we were having a miscommunication

800

: 00:43:54

over the vocabulary of the situation.

801

: 00:43:57

A lot of times when couples are really

misaligned, there's mul multiple

802

: 00:44:01

communications, miscommunications going

on at different levels and alignment.

803

: 00:44:08

Is absolutely not about being perfect.

804

: 00:44:11

It's about being intentional, and so if

you love your partner and they love you,

805

: 00:44:16

that intentionality will come through and

you will turn conflict into communication

806

: 00:44:22

and you will improve over time.

807

: 00:44:27

The more likely you are to separate, the

more important it is to put in time now.

808

: 00:44:33

In other words, you

don't have time to wait.

809

: 00:44:35

You don't have the luxury of

seeing how things play out.

810

: 00:44:38

You need to identify the tools

that could help you, like the TDS

811

: 00:44:43

or like the tools that you offer.

812

: 00:44:47

And put those into play, put those

into practice at least one a day.

813

: 00:44:51

They say when you're growing a business,

you need to spend at least four hours

814

: 00:44:54

a day on marketing in the beginning

and just be doing that relentlessly.

815

: 00:44:59

And so something, the same thing

is true for your relationship.

816

: 00:45:02

If your relationship is a high

priority for you, how much time

817

: 00:45:05

are you putting into a day?

818

: 00:45:07

Not just quality time together.

819

: 00:45:10

How much time are you spending

preparing for the conversations?

820

: 00:45:13

How much time are you

spending lining up dates?

821

: 00:45:18

How much time are you

spending creating excitement?

822

: 00:45:20

How much time are you spending even

thinking about the relationship

823

: 00:45:24

and setting it up for success?

824

: 00:45:26

Because so many people set themselves

up for failure through indecision kills.

825

: 00:45:30

You're much better off

making a bad decision.

826

: 00:45:34

Not deciding anything because you'll

miss all your opportunities and

827

: 00:45:39

people aren't proactive enough in

thinking about their relationship

828

: 00:45:43

and how to improve it, I think.

829

: 00:45:45

Fred Van Riper: Yeah, I think so too.

830

: 00:45:46

I think, we, again, we take it for granted

that it's gonna be there tomorrow, and the

831

: 00:45:51

truth is it may be, but also may not be.

832

: 00:45:55

And so the more proactive

you can be, the better.

833

: 00:45:57

I agree with that.

834

: 00:45:58

I have a question , about the framework.

835

: 00:46:01

Can the TDS work for dads or moms to help

in their relationships with their kids?

836

: 00:46:07

Nick Brancato: Oh, awesome question.

837

: 00:46:09

So the TDS can absolutely work for

any relationship, especially with

838

: 00:46:13

your kids, but works for business

relationships, potential partnerships

839

: 00:46:16

too, for to work with kids.

840

: 00:46:18

You just need to tweak.

841

: 00:46:20

The test a little bit.

842

: 00:46:21

So instead of sex, for example,

you might put in sports or

843

: 00:46:25

play or something like that.

844

: 00:46:27

You wanna identify, you wanna try

to, depending on how the age of your

845

: 00:46:31

kids, the older they are, the more.

846

: 00:46:33

The test will just work and you just

have to replace one or two things.

847

: 00:46:36

The younger they are, the more

you're gonna have to try to think

848

: 00:46:38

about things at their level.

849

: 00:46:40

So what are priorities for kids?

850

: 00:46:42

Okay, maybe they go to school, maybe

they like sports, maybe they like

851

: 00:46:46

to play games, maybe they like tv.

852

: 00:46:49

So what are their priorities?

853

: 00:46:50

Maybe they like spending time with daddy.

854

: 00:46:52

Maybe they like spending time with mommy.

855

: 00:46:53

Depending on the age we're gonna rank,

we're gonna allocate these priorities.

856

: 00:46:57

You're still gonna keep it 10.

857

: 00:46:59

Keeping it 10 is the key and.

858

: 00:47:01

Have your kids rank it and you rank it.

859

: 00:47:04

Don't rank what you think they're

gonna rank, rank what's important

860

: 00:47:07

to you, and then compare.

861

: 00:47:08

And it's gonna give you a really good idea

of how aligned you are with your child's

862

: 00:47:13

mindset and with business partnerships.

863

: 00:47:16

I would encourage the same thing.

864

: 00:47:18

What's important to a

partnership for the future?

865

: 00:47:22

What do you, what do we both value?

866

: 00:47:24

Where do we rank things?

867

: 00:47:25

So if you're looking at a

business, I like to take the top.

868

: 00:47:28

10 projects or tasks we're

thinking about focusing on.

