From Aerospace to Alignment with Alex Egeler
When aerospace engineer turned executive Alex Egeler stepped away from his high-powered career, he expected freedom. What he didn’t expect was the identity crisis that followed. In this episode of Dads Interrupted, Alex shares how becoming a dad “interrupted” his career in the best possible way—and why letting go of outdated ideas of success helped him find purpose, presence, and a career that truly fits his life.
Topics include:
- The leap from aerospace executive to lead dad and coach
- Why success isn’t about hours worked, but energy and impact
- How empathy became Alex’s greatest leadership (and parenting) superpower
- The myth of working parents being “less valuable”
- Practical steps for finding work that aligns with family life
- A simple daily practice to rebalance work, parenting, and self
Takeaway:
Alex reminds us that being “interrupted” isn’t a setback—it’s an invitation to realign with what matters most.
Need career coaching? ↓
Connect with Alex: empathicegg.com
Alex's Custom Career Clarity GPT: Career Clarity GPT
Find Alex on LinkedIn
About the Host:
Hi, I'm Fred Van Riper—husband, father, former construction professional, and creator of the Connection Architecture Process. I help growth-oriented leaders become more clear, confident, and connected through transformational leadership development.
I work with leaders who are successful on paper but know there's another level available—leaders who want to architect genuine connection rather than hope for it. Whether you're leading teams, building businesses, or navigating the complexities of modern fatherhood, everything starts with how you lead yourself.
This podcast explores the intersection of leadership, connection, and authentic living. No corporate fluff. No outdated "authority" models. Just real conversations about the invisible forces that shape how we show up—and practical tools to transform them.
My approach combines unconventional methods with proven frameworks because breakthrough moments happen when we bypass the analytical mind and access our authentic leadership wisdom. Think leadership archaeology, emotional weather systems, and connection as a competitive advantage.
Ready to go deeper?
The Connection Blueprint is my flagship 3-week leadership development experience launching September 2025. This live "course" is designed for leaders who see connection skills as leadership development, not crisis management. Reserve your spot here.
Want immediate insight? Book a free Strategy Call to explore how the Connection Architecture Process applies to your specific leadership challenges.
Looking for resources you can dive into right now? Check out my complete toolkit.
Everything begins with how you lead yourself. Your success, how you handle failure, conflict, and challenging emotions—it all connects back to how connected you are to yourself and others. Let's architect that connection together.
----
Disclaimer: The content contained herein is for inspirational, educational, and entertainment purposes only. Nowhere in this podcast do we diagnose or treat a viewer/listener with any kind of psychological, mental, emotional or physical disorder as might be diagnosed and treated by a personal psychologist or other professional advisor. The content is not intended to be a substitute for working with a therapist but is for the purpose of educating the viewer about new approaches to working on personal problems. Viewers/listeners should use this podcast at their own risk, with the understanding that we are not liable for its impact or effect on its users. Viewing/listening to the podcast does not form a practitioner/client relationship between the viewer/listener.
Transcript
so what would it take for you to walk away from your career that
2
:you spent years building, and if you
did, would it cost you your identity
3
:or finally give you the connection that
you've been craving with your family?
4
:Today's guest, Alex ler, actually
made that leap from aerospace
5
:engineer and executive lead dad and
career coach and what he learned.
6
:Might just change how you see work,
parenting, and what really matters most.
7
:Alex, it's a pleasure to, have
you on and share a little bit
8
:of your time with us today.
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:, Thanks for coming on.
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:Dad's interrupted.
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:Alex Egeler: Thanks so much for having me.
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:Frederick: So let's start here because
I think a lot of people listening are
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:going to hear aerospace engineer to
lead dad immediately be like, wait
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:something, something's up with that.
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:How does that even happen?
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:So can you take us into that story?
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:Alex Egeler: Yeah, so I had
always wanted to be a dad.
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:I think my motives for it were perhaps
questionable, which was wanted to
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:show up my own dad, who I didn't
think had done a very good job.
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:But I really was focused on that and
I got married, found my wife, and part
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:of the screening criteria was, can this
someone I wanna build a family with?
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:And she was amazing for that.
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:And I also let that feed into my career.
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:So I had a job that I thought
was the perfect job to be a dad.
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:It had very clear boundaries.
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:It really wasn't that difficult for me.
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:I was doing very well at it.
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:And then we had our first son.
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:I went on paternity leave,
which even in the first place
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:was a little bit of a red flag.
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:'cause where I worked in
aerospace engineering, people
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:said, what are you doing?
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:I said, I'm gonna go on leave for
three months and take care of my son.
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:And they said the dads don't do that here.
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:Only the moms take leave.
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:So that was the first clue that maybe
I wasn't someplace that really fit.
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:But I went away.
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:I took over caring for my son at
three months and until about six
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:months and got him into daycare.
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:And in that time he went from, a little
potato on the floor to sitting up to
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:babbling, to smiling, to eating real food.
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:And at work nothing happened.
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:Nobody had done my job.
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:In fact, anything that was
related to my job, people just
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:said Alex will be back soon.
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:And I immediately said, how in the world.
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:Can I keep doing this?
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:My time is worth so much more
with my family than it is at this
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:job, but I didn't want to quit.
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:I didn't want to give up my job.
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:So that was the first moment where
I realized all the preparations
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:I'd done to be the dad I wanted
to be and have that career.
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:I'd gotten wrong.
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:I'd thought that I wanted an easy
job that had firm boundaries and
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:really that wasn't it because.
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:An easy job meant I didn't care about it.
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:It didn't push me, and I really just
didn't understand why that would be
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:a place that I could show my family.
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:What a career looked like.
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:So I quit.
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:And that was the first leap.
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:I went to work for a
small aerospace startup.
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:I said I never would work for
a startup that wasn't what
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:I intended to do in my life.
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:I also thought that I would
never, ever be a manager.
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:I took a job as a manager.
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:I ended up as an
executive, and eventually.
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:The company startup.
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:My biggest fear was what
if it goes outta business?
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:I won't have a job, I
won't have a stable career.
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:It totally happened.
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:It happened in a two month span.
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:We went from nearly going
public to completely shutting
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:the doors and I was fine.
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:And in fact, at that point I had all the
momentum in my career and I just took a
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:step back and said, I'm gonna be a dad.
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:It was really difficult.
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:And you mentioned the identity piece.
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:That was really where it
came in and hit me of.
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:I had put so much of my identity into
my career and being successful, and that
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:had really crowded out being a dad, even
though I'd made these huge career moves
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:to be a better dad, and it had absolutely
helped to have more time to do things
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:that I cared about, to work at a place
where I felt like I made an impact.
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:None of that matter.
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:When it all went away and I was left
with, I'm a dad, what does that mean?
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:So that was really the moment where I
had to take a look at myself and what
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:mattered and what my values were and
why it felt so bad to all of a sudden
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:not be the breadwinner, to not be the
one who was successful in my career.
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:I always say for the first three or four
months after that, if I met somebody
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:new and they said, oh, what do you do?
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:I would always say, I used to
be an executive at an aerospace,
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:like I was some badge of honor.
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:I had to earn, oh, this is
what they'll judge me for.
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:It took, yeah, four, six months
before I could just say, oh, my
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:company went outta business and
I'm just home with the kids now.
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:That was how hard it
was for me to process.
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:And so eventually I realized I
didn't need that badge of honor.
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:I didn't need that success.
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:I needed to be there for my kids.
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:And what that meant
was a job that I could.
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:Control that I could do, and that showed
them something that was important to me,
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:which was helping other people, which I
really wasn't doing in my previous job.
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:So that's how I ended
up as a career coach.
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:A long meandering path.
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:But every step was what does my family
need right now and what can I do to
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:get my values and actions more aligned?
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:Frederick: Such a great story.
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:I love that.
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:Tell me was, you mentioned
that it was hard.
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:Was stepping away from the high level
career scary, or was it freeing?
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:Alex Egeler: I thought it was going to
be freeing, but it was definitely, it
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:was some scary, but mostly it was just
like, I don't know, almost painful.
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:It just felt I went into this spiral
of thinking, if I'm not making
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:money, I am not earning my spot.
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:I'm not being valuable to the family.
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:And it's so funny because that isn't
nobody in my life was saying that, right?
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:At that time, I never ever
met somebody who was like,
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:you're just a stay at home dad.
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:Like I know that there's a lot
of stigma around it, but where I
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:live in this part of the world.
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:I literally never had a single encounter
where I walked away and thought,
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:oh, they really judged me for that.
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:It was all in my head.
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:It was all sort of the programming
from my family history and society
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:around my job is to make money, and I
think the big piece was getting over
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:that programming and that piece of my
identity that had held so firmly too.
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:Money is the way that you
provide value as a dad.
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:That was all I'd seen for
two generations ahead of me.
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:And it just, even though I knew in
my head every day, no, I'm getting
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:the kids out of the house, the main
reason why I was the one who stepped
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:away, we knew we needed somebody.
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:To take over really the house at,
as the pandemic was winding down,
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:we had twin two year olds who'd
literally never been out in the world.
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:We had two older kids who were,
one of them was going to elementary
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:school for the first time 'cause
it had been all remote or hybrid.
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:Until then, we knew we had all these
transitions coming and my wife's job.
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:Is super important.
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:She does clinical trials for pediatric
cancer late stage, so end of life,
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:life-saving treatments, and there was
no way I could compete with that, right?
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:From a financial
standpoint, sure, whatever.
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:But from a what's the point of
us being here on this planet?
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:What she does is a million
times more important than me.
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:So it was a no brainer for me to
take over, but it still didn't
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:feel right for quite a while.
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:Frederick: Yeah.
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:And I imagine making such a big shift
also changed how you define success.
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:So what's something you used to believe
about success, either in career or
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:parenting, that maybe now you just
don't, you don't believe it anymore?
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:Alex Egeler: Yeah, I think you know
the old saying of nobody looks back on
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:their deathbed and thinks, oh, I wish
I'd done one more PowerPoint, or I wish
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:I'd done, gone to one more meeting.
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:For me, I think the moment was recognizing
my legacy on this planet was not going
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:to be anything I did in my career.
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:There are some people who reach
points that they do things that
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:affect the whole world and their
names are known for history.
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:I was never gonna be one of those people.
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:I didn't even really wanna
be one of those people.
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:And so if my legacy wasn't going
to be that, it was going to be the
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:relationships that I built with
the people that mattered to me, and
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:especially setting my kids up to have
those relationships move down the line.
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:The trace of me that I'm leaving
behind on this world is through my
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:kids and making sure that they are.
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:Independent and thoughtful and
kind and creative and passionate
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:and emotionally available, right?
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:Those are the traits that I really wanted.
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:And so that, to your question, that's
really what success looks like to me, is
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:how do we make sure our kids are going
to make the world a better place by
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:their actions, by their being there, and
what can we do to foster that every day?
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:Frederick: So good.
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:So you've made, you made this huge
pivot engineering to lead Dad.
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:I'm curious, once you were in that
new reality, what did you start to
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:notice about the tension between
career success and family life?
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:Not just for you personally,
but for parents in general?
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:Alex Egeler: I think one of
the key things, especially
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:as a dad is to understand.
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:That my career had a 10 year headstart
on my sort of identity and priorities and
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:success and recognizing that in that time
a lot of my ideas about what mattered
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:and what I wanted to do really hardened.
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:And then it was breaking through that.
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:And I, I see that a lot with the parents
I work with, which is, you wanna do it the
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:same as you used to once you have a kid.
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:And I think it really becomes.
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:Much more about doing it wisely.
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:I always use the analogy of I
dunno if you follow hockey, but
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:there's a lot of really, yeah.
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:Really like important defensemen
who, when they started their career,
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:they had amazing, physical talent
and when they entered their career,
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:20 years later, they were still.
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:Anchoring Stanley Cup teams, but
it wasn't 'cause they had, they
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:weren't the fastest skaters anymore.
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:They weren't the hardest shooters anymore.
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:It's because they had learned how to use
their experience to play the game well.
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:And I think that's really what I, I think
of that analogy as becoming a parent.
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:It wasn't that I could keep up with that
same level of intensity that I had before.
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:It was.
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:How can I do it smarter?