869

: 00:47:32

I rank them, my business

partner ranks them.

870

: 00:47:35

We compare.

871

: 00:47:36

We see how aligned we are on the future.

872

: 00:47:38

If not, we talk about why

I ranked something high and

873

: 00:47:41

he didn't, or vice versa.

874

: 00:47:43

And so it's a really powerful tool

because it instantly gets us to the

875

: 00:47:47

heart of the matter of what tasks

or projects the business should be

876

: 00:47:50

focused on that we both agree on.

877

: 00:47:54

Two minds are better than one, obviously.

878

: 00:47:55

So the areas of agreeance

are the areas of focus.

879

: 00:47:59

When you're applying it to a project

management or something like that,

880

: 00:48:03

and discussing what your kids'

priorities are with the spouse will

881

: 00:48:08

strengthen the relationship too.

882

: 00:48:09

So even if you just.

883

: 00:48:11

Ask your kid what are the, what's the

three most important things to them?

884

: 00:48:15

And then you act, ask why,

and act with regard for that.

885

: 00:48:18

That doesn't always have to be a

comparison, like taking a formal test

886

: 00:48:22

and then share that with your partner.

887

: 00:48:24

These are all like bonding moments

and decision decisions shape destiny,

888

: 00:48:30

so you need to align them with your

priorities 'cause you're making all

889

: 00:48:34

these micro decisions every single day.

890

: 00:48:37

You can make them at a higher level

and it's actually very relieving.

891

: 00:48:41

Rather than figuring out how to

spend your time every single day,

892

: 00:48:44

you say, I'm gonna allocate this

much time to these priorities, and

893

: 00:48:48

it frees you up to not have to focus

on the things that matter less.

894

: 00:48:53

Fred Van Riper: Being a proactive

partner, a proactive father,

895

: 00:48:57

this is what prioritize us is

teaching anyone who reads this.

896

: 00:49:02

So again, the book is called

Prioritize Us Author is Nick Brodo.

897

: 00:49:07

You can find it on Amazon.

898

: 00:49:08

I'm sure that it's in lots

of bookstores across the.

899

: 00:49:11

The world where you can,

where you buy your books.

900

: 00:49:13

Nick, how can people connect with you

and learn more about prioritize us other

901

: 00:49:17

than going out and purchasing the book?

902

: 00:49:19

Nick Brancato: So I would love to

hear from anybody on Instagram.

903

: 00:49:22

My Instagram is personal dev coach,

like personal development coach.

904

: 00:49:27

I.

905

: 00:49:27

Personal dev coach on

Instagram, they can DM me.

906

: 00:49:29

Any questions or comments,

I'd love to hear from them.

907

: 00:49:32

Also, my website is nick brancato.com.

908

: 00:49:36

That's nick brancato.com.

909

: 00:49:38

If they go there, they

can learn more about this.

910

: 00:49:41

I have a blog there, so I write

some articles and I actually have

911

: 00:49:44

a few spots available for private

coaching to help any individuals or

912

: 00:49:48

couples who wanna uncover their core

priorities and confront misalignment

913

: 00:49:53

and build stronger relationships.

914

: 00:49:56

And for our limited time now,

anyone who's listening, if

915

: 00:49:58

they go to nick brancato.com,

916

: 00:50:00

they can actually get the ebook

of Prioritize Us Absolutely free.

917

: 00:50:04

Fred Van Riper: That's amazing.

918

: 00:50:05

That's amazing.

919

: 00:50:05

I highly recommend doing that as, as

soon as possible for anyone listening.

920

: 00:50:09

Nick, this has been awesome.

921

: 00:50:11

Great conversation.

922

: 00:50:12

Really wise insights.

923

: 00:50:15

What are any final words for the

dads out there that are trying to be

924

: 00:50:19

better partners and better fathers?

925

: 00:50:21

Nick Brancato: Sure.

926

: 00:50:22

I would say that relationships

don't need to be identical to work,

927

: 00:50:27

but they do require understanding

intentional conversations.

928

: 00:50:32

Small, meaningful adjustments.

929

: 00:50:36

My journey with my wife through a lot of

tragedy and trauma taught me that when

930

: 00:50:41

priorities are clear, relationships thrive

even in the most difficult circumstances.

931

: 00:50:49

Fred Van Riper: So true.

932

: 00:50:50

Thank you, Nick.

933

: 00:50:50

Appreciate your time today.

934

: 00:50:52

Nick Brancato: My pleasure.

935

: 00:50:52

Thanks so much for having me.

936

: 00:50:53

I really enjoyed talking with