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:How can I use my talents in ways
that will provide the most value?
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:So I don't need to be working 12 hours
that I can get, provide more value
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:to the company or to my clients or
whoever in a shorter amount of time.
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:And that comes with experience.
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:So I think that being okay with that mind
shift right is, was really the hard part.
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:But that's the one that I see
working through a lot with parents.
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:Frederick: Would you say that's the
biggest challenge that they face?
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:Alex Egeler: That's one of 'em.
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:I'd say the other one is just the idea
that it's okay to do it differently.
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:It goes with it, but that there's
a different way to do it and that
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:the way you've always done it, you
have been successful and it's hard
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:to let go of things that have given
you, bring, brought you success.
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:And that's true of how you do work.
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:That's true of emotions.
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:That was a big one for me in learning
about anxiety and how to let go of it was.
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:It's been so helpful to me in my life.
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:I'm always on time.
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:I'm always prepared.
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:Every talk I ever gave was super polished
because I was so nervous that I would
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:over prepare, that I would overdo it.
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:And so with all of these things that
anxiety has given me that were a positive,
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:when I wanted to say, whew, I really
need less anxiety 'cause I need my kids.
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:To not be feeling it right.
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:I need to not be so it be pouring outta
me so much that they're absorbing it.
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:It was hard because it did
all these positive things.
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:So I think it's that idea that all of
the things you've done to this point
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:have been helped with your success
and now you need to let go of them.
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:And how do you really frame your
thinking and mindset around that?
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:Frederick: Why do you think so
many parents feel trapped between
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:career success and family success?
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:Alex Egeler: I think in a lot of cases
it's because it's painted as this
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:binary thing that the only way to be
successful is the way you have done it.
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:And so if you can't do that because
there's fewer hours in the day because
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:now you know your day starts at 5:00 AM
and by the time you get to work at nine,
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:you've already done half a, half of a
work day of another job, you're tired.
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:You're not thinking as clearly,
you're probably not as motivated.
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:It just feels so much more draining
and so to me, I think the world kind
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:of paints this picture of there's.
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:Aren't many people who are really changing
the way that they think about success.
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:It comes so much around your position,
your financial rewards related to that.
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:And the other pieces of it are
very difficult to quantify.
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:You don't get a number for how much
connection you have with your kids, right?
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:But and so I think it, you just get.
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:It always pulls back to work.
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:'cause there's all these things that
sort of human brains gravitate towards.
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:And it's hard to hold onto the connection
and the kids piece of it through all that.
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:Frederick: What myths about parenting and
work do you think we need to dismantle?
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:Alex Egeler: I think the number
one is that working parents are.
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:Not as productive or not as valuable
because they can't spend as much time.
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:Again, the skills that I've
learned being a dad, the things
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:that I worked on every day.
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:Empathy, patience, acceptance.
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:Those are the things that true
leadership is built around.
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:And yeah, I couldn't work as many
hours because I was taking my
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:kids to soccer practice or drop
off, took an extra half hour.
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:But at the end of the day, I think I'd
rather the time isn't what matters.
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:It's the product, it's the
team, it's the connection.
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:And I learned how to do
those things so much better.
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:And I carried that.
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:Back and forth.
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:Everything I was learning at work, I
was taking home to be a better dad and
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:everything I was taking from home, I was
taking to work and being a better leader
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:Frederick: It.
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:It makes me wonder, like when you're
balancing all of that, like if
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:you are a working parent, right?
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:How do you, how does one personally know
when you're out of alignment, either
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:with your work or with your family?
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:How do you recognize that?
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:Alex Egeler: for me I generally
talk about it in terms of energy.
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:If.
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:Parenting takes a lot of energy out of
you, and normally the hardest part of
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:the day is the end of parenting, right?
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:The dinner, bedtime.
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:That process for my family, that's
always been the part that's taken the
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:most out of us, and it's really just a
question of how much is left in your tank.
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:When you get to that point, you
can't rearrange it so that you put
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:your kids to bed first thing in
the morning and then go to work, so
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:you're stuck with this arrangement.
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:If you're arriving at, 6, 6 30, 7 when
you're starting this process and you
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:are just defeated from the day, right?
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:You feel I didn't do a good enough job.
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:I wasn't able to get what I wanted to.
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:I know that I'm letting my work down.
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:If that's how you're feeling.
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:Then you're never gonna make it.
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:You know that the rest of that
process is not going to go well.
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:I, there's tons of research to show
that this idea that you could segment
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:out your personality, it doesn't exist.
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:Mental health challenges carry over.
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:It's, you have, there's only
one you and you only have one
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:emotional reservoir to draw from.
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:So to me, that's the main, I'd
say that's the main clue is.
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:When you're going into that moment
or even worse, if that ma moment
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:really matters to you being there for
dinner, being there for bedtime, and
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:you can't even accomplish it, right?
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:You can't get there because
you're feeling like, I have to
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:stay at work, I have to do this.
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:Sure, there are deadlines that happens
every once in a while, but if that's
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:like a consistent pattern or when
you're showing up, you're just like,
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:I just need to get through this.
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:I can't handle this.
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:I can't handle the crying, I
can't handle those are the moments
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:your kids are gonna remember.
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:They're gonna.
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:Feed off of that, and they're gonna start
making those negative associations back.
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:This, my, my dad was tired and impatient
and mean, and that was because of work.
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:And then they're gonna think work
makes you mean and impatient and tired.
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:That's not, I don't wanna work.
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:And that's, I, that's not the kind of
association I want my kids to make.
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:I want them to see me
come home happy and ready.
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:And the way you do that is you
have a job that you care about,
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:that you make an impact at, that
supports you in being who you are.
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:And you don't feel like, oh.
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:I have to be somebody different
there that you can come home with
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:that full reservoir, or at least
most of it, ready to tag in on
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:the most important job of the day.
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:Frederick: Oh yeah.
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:So many of us are walking
around with masks on trying to
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:perform other people, right?
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:It's like
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:You need to.
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:Impress other people.
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:And then somehow doing that day
in and day out, you start to
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:lose the connection to yourself.
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:What you're describing feels
like it requires a ton of
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:emotional awareness to navigate.
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:You actually named in the pre-show
questions, you named empathy as one
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:of your relationships superpowers.
325
:Let's talk about that for a second.
326
:has that shaped.
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:The way you parent and coach
through these challenges.
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:Alex Egeler: Yeah, that
was, it was a big piece.
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:I'd say understanding emotional
intelligence in general, but
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:empathy specifically is probably
what led me most down this path.
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:I thought for the longest time that
what my value was most useful to
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:a company was my ability to write.
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:Computer programs that
design things that fly.
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:And that's a very unique
talent and I really enjoyed it.
335
:But as I moved on in my career, I came
to understand that I was good at that,
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:but I was roughly the same as a lot
of other people who were good at it.
337
:But the thing that I was actually good
and was unique about it was I could help
338
:explain the things that we did to people
who didn't necessarily understand it.
339
:And I could think about it the
way that they thought about it,
340
:and I could convince people.
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:How to, that we needed to
do things a certain way.
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:And when I read originally the
sort of EQ book by Daniel Goldman,
343
:I was like, oh, this is it.
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:Like I am smart, not like standout,
brilliant, whatever, but I'm smart.
345
:But my EQ is very high
for somebody who has.
346
:An engineering type, brain.
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:That was really the thing that I realized
and I came to understand it was even
348
:more about empathy and that I would
walk into a room and I would know what
349
:everybody else was thinking and feeling.
350
:And that just isn't how
other people operate.
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:And so that was in my career when
I realized that I moved away from
352
:being an individual contributor
and into being a manager.
353
:'cause I saw this is a,
this is easy for me, right?
354
:This is a skill that I have that
I've honed that really doesn't.
355
:Take much out of me to use and it's super
valuable for the company, more valuable
356
:than my ability to write software.
357
:So understanding that as my
strength, I think really was
358
:what kind of unlocked this path.
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:And then as a parent, understanding,
okay, empathy is really good, but
360
:you have to be careful with it.
361
:You have to make sure you
don't use it too much.
362
:You don't over empathize, right?
363
:That if your kid having a problem,
you don't join them in the suffering.
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:You make sure that you're.
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:Recognizing and validating that
feeling, but also standing apart
366
:from it and showing them I trust that
we're gonna make it through this too.
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:The sturdy parenting that Dr.
368
:Becky Kennedy talks about on good inside,
like that made so much sense to me.
369
:'cause I can see that sometimes I do
get sucked in and I'm very lucky that
370
:my wife will be there and be okay.
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:But one of us, we need an adult here.
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:I understand they're having trouble.
373
:She actually did that to me last night
even so it, it still happens, but
374
:that recognizing what other people
feel and recognizing that is my sort
375
:of unique capability is why this
path has worked out for me, I think.
376
:Frederick: On the flip side of that, Alex,
you said you're, you struggle to listen
377
:Alex Egeler: Yeah.
378
:Frederick: without trying to fix,
379
:Alex Egeler: Yes.
380
:Frederick: I think a lot
of men struggle with that.
381
:A lot of dads struggle with that.
382
:So how do you work on that personally?
383
:Alex Egeler: I think the key to
that one was recognizing that
384
:not everybody needs every problem solved.
385
:And that was a big one for us to figure
out in our marriage especially at the
386
:lowest point of our marriage when we
had just had our second kid where he is.
387
:But he was about six months old and my
wife and I got to the point of just.
388
:Overwhelmed.
389
:We didn't really prepare for our
second kid the way we did the first,
390
:and I think that's pretty common.
391
:I tell people that the
second kid is always harder.
392
:And even for us, we went from two
straight to four 'cause we had twins.
393
:And still the transition
from one to two was harder.
394
:And it was because we really just thought
we knew how to do it and we thought
395
:that we had systems and plans and none
of them could accommodate two kids.
396
:They could all accommodate one,
but they couldn't accommodate two.
397
:When we went to we, we eventually
ended up in couples therapy.
398
:And the main thought that the main
thought each and I, my wife and I,
399
:each had every day was, I'm doing
everything and you are not doing enough.
400
:And I know, you as a fair play
administrator, you understand that's
401
:a very, I'd say common and certainly.
402
:Difficult trap to get out
of because you're just so
403
:negative and defensive about it.
404
:You can only wanna hear all
the work that they're doing.
405
:And the truth was, of course, we were
both working as hard as we could.
406
:It wasn't that either one of us
wasn't doing enough, it's just
407
:we didn't see it, we didn't
understand it, we didn't value it.
408
:So that was really the big piece.
409
:But when our couples therapist said,
you don't have to solve every problem
410
:this minute, and moreover, you don't
even have to solve some problems ever.
411
:That was like a weight that lifted
off my shoulder, and that's the mantra
412
:that I tell myself when I'm in those
moments of, okay, you need to listen,
413
:is you don't have to solve every
problem every minute, and you don't
414
:even have to solve some problems.
415
:Ever, because that allows me to step
back and say, my job is to listen here.
416
:And if they, if somebody, whether
it's my friend, my wife, my mom,
417
:my kids, if at the end they say,
what do you think I should do?
418
:Then that's a, that's an invitation.
419
:But if they don't say that, assume
that it, this is not a, so this
420
:is not time to solve the problem.
421
:This is time to listen and validate.
422
:Frederick: You, I, if you've listened
to this show before, I'm a huge fan of
423
:therapy and I try to talk about it on
every episode because I think we need to
424
:remove that stigma that men shouldn't or
can't or are weak for going to therapy.
425
:So I appreciate you bringing that up.
426
:One of the things.
427
:So I love, and I love those moments
in those sessions where they, like
428
:your therapist said just this one
thing and it unlocks something for
429
:Alex Egeler: Yeah.
430
:Frederick: My therapist said A
good day can include a problem.
431
:She, we were
432
:A conversation about this issue with
this problem that we had my wife and
433
:I was like, fixated on the problem.
434
:And she's I was having, like I was, and
my wife was saying, you carry it with you.
435
:It's like it ruins your whole day.
436
:And I was like, yeah, it
just feels like really heavy.
437
:And my therapist said, a good
day can include a problem.
438
:And I was like, it's so simple.
439
:Alex Egeler: Yeah.
440
:Frederick: a simple concept, but when
you're too close to the problem, it
441
:just feels like you have to solve it.
442
:It's there, it's weighing on you,
you're thinking about it and yeah,
443
:so it's like step away from that
and have someone outside of your own
444
:circle help you unlock some things.
445
:It was really amazing.
446
:So I appreciate you sharing that story.
447
:what role does empathy play
in creating a flexible career
448
:that actually fits your life?
449
:Alex Egeler: So I think.
450
:If you have empathy, you're able to spot
it in others and you're able to value it.
451
:And I just think it's such an important
piece of the workplace right now.
452
:We've learned that leaders
who have empathy and who can
453
:operationalize it for the company
in strategic ways are so valuable.
454
:And it just feels like it's the
skill that allows you to come in
455
:and join a team and be a part of
it, but not necessarily have to.
456
:Be micromanaged and not necessarily
have to, to build that trust and
457
:be your authentic self if you can.
458
:If you are in a group where empathy is
valued and it's a common trait amongst
459
:everybody the shared experiences get easy.
460
:It's not, you don't have to
have experienced it yourself
461
:to recognize the value of it.
462
:And I think that's a, that was a big one.
463
:Certainly becoming a
working dad and then seeing.
464
:All the experiences of the working
parents around me and saying, wow, I
465
:didn't understand this was happening.
466
:I always talk about.
467
:Working moms pumping is like the
biggest one like that is watching my
468
:wife go through that and she works
at a very progressive place that is
469
:trying, has policies and everything
around it, and it was still super hard
470
:for her to do and just places that
aren't even thinking about it, it's.
471
:Of course it's impossible.
472
:Of course it makes these terrible
situations for the moms who are
473
:trying to deal with this, and I
was completely oblivious, right?
474
:It is not talked about, it
is not mentioned as a single
475
:20 something year old guy.
476
:If you told me that there were five
women that I saw every single day that
477
:were doing with, I told you were crazy,
but it's definitely true and it's,
478
:those are the types of things where
empathy is oh wow, I didn't know that.
479
:And non empathy is I don't
wanna hear about that.
480
:It makes me uncomfortable.
481
:Let's shut it down.
482
:And so I think flexible places, flex,
flexible workplaces are built on empathy
483
:because it's people saying, yeah, I
don't know what your situation is, but
484
:I don't need to, I trust that you're
going to do it, and I know that it,
485
:whatever it is, if it's hard, if you have
to go leave work to deal with it, go.
486
:I, when I took over my team, I told
them, I talk about being a parent a lot.
487
:About three quarters of my team were
parents, but I was like, I, that's
488
:what I use my flexibility for.
489
:I don't care what you
use it for, I don't it.
490
:You don't have to be a parent to get it.
491
:Everybody gets it the same.
492
:You use it for what you need to, and
you don't have to tell me about it.
493
:I trust you and that's
what we're gonna do.
494
:And I think that's really,
again, that's that.
495
:The trust and empathy.
496
:I don't know what you're going through.
497
:I'm happy to hear about it if you
want to share, but I trust it's
498
:hard and you're gonna do your best.
499
:Frederick: Yeah.
500
:Yeah.
501
:And there's it's not coincidence that
companies as big as Google and Microsoft
502
:are investing billions of dollars into.
503
:These types of programs for their leaders.
504
:Let's shift gears into
the really practical side.
505
:Alex Egeler: Okay.
506
:Frederick: for the parents listening
who feel stuck in a job that doesn't
507
:give them the space that they
need, where do they even start?
508
:Alex Egeler: So I think it always the
starting point that I always recommend
509
:is think of your career highlights.
510
:And I don't mean oh, I completed this
project like as fine grain moments
511
:as you possibly can in your career.
512
:Pick three, five, whatever,
and say that moment I felt.
513
:So proud, happy, excited, whatever.
514
:Again, whatever you
value, that'll come out.
515
:Highlights is a loose
word on purpose, right?
516
:But write down what they are.
517
:And again, in as much detail, this
is what happened at this moment.
518
:This is what led up to it.
519
:This is how I felt.
520
:And if you can come up with three
of those and then look at what
521
:are the common themes, right?
522
:Was it, oh, it was, for me, like one
of them is honestly like there was an
523
:employee who was an absolute superstar.
524
:They were just very quiet.
525
:They had been raised in a culture
that didn't allow them to speak
526
:up, didn't really teach them.
527
:That was something that was valued,
but they were just so smart.
528
:And the time when I knew that my value
was getting them to learn that they
529
:had a voice and to start using it.
530
:And I just remember that, sitting there
and they spoke up in a meeting with the
531
:whole team there and their point was like.
532
:Unbelievably clear and so valuable,
exactly what we needed at that moment.
533
:I, that was one of my
proudest moments, right?
534
:As a in my career, it was just seeing
that the progression of this person from
535
:I just sit quietly and I do my job to no,
I really can be a leader, was what made me
536
:feel like, ugh, I'm doing such a good job.
537
:And that was what I wanted to feel.
538
:To, to you hear, oh, aerospace executive.
539
:But if I tell you that story and then I
tell you, yeah, now I'm a career coach,
540
:you're like, yeah, that makes sense.
541
:So sometimes those stories have a lot more
value in showing you where you need to
542
:go, because if you're doing things that
aren't going to give you those moments,
543
:then you're in the wrong place, right?
544
:Frederick: Yeah.
545
:Love that.
546
:Career highlights what's one
mindset shift working parents
547
:need if they want more freedom.
548
:Alex Egeler: I think honestly the biggest
one that I work around is just the belief
549
:that you deserve it and can find it.
550
:So many of the people start from,
there's no way I can find that.
551
:Like the idea that I could do
my job and have that is just.
552
:Impossible.
553
:And I'm not gonna say it
is possible for everybody.
554
:I, there may be situations, certainly
there are, first responders and
555
:things like that are not gonna get
flexible remote jobs in those fields.
556
:And we absolutely need those people.
557
:So I'm not out here to try
to make all work remote.
558
:That's not my job or not my goal.
559
:But I do believe that with enough
creativity around it, there
560
:are ways that most people could
find better jobs than they have.
561
:And that's really what I want to
help people explore is how can
562
:we, it usually boils down to a
mindset around, that's impossible
563
:'cause we haven't seen it as much.
564
:But the pandemic really did open up a lot.
565
:Of channels on this.
566
:Some of them are being closed back
down as we speak, but at the very least
567
:it showed us that it was possible.
568
:And then, so breaking that mindset of
it's not, there's no way that can happen.
569
:And then figuring out what are
the constraints that really
570
:exist and which are the ones
that you've put up artificially.
571
:How do we knock those down?
572
:How do we reimagine those or
move them slightly such that
573
:it becomes more feasible?
574
:Frederick: That's such
a big mindset shift.
575
:But I'm thinking too of the parent
who's listening, who right now
576
:and feel like totally stuck.
577
:Alex Egeler: Yeah,
578
:Frederick: What is like just the
tiniest of steps that person could take?
579
:Right now
580
:Alex Egeler: The easiest thing.
581
:That I have my sort of go-to technique
for if you're feeling really out of
582
:alignment but you don't feel like there's
any way you can change jobs or, anything
583
:is write down at the end of the day.
584
:And I advocate when you first
start writing down, you don't
585
:need to write it down forever.
586
:It's a real simple exercise, but I
use this still all the time when I'm
587
:feeling like, what did I do today?
588
:Why did this happen?
589
:I try to write down three things.
590
:One thing that I did that
I was proud of at work.
591
:Yeah.
592
:One thing that I did that built connection
with my family, either my wife or my
593
:kids, and one thing that I did that was
just for me that, and so on most days I
594
:take a walk, and that's the thing for me.
595
:If I don't get to do a walk, I
gotta think of something else.
596
:Did I read a book with my kids?
597
:Did I go play a game with them?
598
:Did I, go for a walk, whatever it is.
599
:And then what did I do at work that
I really felt like that was valuable?
600
:And if I can't think of each of those, if
something of one of those categories is
601
:blank, then the next day, the first thing
I do in the morning, whether it's, first
602
:thing at work or whatever is that is the
thing that I was missing the day before.
603
:So it, it allows you to make sure that all
of the different buckets are being full.
604
:And if you realize, for me.
605
:If any of the buckets are empty, it's
always the, what did I do for myself?
606
:That's the first one to go on any given
day, and so it reminds me, no, you gotta
607
:put something into that bucket too.
608
:My hope is that if you start to, if
you write them down at first, right?
609
:Then you start to see the patterns.
610
:You say, oh wow, this is the
fifth day in a row when I had
611
:to prioritize this one thing.
612
:You start to see that imbalance
and even just making sure, okay.
613
:I did do one thing with my kids day.
614
:Even if I felt like I worked so
hard, I didn't get anything done.
615
:Here's one thing that I can
be grateful I did accomplish.
616
:That's my first go-to suggestion is
617
:How do we get yourself a little bit
more back in balance, just day by day.
618
:Frederick: I love that.
619
:I love the practicality of that because
we, as we talked earlier, a lot of us
620
:are in the routine of just going to
work and performing our job and then
621
:coming home and often feeling exhausted
622
:Hopefully not performing at
home, but being yourself at home.
623
:that routine can get monotonous and
it can also get And if you're not
624
:tracking, I love the like I love
that system of just tracking it
625
:and it's real easy, like you said.
626
:So I love that.
627
:Thank you for sharing that.
628
:How do you help in your coaching?
629
:How do you help someone find
work that aligns with their
630
:strengths and their family?
631
:Alex Egeler: What's interesting about
that, there are a lot of coaches out
632
:there, career coaches who can help
you find a job, who can help you
633
:spruce up your resume, do all that.
634
:That's the part of it that I can help
with, but it's not the part that I
635
:really feel a lot of connection to
when I start working with somebody.
636
:The first thing we do is walk
through what makes you tick.
637
:What is your purpose?
638
:What do you really wish
you could be doing?
639
:That's the first step.
640
:The second step is what are the
parts of your identity that have been
641
:holding you back from doing that?
642
:And again, in, in my story, the
first part was finding my purpose in
643
:recognizing what I really loved to do
was help other people be their best.
644
:That was when I did these
exercises myself, that was what
645
:kind of, and so becoming a coach
was a kind of a no brainer.
646
:That was, I take that part of the
job and then that's all you do.
647
:The part of my identity that was
holding me back was this idea of.
648
:The stature in my company matters that
I need to be highly compensated, that I
649
:need to be, of this level at the company.
650
:That all came from my family, from my
dad and my grandfather, who are both
651
:super, super successful and never, ever
prioritized anything about the family.
652
:And then the third part is
what are you uniquely good at?
653
:What is the piece that you can
do that makes you more valuable
654
:at this job than anybody else?
655
:And once you put those
three pieces together.
656
:We just figure out what's that job,
what does it look like, and look
657
:through job postings and things
and say, oh yeah, I like this part
658
:of this, but I don't like this.
659
:Sorry.
660
:And eventually you hone in on, wow,
this is a job that, this is a, an
661
:area where I can use my skills.
662
:I feel good about doing it now.
663
:I've worked through why I was
hold, where the constraints
664
:were holding me back from it.
665
:And it will really lift me up.
666
:It'll give me that energy, it'll
make me feel purposeful, it'll
667
:make, allow me to make an impact.
668
:And then once you find those things,
then in my opinion, the rest of the
669
:stuff kind of takes care of itself.
670
:You can go through all that process,
but I, in a lot of cases, it's really
671
:getting to that point where you know
those things and you feel comfortable
672
:saying 'em out loud, and then you just
start saying them out loud to the people
673
:in your life, your existing network.
674
:And if you need to, you
can build from there.
675
:But in a lot of cases.
676
:If you just say, this is the thing that I
really wish I was working on, and I would,
677
:here's why I'd be really good at it.
678
:So many people are like,
actually I know somebody.
679
:It's one of the, there's a great
book called The Two Hour Job
680
:Search, and it highlights that the
key to finding a new job is your
681
:loose network connections, right?
682
:It's not the people you know.
683
:It's the people they know and you have,
and if you think about that sort of.
684
:Second connection.
685
:If you looked at that number on LinkedIn
or something, it's like immense.
686
:You, if you have 500 connections the
secondary circle is giant and the
687
:chances that somebody in that circle
can get you to the right person.
688
:It's, that's how it works, right?
689
:It's not about cold applying to, easy
apply online applications or anything.
690
:It's just saying out loud what you
want, and being comfortable saying, I
691
:deserve this and I'm gonna go find it.
692
:Frederick: Yeah.
693
:And that is a huge shift for
694
:The.
695
:The idea that, I deserve this.
696
:I think so many people walk around with.
697
:A negative I think we all have the
negative talk track in our heads, right?
698
:often one of the common ones is,
I'm not enough, I'm not good enough.
699
:Or it could be fear, right?
700
:Of moving from aerospace engineer
701
:Alex Egeler: Yeah.
702
:Frederick: A huge leap and that's
a scary leap to make intentionally.
703
:And so yeah, I think that
could be a roadblock for sure.
704
:What are some other
small, practical steps?
705
:I know you shared the great tip of
jotting down those three things.
706
:What other small, practical
steps can people make that,
707
:that make a big difference?
708
:I.
709
:Alex Egeler: I think the other
one that I note is that holds
710
:people back a lot is comparisons.
711
:And so I talk about the
three dangerous comparisons.
712
:There's the comparison of yourself
before you had kids, right?
713
:You think, I used to be able to do
this and now I can only do this.
714
:That's not a useful one because.
715
:The old, you couldn't, the old me
couldn't change a diaper in 10 seconds
716
:or feed a baby a bottle or rock two
babies to sleep at the same time, like
717
:the number of new skills I have way
outpaces that, but I don't think about
718
:that when I think about my work output.
719
:So that's.
720
:That's, avoid these comparisons.
721
:That's the first one.
722
:The second one is avoiding yourself with
other employees who don't have kids.
723
:Now, that's a very dangerous
one, 'cause you think, oh,
724
:they can work so much harder.
725
:They can do all this.
726
:But again, we know that becoming a parent.
727
:Increases your empathy, it increases your
ability to prioritize, it increases your
728
:ability to be in efficient, like there's
scientific studies about all of that.
729
:So that's not a useful comparison.
730
:Sure they can put in more hours, but
that still may not mean anything.
731
:And then the third one is, was surprising.
732
:One that I realized later on is comparing
yourself to other employees who do have
733
:kids, because there is so much individual
in everybody's story and you don't know
734
:their story and they don't know yours.
735
:And that was another, a very hard one was.
736
:For me when I stepped away to become
a lead stay at home dad was, how come
737
:I can't do this and other people can?
738
:And the answer to that was I have
two, 2-year-old twins in a pandemic.
739
:I have, my oldest son was going
through terrible mental health
740
:challenges and it really was the most
important thing to make sure we were
741
:getting everybody to move forward.
742
:And that took.
743
:All of one parent's time for some
number of years, and that's okay.
744
:But it was very easy for me to
look at other families and say
745
:they have kids and they both have
jobs, and how come they can do it?
746
:And the answer, what I always have to
remind myself is I don't know their story.
747
:They don't know mine.
748
:And there's, whatever I'm doing is
what I'm, is what I think is best
749
:for my family and to get us through.
750
:And I'm sure they're doing
the same, and that's okay.
751
:It doesn't have to be the same thing.
752
:Frederick: Yeah, I keep
thinking of the word connection
753
:because everything is about.
754
:Everything we're, everything
we've been talking about this
755
:Alex Egeler: Yeah.
756
:Frederick: is really about being
really connected to yourself, and
757
:then how can I get more connected
to other people, whether that's
758
:at work or with your family.
759
:It's all there.
760
:That's it.
761
:Alex Egeler: Yeah.
762
:Frederick: I think we lose sight of who.
763
:We are because we are so distracted
in this busy world that we live in.
764
:And if you're a parent,
obviously you're busy as well.
765
:I love how tactical that is.
766
:I also know that the personal side
matters just as much as the strategy.
767
:So let's bring it back to you as a
dad and a partner just for a second.
768
:is one parenting or marriage lesson
that you wish you had learned earlier?
769
:Alex Egeler: I think my number one.
770
:That I learned in parenting and have
taken everywhere else in my life
771
:is that acceptance is the key that.
772
:When you're parenting, you are
parenting another human being.
773
:And even though they might be two
years old and make the absolute
774
:worst decisions all the time, they
are still an autonomous human being.
775
:And human beings will fight
against being told what to do.
776
:It is in our nature, we don't like it.
777
:And so learning to accept.
778
:That each of my kids has their own plans
and their own ideas, and that's okay.
779
:And that we don't always
have to do my plan.
780
:Sometimes we do, right?
781
:My plan, if we're crossing
the street, we do dad's plan.
782
:No, no question.
783
:But if we're putting on shoes, man,
like if it's gonna take an extra
784
:five minutes, but they turn it into
a game and we have more fun with it.
785
:Was there anything else that was more
important than those five minutes?
786
:So getting in that mindset of true
acceptance of them, me saying, okay,
787
:it's time to put on your shoes.
788
:And them saying.
789
:No.
790
:And then instead of me taking, they're
looking to make a fight because I've
791
:opened with, I'm telling you what to do.
792
:For me to just say, okay, and just
sit, not that I'm gonna try to just
793
:be okay with the fact that they have
said, no, I don't have to change it.
794
:I don't have to punish anybody.
795
:Just no is their answer.
796
:When I had a, again, this is actually
another moment in therapy, I had
797
:an anxiety therapist who said.
798
:Have you tried?
799
:Just accepting that they
have a different opinion.
800
:And I was like, that's bananas.
801
:That won't work.
802
:And he's just try it.
803
:And he is okay.
804
:So we were actually literally
talking about putting on shoes.
805
:And so I think it was probably the
next day I was like, it's time to go.
806
:And my son said no.
807
:I said, okay.
808
:And I just sat down on the couch
and he looked at me and he just
809
:went over and put on his shoes.
810
:He was like, oh, okay.
811
:If it's okay that I don't put on
the shoes, now I'm fine with it.
812
:And I thought, what is this magic?
813
:And it's not foolproof.
814
:It's not a hundred percent.
815
:But so often the answer to any
sort of clash is just accept
816
:their opinion and then do nothing.
817
:And so often they're much more about the
fight and the battle and getting their
818
:own way that if you give it to them.
819
:They'll stop fighting and they'll just
go along with whatever you wanted.
820
:'cause again, I know
much more than they do.
821
:And they know that somewhere in
their little tiny developing brains.
822
:And so they'll eventually come around.
823
:And the penalty for that is usually
just how long it takes to do things.
824
:And again, what's more
important than this?
825
:So I think if I have one, one sort
of magic unlock thing in parenting,
826
:it's just accept that they have
their own opinion and that's okay.
827
:And you don't have to
do anything about it.
828
:Frederick: I don't have to
solve the problem right away.
829
:Alex Egeler: Say exactly same coin.
830
:Yeah.
831
:Frederick: So you asked me at the
start before we hit record, if
832
:I was gonna ask this question,
833
:Alex Egeler: Yeah.
834
:Frederick: this question.
835
:What does being an interrupted
dad mean for you personally?
836
:Alex Egeler: Yeah.
837
:So I thought about this and I came up
with the answer that I wanted to give,
838
:so I'd like to use it as a full sentence.
839
:Becoming a dad interrupted my career
in the absolute best way, and that's
840
:really, becoming a dad interrupted
the plan that I had and I am so
841
:grateful for that every single day
because the plan I had was dumb.
842
:It did not use any of
the skills that I had.
843
:It would've taken me to a very
boring and uneventful place.
844
:And when I became a dad, that all changed.
845
:I am, I could not be more grateful to my
kids for the new path that I'm on, and
846
:I never would've done it without them.
847
:Frederick: That's one of the best
answers we've gotten to that question.
848
:Now if your kids could describe you in
three words, what do you think they'd say?
849
:Alex Egeler: My wife actually
does this exercise with them on
850
:Father's Day and writes it down.
851
:So what are the words to describe?
852
:My the most common ones are kind,
853
:I'm trying to think of the poster.
854
:Empathetic is my oldest.
855
:He says that 'cause he knows that word.
856
:And just present, that's what my
younger ones, he's always here.
857
:But yeah.
858
:And then they will also say things
like, stinky, that gets thrown in there.
859
:So we can't roll that out.
860
:Frederick: there's still in that age.
861
:My, my son, my youngest is about to be 10,
and he would definitely say those things
862
:Alex Egeler: Yeah
863
:Frederick: hearing you talk
about all this, it makes me
864
:think about the bigger picture.
865
:So what would you want your kids to take
away from watching you and how you live?
866
:What?
867
:What do you want to model for them?
868
:I know you've said a few things
already, but I guess sum it up.
869
:Alex Egeler: I think what my wife
and I have really settled on is.
870
:The most important thing we want
for our kids is to find things in
871
:this world that they are passionate
about and that help others.
872
:That's what it boils down to.
873
:We want them to be the type of person who
doesn't hesitate to reach out and help
874
:other people and make sure that they're
thoughtful of the what they're doing.
875
:How it affects the world.
876
:And after that, we just want them to
find something that makes them excited,
877
:that makes them happy, that makes
them care about what they're doing.
878
:My wife loves her job
and she's so good at it.
879
:And this switch into being
a coach has showed them.
880
:There's lots of different career
paths out there, and I think that's
881
:gonna be a message that gets more
and more important, especially as AI
882
:and all of the future of work comes.
883
:It's gonna look different for
them than it looked for us.
884
:And I think that's, they just
need to be ready for that and
885
:understand that it's okay.
886
:And again, I'd say it's
okay if it doesn't work out.
887
:I talk about when my business doesn't go
well or when frustrating things happen,
888
:or they certainly saw what it looked like
when the whole business went, the whole
889
:company collapsed and what that, what my
reaction to it was and how I handled that.
890
:And I was sad and I was.
891
:Concerned about what I was going to do and
I was unsure about what the next step was.
892
:And we shared that with them, even
though, the two year olds probably
893
:didn't really get it, but the other
ones were like five and seven or five
894
:and eight, and that was okay, that
they would see dad not know the answer.
895
:And sit with the uncertainty and at the
same time, trust, we'll figure it out.
896
:We'll get through this.
897
:Frederick: Love that.
898
:So let's end on this.
899
:If you could leave parents with
just one piece of advice about
900
:building a meaningful life
home and at work, would it be?
901
:Alex Egeler: Ooh.
902
:I think what being a parent showed me
was that I was doing a lot of my choices
903
:were based out of fear of negative.
904
:Repercussions.
905
:I had a stable career that was
prioritizing something that
906
:I wouldn't get fired from.
907
:Something that I wouldn't, that
would be there and I'd get to choose
908
:that wouldn't go outta business.
909
:And I think what having kids did for me
was it taught me to be less defensive.
910
:Let's play less defense in my life
and play more offense, do more things
911
:that have high upsides and maybe fail.
912
:So I think.
913
:That would be the one thing I would say
is don't be afraid to try for things that
914
:you might fail at, because that's just
as imp, that's such an important thing
915
:for your kids to understand, the growth
mindset, the idea that the, Michael
916
:Jordan didn't get where he was because
he was a natural, a, talented athlete.
917
:He was, but it was all the
hard work from there, right?
918
:And so show your kids the failure.
919
:Show your kids the hard work.
920
:Show them the blood and sweat and
tears, but don't be afraid to shoot
921
:for things that seem hard or scary.
922
:Because they need to see that's the
thing that will enable it in them.
923
:Frederick: So good.
924
:Alex, where can people connect with you
and learn more about the work that you do?
925
:Alex Egeler: Yeah.
926
:I, the easiest place
is usually on LinkedIn.
927
:Empathic egg.com
928
:is my website.
929
:You can go there too.
930
:Those are the two places I post about
being a parent and the silly things
931
:that happen in my life and finding a
career that matters and all of that.
932
:Frederick: Awesome.
933
:Thanks for coming on.
934
:Thanks for sharing your story and
your wisdom with our listeners.
935
:Really appreciate you
taking the time to do this.
936
:Alex Egeler: Yeah.
937
:Thank you so much.
938
:It was fun.
